To feel ambivalent about this "invisible" tattoo?

[TheOtherGalen]

I recently (last month) discovered that a small scar on the back of my neck is actually a very old, degraded UV tattoo. It's only visible under a black-light. In normal light, it's a barely-perceptible scar that you have to really work to see. Under UV light, however, it fluoresces a faint bluish-white and clearly spells out the word "mine" in letters that are about three-quarters of an inch tall.

It was put there when I was eleven (over 30 years ago) by a very disturbed (and possessive!) relative by what I think is called a "poke and stick" method. At the time, I didn't really understand what was happening, and it was only last month, after a routine visit to a dermatologist, that I finally put together that it was a UV tattoo.

On the one hand, I feel fucked up about having been so blatantly marked as a possession, without my knowledge or consent, and in such a permanent way. I feel creeped out, violated, embarrassed -- and like somehow something important was stolen from me and I've only just now figured it out. It also gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies in a more general sense to think of a grown man doing that to a little girl.

On the other hand, I keep thinking it shouldn't matter: It's basically invisible; I've gone this long without even knowing about it; and unless I make a point of dragging people off into dark corners and whipping out a black-light, no one else ever even needs to know it's there. My childhood was a bit of a hot mess, but things evened out and for many years now I've had a happy life, full of love and laughter and contentment. Nothing I do now is going to change what happened back then, so what's the point of even fussing over it?

I go back and forth between "So what?" and "OMG this is horrible!" Sometimes it seems like in comparison to other stuff in my early years, this is just a stupid tame thing, and other times it feels more awful than the other, more dramatic (or more obviously abusive), stuff. I'm not in a giant emotional crisis over it or anything, but I am struggling with finding a way to frame it.

I'm also trying to figure out what, if anything, I should do. I mean, I'm not going to do anything right away. I think I need to let my feelings sort themselves out before I stampede off into some solution or reaction that I might regret later on, ha. But it's been six weeks and my feelings are still all over the place.

Any advice, insights, words of wisdom? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here? How would you feel?

What a bizarre thing for an adult to do to a child and in strange circumstances. I hope you come to a decision that gives you some peace, you have the control to deal with this how you want to now, even if you choose not to have anything done right now, you COULD walk into a tattoo studio tomorrow and have it covered or you can leave it be. It is up to you now, he's got no say over you any more and you are definitely not his to write "mine" on, you never, ever were his.

I think it horrific and I'm glad the bastard who did it to you is dead.

If I had to make the choice, I'd get it removed. You could think of the scar as cutting him out of your life.

That is creepsville

I'd consult on the safety of it long term first off.

What about 'I am MINE'?

Apologies in advance I have no helpful suggestion other than taking to a counsellor or even to your GP (to refer for help if you want it). Just another person horrified by this and so pleased and relieved that you are otherwise happy and have love. I can not imagine what I would do or how I'd react if I was on your shoes, anger is a reaction and I think that you are being incredibly logical and rational.

What about 'I am MINE'?
That's what I was going to suggest as well. Reclaim it.

But I would first check what kind of ink was used, if that's possible. I don't know if there's any kind of skin/prick test they could do to check, but the health implications would definitely worry me.

To answer your question, YANBU to feel ambivalent but also ywnbu to feel outraged. Could you talkabout it with a trained counsellor to try and work out your own thoughts.

Op I really feel for you sounds like you are working through some huge stuff :(
I agree that speaking to a counsellor would really help don't go through this alone.
I think another tattoo and agree something around the wording 'free' or 'freedom' feels right.
All the best OP

Scrabble word-finder sites! SHOULD BE AGAINST THE LAW! This explains some of those online games I used to play, back before I decided Facebook wanted to infiltrate every aspect of my life and I had to get out fast. Harrumph. I do like "determined," though, too, and the cheatypants Scrabble site I found offered up a few interesting options, as well.

Re counseling: Over the years I've thought about talking with a therapist about various things here and there. It always seemed like shooting a fly with a bazooka, though, if that makes sense. My day-to-day life is really so stress-free that it seems like overkill. Seriously -- my only other big issue in life these days is how my unofficial adopted mom-type and I have such different views on how she should be training her new lab puppy!

Speaking of which, mom-type is herself a therapist, and in fact I have quite a few therapists in my life. They were a critical part of helping me heal from all the crap from childhood, although it was never in an official therapist/client capacity. Just a bunch of amazing women coming together to take turns with an extremely needy and floundering 20-something for a few years. Okay, maybe like almost ten years. Did I mention they were/are amazing?

