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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really uncomfortable about DP having private message conversations with Terry Pratchett fans?

38 replies

shiredweller76 · 30/12/2016 08:42

He goes on all the Facebook forums and is currently really into this online 'who knows the most about Terry Pratchett timed quiz thing. I lolled at one of the members names and then he started saying 'she' this and 'she' that and it transpires that they have been private messaging. He showed me the thread and it was innocent enough with, talking about putting her baby to bed before she plays against him again. He got massively defensive and even raised his voice at me which he never does. He said I've ruined it for him - he didn't like me pointing out that private messaging some women is different to being in an open forum.

Bottom line is it makes me uncomfortable and so did his reaction. We almost split up last year as he had a very inappropriate, sexual messenger conversation with an Ex - I was 5 months preg which didn't help.

He's away allot and I live in fear of online infidelity.

AIBU to be pissued off with him chatting in this way to another woman?

OP posts:

LadyOfTheCanyon · 30/12/2016 09:49

Thanks OP. He was a twat and I'm well rid. Currently with a lovely man whose worst vice seems to be collecting records. But I'm ever vigilant!
Hope you work something out.

BraveDancing · 30/12/2016 10:06

I guess all relationships are different and yours are your own, but I’d be pretty upset if my partner said I couldn’t PM anyone on FB in case we had an affair.

elvis86 · 30/12/2016 10:09

its a tough one he ha form but this time hes actually showing you the messages

if he caries on showing you it cant really be anything-maybe see what he says to that

With the obvious caveat that in a relationship its not right for one person to dictate what the other does, the OP's OH was sexting an ex whilst she was pregnant as recently as last year- his main concern at present should be her feelings, not making bargains to allow him to continue chatting to a stranger about fantasy novels..

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/12/2016 10:15

Sadly because you don't trust him you risk being controlling. Private messages should be just that - private. He has lost your trust to the extent that you are in constant fear of him cheating on the internet - this isn't good for either of you.

elvis86 · 30/12/2016 10:16

I guess all relationships are different and yours are your own, but I’d be pretty upset if my partner said I couldn’t PM anyone on FB in case we had an affair.

Context is key though surely? If you'd done nothing to warrant that then you'd be right to be upset. However if, a year previous, you'd shat all over the trust in your relationship by sexting an ex whilst your partner was pregnant, surely that would change things?

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 10:22

I think with previous form you are right to be concerned. The only thing you have ruined for him is the excitement of the secrecy of his chats.
You need to talk to him.
MN is open chat but we don't go off PM each other do we?
You need to find out why he needs to take his 'fun' a bit further.
Have things got a bit boring at home? Not saying it's anything to do with you, just sometimes everyone needs to put in a bit more effort.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 30/12/2016 10:22

I play a game and there's no chat function, it's ridiculous because you need to talk to advance, so we all chat on kik. With some people it's very basic, exchange done & move on. I wouldn't accept anyone telling me that I 'wasn't allowed' to do that.

With others (male & female) you 'click' & chat, about life & the universe - I've met some (now) good friends through it.

However, it is very easy for that to get extremely personal, extremely quickly and become what one would consider inappropriate if in a relationship. 'A harmless bit of fun' can be relationship ending.

Last time it was with his ex, but I'm not really sure that makes much difference. It's very easy to do the same with someone you've only just met.

Maybe he showed you to prove he can can 'just chat' to a woman, or maybe he was trying to see what your reaction would be and start laying down the foundation for you not suspecting him.

His reaction could be that you've not allowed him to start with the smoke and mirror routine or it could be that he was genuinely trying to show you that he'd learnt from his mistake last year.

In your situation I wouldn't be happy with him doing this because I know where it can lead all too easily & all too quickly. One row with you and he's off messaging with LittleMissGamer who is all fun & no nagging.

RedNoseRumble · 30/12/2016 11:10

It isn't about being controlling, it's about respect and with the OP's dh having previous form you would have thought he'd back well away from private messaging anyone, let alone a stranger on an internet game.

It can lead to a slippery slope as it did before.

BraveDancing · 30/12/2016 11:41

elvis86 - I think if the previous infidelity has poisoned the relationship to the extent that one partner isn’t meant to have friendships or any privacy whatsoever, then I think probably it’s dead in the water. We’re not talking the partner doing anything major – he’s making small talk about fantasy novels.

Original poster

shiredweller76 · 30/12/2016 19:08

Thanks so much for your opinions. It's really helped me straighten my head out. I l've decided I need to trust DP or it just won't work. I spoke to him the afternoon about it and he's told me repeatedly that he'll keep it above board but he's not happy being restricted because I don't trust him. At the moment we are more likely to break up because of my trust issues than him falling in love with an online stranger through shared Terry Pratchett recall. I'm really going to try and work on my trust issues this year and maybe read and memorise every Terry Pratchett novel ever written so I can keep tabs on him I'm these frigging forums ;)

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 30/12/2016 19:16

I was going to suggest that you had a Terry Pratchett immersion experience, but see you've already thought of it!

RedNoseRumble · 30/12/2016 20:05

Shired, but there's a reason why you have trust issues and your dh should respect this. He should be the one making huge changes, he shouldn't be messaging strangers in the internet, ge should be doing everything possible to repair the damage he caused last year. Surely he should know this!

RedNoseRumble · 30/12/2016 20:08

He should also be patient and not shout at you when confronted. He chose to go down the ea route last year, he's should be pulling all the stops to prove to you that he's changed. You're going to have set backs, he needs to accept that this is going to happen and not lose his temper when it does.

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