Aibu to be too ashamed to admit that my "PND" had nothing to do with my baby.

[inthisway]

I have been on flouxitene since my youngest was born 14 months ago.

I have older children one of them has had a serious decline in her behaviour over the last 2 or 3 years. By the time younger dd was born it was really taking its toll.

She is in year 2 now and the school have asked refer her for assesment for things like autism and ADHD.

I am still convinced that part of the problem has been my inability to bond with her, it's hard to connect with her on any level. She's very clever but she just seems to be elsewhere when you talk to her. She tries to hug but puts her arms round your neck and squeezes so hard it hurts. I have bruises from her hugging. I actually have to stop myself flinching away automatically. She does things like jump from furniture in too of me which actually hurts - we just can't seem to get her to understand that these things hurt.

She has no friends, she wees herself , she bites her own arms.

I just feel like if I could get through to and just explain it would be ok but I just can't and actually I don't feel I want to try now. I'm sick of being hurt and even things like the way she keeps coming up really close and whispering in my ear then shouting just upset me .

I know that the pnd I had had nothing to do with my baby and everything to do with dd - I just feel awful admitting that. But now my gp wants to stop treatment for pnd because my baby is older but dd is just getting worse . I can't cope.

I know I have to just wait for the assessments but I'm too ashamed to admit that I just don't like looking after dd rather than having proper pnd.

Aibu to want to just try and carry on telling people I have pnd since the alternative is telling them I just can't look after a 6 year old.

She sounds very sensory seeking. She may love massage (shoulders, arms, feet). Just standing behind her & massaging her shoulders when you're talking may help you with connecting with her (& help her).

Also there are cheap vibrating cushions on amazon - she may love those.

I agree with so much of the stuff said in the previous posts but also wanted to say please be honest with your gp. It's very common to suffer depression when you are a parent for a child with special needs. It's demanding, difficult, emotionally exhausting and upsetting all at the same time - especially when they are very little and going through the whole diagnosis process. Your GP can offer advice if you let them in to why you're feeling the way you do.

Also seek out others with children with special needs. My son is nearly 5 and was autism and fairly severe learning difficulties and going along to local groups to meet other parents in a similar situation really helped me. If you contact your health visitor and also "contact a family" charity they may know of some groups in your area.

*has autism, not was autism!

I think the best place to start is explaining this to your GP. If you need to continue the medication then be honest why. It will also open the door for the GP to see what behaviours are present with DD and then they can help by referring her to the relevant people.

My Ds has asd. I've also had moments when I've felt extremely overwhelmed, there is no shame in it - it's difficult.

Your GP will know that mental health problems are very common amongst parents of children with an ASC or ADHD because of the stress of bringing up a child with behavioural difficulties and worries about their future. He will also know how important it is to support you so that you can carry on supporting your dd.

Finding a network of parents with children with similar difficulties has been a lifesaver for us - please post on SN children or better still find a local support group. They might not have a magic solution (although we have picked up lots of useful tips) but it is great just to talk to people who understand the difficulties and do not condemn either your child or your parenting skills.

As others have said your dd is probably sensory seeking and there are lots of toys and other aids you can get to satisfy this urge without her hurting anyone.

Arm yourself with knowledge. I found once I understood where my DD was coming from I stopped feeling as angry with her about the things she did. My DD has some sensory and ADD type issues as well as dyslexia and dyspraxia.

The weeing thing is likely to be part of her sensory issues and is not her fault. She may be seeking the sensory input of a full bladder or she may have very limited awareness of when she needs to go. Mix that in with being too hyper focused on a task (I bet it's TV) and having poor risk assessment, its a recipe for disaster. The sensory strategies and 'sensory diet' we do for our DD now has made such a huge positive impact.
You ask 'is there anything I can be doing now?' Yes a million things! Unless you strike lucky with an amazing OT you'll probably have to become your DDs expert but that can help you bond. Instead of cuddles you can have deep pressure sessions. Instead of playing dolls you can get involved in the sand/gloop/water etc with her.
Sensory children are just as loveable as NT kids but they sometimes need to be loved in a different way.
Get on Facebook, look up info online and start getting appointments booked. Good luck OP. It's hard but it can get so much better.

Also, as a parent of an ASD child I make me much more of a priority. If I didn't my MH would suffer. I take breaks and just go for a walk. I have a babyjogger elite double stroller (accommodates kids up to 65lbs and is super easy to push) that I can put the two elder ones in and the baby goes in the pouch. I sometimes walk 5 miles before my head clears. I also work in a job that I enjoy. Getting out of the house and going to work has helped me a lot too.

i felt this way at times. My 3 children are all diagnosed with ASD, and especially when they were really little, i felt like sometimes it was totally unreciprocal. I was just there to help them live and noone gave a fuck about me. It is really hard to not be depressed when youre living it. I dont know how people manage, including me.

Just it sounds utterly draining and joyless for you at the moment. I really hope a diagnosis is given quickly and you both get the help you need.

I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling. It must be very tough. Please don't worry about the label - it doesn't matter. What does matter is how you're feeling and that you get the support you need. I was also diagnosed with pnd this year and often think is that really what it is? Labels are sometimes useful, sometimes not, mental health is complex. But no one is going to judge you - there is zero for you to feel embarrassed about. Hopefully you know that deep down. Wishing you support and strength going forward.

I have no experience of dealing with the kinds of issues your daughter has but I've got plenty of experience with depression - you don't need a reason to have depression. It's not "ok" to have pnd but "not ok" to suffer from depression due to a challenging 6 year - if you suffer from depression then you just do and need help and support to enable you to manage your condition. Please be honest with GP, it's easier for them to help if they know what they're dealing with. So sorry your suffering, be kind to yourself.