Judging My MIL

[Laserbird16]

My DH recently told me his step dad used to beat him with a strap. My husband is very forgiving and is a very calm and lovely person. I can kind of forgive his step dad as I believe he has undiagnosed Asperger's plus was raised in care so posssibly had very little positive parenting to model. However, I can't stop thinking why my MIl didn't stop this abuse. I like her though I find her very negative about life. I would leave my DH in a heartbeat if he hurt our baby. I can't really understand why she didn't protect DH and his brother. i used to quite like her but I'm very disturbed by this, she visits every week to see our dd who is 5 months which was lovely as My grandparents died when I was very young but I can't stop thinking about her failure to protect my DH. My whole DH 's family are a bit odd to be honest and I'm not sure I want them involved in my Dd's life too much - is that unreasonable?

Aspergers has nothing to do with his behaviour.
Growing up in care has nothing to do with his behaviour. But you aren't alone in thinking this. People have this misconception that all people in care are violent, drug using criminals or any single one of those.

As for what went in the house, you know nothing. You don't understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship. Even today with all the help and support that's available, many victims stay because they are so beaten into submission that they actually believe there is noone out there for them. That they are better staying.
You also have to realise, as hard as it is, the help wasn't there. Being a single parent was often frowned upon. Women were excluded from communities and families for bringing shame. How do you move on from that knowing you have nothing and no-one?
There was no joint accounts and having access to family money. The Man controlled everything, and some would want every single penny accounted for. Although sad fact, some are still like this. So how you supposed to save enough money to be able to flee?
I suggest before you start victim blaming, you actually start to look at some of the difficulties faced and have some compassion instead.

Ah so it's all poor old MILs fault for not stopping it - and making excuses for the actual abuser. Nice. hmm

Strange - but if your can forgive step dad - then we can also assume MIL forgave him as well?

So technically you both have forgiven him because he has aspergers???

Really?? You can forgive but she can't? Double standards

Not excusing it in any way - but wasn't there a thread recently where a surprising number of MNetters were hit with straps, belts etc? It was much more common in the 70's/80's.

But yeah - what Astro55 said.

TheWoodLander
Yes there was such a thread.

there was still corporal punishment in my senior school in the 80's, so I don't think that you can judge such acts, by today's standards.

What year(s) was this OP?

I would say that your MIL was also a victim of the times and her abusive background.

Today, I'd judge a Mother for keeping the child in that household, but a LP would find themselves in real poverty, pre child tax credits and other LP/Family related benefits.

LL and some Councils wouldn't have a LP, unless Widowed, as a tenant.

Boys still had the belt used on them at my school in the early eighties (Scotland). I presume, only a few years earlier, it must have been more or less normal for parents to use it as well. Times have changed so much that it's hard to remember how different it was. I don't think it's fair to look at that single fact and see a family where 'abuse' occurred, as corporal punishment was the norm. What does your DH think about it? Was his childhood otherwise okay?

You provide all sorts of excuses for FIL but none for MIL