I'm ambivalent about going to a "real" therapist. Partly because I'm not sure I feel in enough distress over this to warrant seeking professional help. And partly because I had a terrible experience the one time I was officially in therapy in high school. (Nothing abusive, just a young therapist with unclear boundaries who got way over-involved and then suddenly extracted herself most ungracefully.) And partly because having a therapist for a mom-type means I'm painfully aware of just how small-town the area I live in is. She herself was in a quandary when she wanted to start seeing someone, because around here everyone knows everyone. However! I did just get my driver's license in October (42 years old, finally learned how to drive!), so that widens my horizons a bit.

But I'm not completely closed to the idea, either. I guess if it starts feeling bothersome enough, and all I'm doing is going in circles with it, then it'll be time to seriously consider it.

Christ, why do I write a book every time.

Or might you feel that by tattooing you first he forced you to have a tattoo later in life that you did not really want?
Just want to add that this really resonates for me, too. I have like seventeen different totally conflicting feelings, lol.

I also want to say I appreciate you all taking the time to read and respond with such sensitivity and thoughtfulness. I was a little nervous (re)posting this and I'm glad my fears were groundless. It's being helpful to get viewpoints from people who aren't invested in any way.

Also Ellisandra your comment made me laugh and perhaps even fall a little bit in love with you. Maybe I can just dispense with the formalities and have a nice desecrating pee on his grave instead.

1. I would get it cut out of my skin - not transform it into another tattoo or tattoo over it. Cut it out and accept the scar as one of the scars of your childhood. I think the NHS should pay for this considering the circumstances.

1. You need someplace to rage and rage about what happened you as a child. Who the fuck was minding you that this happened?? Who loved you and cared for you and knew where you were at age 11???

No one is probably the answer. I wish you had been my child. I'd have minded you as best I could. You should be angry and you need to express it.

1. He was a complete perverted, horrible, evil fucker to do this - (permanently branding without consent - what an absolute fucker he was!) to an 11 year old child and he deserves to burn in hell.

OP I think one concern I would have is hat you rush out and have a tattoo and feel that that will fix it, and it just buries the offending word under something else. Therapy is about bringing things out into the light, to some extent and also about great advice. I have had a lot of therapy for different stuff, and nothing like your situations.

You use the word ambivalent again, as in your OP, I am wondering why that word? It seems clear from your initial posts you do not feel ambivalent but rather conflicted about your 'tattoo'.

Just to clarify (not sure it matters), I'm in the U.S. However I think the idea of my healthcare plan covering the costs of removal would still apply.

Pallisers I'm strangely moved and touched by your response. I think because the anger you express isn't something I'm very good at actually feeling/expressing myself. I agree unreservedly with your points 2 & 3. At the same time, I also feel strongly that although I wouldn't ever want to go back and re-experience my life, I also wouldn't want to go back and change any of it, either. I love how my life turned out and who I turned out to be. The butterfly effect, right? But still. Thank you for your rage; it's a beautiful thing.

Italiangreyhound I think I'm using the word "ambivalent" to mean "feeling two things at the same time." (Or, more like: "feeling multiple ways at the same time.") Like ... going back and forth between, or among, emotions. Is that ... wait, does "ambivalent" suggest something else? I'd be comfortable with the word "conflicted" in place of each instance of "ambivalent." So I guess I'm using them as though they mean the same thing. But you're right -- "conflicted" is probably better, because it's not just that I'm feeling multiple ways, it's that I'm feeling in ways that seem to directly contradict one another.

Well now I have to go google "ambivalent" to find out if I've been misusing it all these years! How embarrassing!

Galen I guessed that! Something you said made me think USA!

"ambivalent
adjective UK /æmˈbɪv.ə.lənt/ US /æmˈbɪv.ə.lənt/

"having two opposing feelings at the same time, or being uncertain about how you feel:
I felt very ambivalent about leaving home.
He has fairly ambivalent feelings towards his father.
an ambivalent attitude to exercise"

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/ambivalent

I guess I picked up that you actually feel more negative about the tattoo then you were 'letting on initially', maybe.

To me ambivalence suggests some fairly mild neutral, 'don't mind if I do, don't mind if I don't', sort of thing. I guess what you describe sounds more to me like conflicted.

