Sitting at home tonight. "Friend" has texted mentioning to come over to theirs, in the past I would have gone. But this year even though I feel lonely as hell and completely inferior for having no friends - I'm not going because I know it will be bad for me. To go and see them smirking at me when they think I've said something stupid, hear them constantly try to out-do anything I say and put me in my place, drone on about how well they are doing financially when I lead a more frugal lifestyle.
They treat me like the punchline of every joke, just in a subtle way, and use me as ego massage. I don't want to go and sit there and hear all about how perfect their lives are and how much fun they have with their close friends.
It's scary to opt for no friends at all and be alone, rather than having shitty friendships. But at least I claim back a bit of self respect. I'd like to meet some kinder people to try to be friends with next year.
It seems like everyone but me has friends, I don't get it. Even people I can think of with very complex mental health difficulties which means they can find relationships hard work - they all have close good friends. This makes me feel like I must be a really worthless person 