I've got nothing left

[Iamthecatsmother]

Not trying to feel sorry for myself, I'm at the end of my tether with DS. He has HFA. He's 12, well into puberty, voice breaking etc. He's taller than me now. We've not had the easiest year, DH was very ill an nearly died in the summer. Thankfully he's well now, DS has started secondary school which was always going to be very difficult and it has been. Up until recently, DS and I usually got on well, I felt I was on the same page as him but over the last few months, he's so rude to me. Serious attitude and really nasty. He called dd a fucker the other day, whereas a couple of months ago he really hated swearing. Obviously I had words with him, I usually confiscate he tablet but even that doesn't touch him anymore. He's self harmed - split his own lip, keeps reopening the wound and he's bitten his arms. I've reported this to the SENCO and taken him to our GP. CAHMS won't see him as they're overloaded!! Obviously, I realise he's had a lot to deal with and that his hormones are raging (which he hates) but I just don't know what to do now, I feel weary of it all. He doesn't listen to anything I say anymore, so I can't get through to him. And it's so overwhelming sometimes dd seems to get forgotten when she puts up with so much from ds. How do I start to get through this? I feel like I've failed him.

The school are outrageous saying that, even if they think it. I've had kids who cry as soon as I look at them sternly, who display the most SHOCKING, violent, filthy behaviour at home. It's really not that unusual. I only know about it because the parents come and tell me so I can work with them at school to improve their behaviour at home (or equally they can use me as a threat). It sounds like you are doing an excellent job and going to the right people.

I wish schools would learn that it's an incredibly well-known phenomenon for children with ASD to manage to hold things together in school only for it all to explode out when they get home. Indeed, it is the stress and frustrations of dealing with school that causes it to happen. I think there are some articles about it on the NAS website - I would suggest you print them off and send them to the SENCo and other relevant teachers, and ask them to think about what they can do to reduce stress in school.

Also, has he had an occupational therapy assessment by someone with expertise in sensory problems? Often it is the strain of coping with noise and crowds which causes the greatest stress, and it that is contributing to the problems for your son it would be helpful both for the school to have to recognise that and for him to get some help in dealing with it.

The school is wrong. Normally, when they are coming out with this sort of rubbish it is when they are hopelessly untrained, in denial of that, and yet, faced with a parent who actually gets it and is trying to be supportive. I would try reframing it all: thank them for their support, whilst asking them are they following something like:
www.autismwestmidlands.org.uk/upload/pdf_files/1423836671_Managing%20Anxiety_Autism.pdf
It is a co-opting technique the most amazing Mum I have ever known used on a regular basis - even when faced with some right idiots.

I'll try to put this delicately Iam but is this affecting your health too?You can tell me to bugger off mind my own business

It's definitely affected me, l had a breakdown four years ago and I'm on antidepressants now. I don't have a support network, my mum died years ago. DH and s usually a tower of strength but he's finding this more challenging than me

Suspected as much so sorry to hear that.As parents you're trying to hold everything together & do the right thing for your ds as any loving parents do.It's frustrating and hurtful when you reach out for that so called specialist help & it's not forthcoming or they let you down.No wonder your health has suffered.