"conflicted
adjective [ after verb ] UK /kənˈflɪk.tɪd/ US /kənˈflɪk.tɪd/

confused or worried because you cannot choose between very different ideas, feelings, or beliefs, and do not know what to do or believe:
It seems that politicians, like ordinary citizens, are conflicted about gambling."

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/conflicted

Sorry, I was once an English language teacher so I like to understand words! But as you are in the USA the meanings may alter slightly.

"What is the difference between conflicted and ambivalent?
ambivalent conflicted Synonyms

Conflicted is a synonym of ambivalent.
As a verb conflicted is (conflict).

As a adjective ambivalent is simultaneously experiencing or expressing oppose|opposing or contradictory feelings, beliefs, or motivations."

wikidiff.com/ambivalent/conflicted

I think the difference is that one who is ambivalent feels both these feelings at the same time, but one who is conflicted switches from one feeling to another. I sense from your comments you feel as if this should not bother you, and sometimes it does not, but at other times it does.

You are reading this (from inside) as a general feeling of ambivalence, which is fine, but I am reading this (from outside) as conflicted/conflict.

Clearly if you are conflicted you will need to address these two feelings as they may not be able to 'live' side by side. But if you are genuinely ambivalent, don't care either way, these feelings may be able to live side by side.

It is 4.00 a.m. here so off to bed. Bless you.

For starters I congratulate you on your survival and I'm glad you have good people around you now.

Regarding the tattoo I think primarily you need to check on physical health issues, is it dangerous/unhealthy to leave it in place?

Then access some counselling, that doesn't have to be formal, could just be talking it over with your therapist allies. From what you've said about the abuse that you're not sure was clear abuse (a well loved tactic of abusers by the way - make you think it's not abuse it's love) you may find looking at enmeshment and covert incest useful, even just a glance.

Depending on the medical implications will influence what CAN be done with it in terms of removal or coverage. Ultimately you will decide but there are many ideas for covering/changing a tattoo into something you're happier with.

We have a tv show here called 'tattoo fixers' they are very good professional artists who transform bad/embarrassing tattoos into something the wearer is much happier with. It's kind of a light hearted show mostly - covering up stupid tattoos people got when drunk and their partner hates BUT occasionally they will deal with more meaningful things like memorial tattoos, covering or even decorating of scars. There was a quite elderly lady who'd had breast cancer and had a massive tattoo where her breast used to be, she was reclaiming that part of her body. It can be quite moving. My point (that I'm taking far too long to get to) is that you can reclaim your skin, your body. The power lies with you (and a good artist - if you go this route get recommendations from people with tattoos you like).

I think you're amazing coping with this. I've been through what you might call 'real' abuse and this would still freak me out! You're clearly a very strong person.

On a practical note I don't think a conventional cover up would work as it would still glow in black light.

Removal would leave a large visible scar which I for one would find worse than the original.

I can't express how angry I feel on your behalf x

Re ambivalent vs conflicted: I'm beginning to wonder if I might have to learn to live with conflicting feelings about it all. There are a couple other things in my life that I have very strong, but diametrically opposed, views on, and no matter how I look at them, I end up feeling both things at the same time. It's uncomfortable, because I'd rather just have a way to settle on it, but whatcha gonna do, right? Some things don't have clear answers. Maybe this tattoo business is one of those things.

Graphista I'm not sure if it's dangerous or unhealthy to leave it in place. I think my next step is to try to figure out how to determine that. As for defining the abuse, the problem isn't confusion over whether it was abuse vs. love. It's that most of it was just so bizarre. Example: one time when I was "acting too high and mighty," the punishment was I had to put a horizontal line of masking tape along the wall about three feet up, and for the rest of the day was not allowed to let any part of my body go above that line. There's something profoundly wrong about it, but it's hard for me to name exactly what made it abusive. I'm thankful he never tried to convince me he was acting out of love. That would have made everything a hundred times more confusing!

You're right about the reclaiming my skin thing. Feeling disconnected from my own skin has been a longstanding issue for me, and over the past year or so I've been taking small steps to re-establish a sense of ownership. It's been working, so I know it's possible. This UV tattoo crap is just a temporary blip. There's no way I'm going to let some pervy freak have the last word, metaphorically or otherwise!

iminshock That's an excellent point. Any cover-up would have to be done (at least partly) in UV ink ... which might be a road to nowhere because from what I understand, reputable tattoo artists don't tend to be willing to work in UV ink. Gah!

I would rework it... loving the "determined" suggestion.
And perhaps have a beautiful design underneath such as a flower, butterfly or pheonix.

Even if it can't be removed by way of laser treatment, it can almost certainly be removed by way of a son graft. It's well worth speaking to a plastic surgeon, and it probably won't cost as much as you'd think as it'd be a fairly minor procedure.

A skin graft.

I am mine alone?
Your earlier suggestion of having further tattoos of "mine" all over your body sounds like a self harm response to me. Will your medical insurance cover some sort of counseling as I think you really need to get things a bit more ordered in your mind before you make a decision. I would say you need to do something to mark the demise of this tattoo, physically or mentally, but I'm not a health care expert and I think you should seek the advice of someone that is.
You seem very together though and not letting the weirdness that happened to you as a child rule your life.

Happy new year to you OP.
I've been thinking about you a lot. It's hard to put myself in your shoes .

But I don't see any further skin alteration ( whether removal or a new tattoo) as being helpful. It like you are responding to the abuser by abusing yourself , and by his chosen
method.

It seems you have already drawn some personal assertive self reflection from this. That in itself is a triumph.
You win.

YOU WIN.

Go out there and live a strong life.
I know you will.
I wish you every blessing x

The horizontal line thing... For me, what makes that abusive is that it's demeaning and humiliating. It takes away bodily autonomy. It's like forcing a person to bow down or kneel when they don't want to.

To me, that punishment is clearly abusive, even horrifically so. That you have a hard time putting your finger on what makes it abusive just shows how it was normalised in your childhood.

I'm glad that all those wonderful strong women came and brought you into the light and that you are now living the happy life you deserve.

Weedsneeds1 I hadn't thought of the "mine" tattoo-fest as a form of self-harm. It just seemed like an overkill reaction or something. Though of course, thinking about it now, it certainly would hurt! I hear the ribs are the worst.

MoggieMaeEverso I don't recall feeling demeaned/humiliated at the time, but that's probably the normalization thing. I agree with the underlying principle of how it was taking away bodily autonomy, which indeed was a constant theme when I was there. What I do remember feeling was a sense of personal outrage at how the punishment was based on taking the metaphor of "high and mighty" too literally. Not in those terms, of course. But my clearest recollection of that particular incident was being mad because I felt it wasn't fair to cheat around with words like that.

iminshock You're lovely. Thank you for your thoughts and New Year wishes. In my mind I'm raising a glass to you, to me, and to all the other winners and winners-to-be out there.

I'm not surprised you feel conflicted - it's a bit like shaking a snowglobe & setting everything swirling about: you're still you, your clearly quite awesome self there in the centre, but this is, even against the backdrop of other childhood traumas & abuse, A Thing, even if it doesn't immediately seem-feel it because your early life was so saturated with it all, so it sends thoughts & feelings flying. (And now I'm panicking that sounds horribly patronising &/or that I'm trying to tell you how to think &/or feel & So. Very. Not. but I don't want to delete it because I can't work out how to phrase it better so I shall have to cross my fingers & hold my thumbs & hope you get what I'm meaning...)

Am wondering if tattoo removal cream would work for UV tattoos: www.e-raze.com/index.shtml It's designed to bind to the ink itself not the pigmentation - not sure if dodgy 1980s phosphorescent ink would be chemically the same but if you wanted to try it you could always contact the company to see if they do UV tattoos?

It's your body, so what you do must of course be your choice - but I think it might be difficult to go on effectively being branded now you're conscious of it. The tattoo doesn't make you - never made you - his, but it was an assault & a removal of your bodily autonomy. You could argue that leaving it is allowing the assault to continue OR that you are making a conscious decision to laugh at how ridiculous the idea of his attempt to claim ownership of you was - all depends on how you frame it & how you feel about it personally. It does worry me a little you might be inclined to leave it on the grounds it was "just one of those things" though - if that's how you're feeling I think you maybe need to try to process it a bit further? (Again, not wanting to be all "let me tell you how to human"... sorry...)

Congratulations on learning to drive by the way. Means you don't need to worry about the fact people who'd otherwise be willing volunteers to act as getaway drivers for your trip to a certain cemetery are too far away...

Op you are a kick ass wordsmith by the way.