Am I evil, a martyr, a murderer or what?

[Ninarina]

Family came for Christmas even tho we don't celebrate fully but always do a proper Xmas dinner and pressies for kids. Mum died this year and dad has sold the house so first time without mum and last time we will be together in this house. I was excited about family coming- bro from London with family and sis from Scotland. My DC has mental health issues and I thought seeing family would help and give me support. I have DSis who loves cooking so was looking for help with Xmas dinner too. Ended up taking DC to hosp for MH issue on Xmas eve. No-one asked how I got on. I felt like I was being ignored. Sis not talking to me at all. Didn't help with anything so I cooked the meal alone for 10 people. Sat down to eat at 6pm and she says: "I will tell you why I'm not talking to you. You killed Mum. You're horrible. You're a martyr who does all the work to make us look bad. I'm sick of being the strong one. I've been so strong the whole year." I didn't expect praise or thanks but didn't expect vitriol either. I feel like I'm being punished for my mum not being here tho I'm trying my best to make things ok for the rest of us esp the kids. I'm having counselling and was doing well but this has set me right back. I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

It's a manifestation of her insecurities...don't blame yourself.

I think Maddie is a closet speed-reader, because 2 seconds of reading got me to "Family came for Christmas", which sounds so far, so good

Also wondering who Maddie is...

Why does she blame you for your Mum's death?

Well, maybe she did have too much to drink, and couldn't cope with the fact, that she didn't contribute enough of her time.
OP, you know the truth .... you were there for your Mum, that's all that matters. Let her fight her own demons.

That must have been hard for you. Is your dc ok now?

Sister sounds horrid.

I don't know why Maddie felt the need to post to tell us of her struggle with comprehension.

Poor you OP, sounds like there is a lot of emotion flying about and you are bearing the brunt of things - take a step back, deep breath and try and get some perspective. I hope that things get better?

And maddie, are you a 'piss head'? Is that why you are struggling to read? There are boards where you can get help on here if so. HTH.

Can I ask how the others responded to this strange complaint? Did you try to stop them from helping when they were asking to? Part of the grief process is sometimes anger which is why families can find themselves falling out about the daftest things when somebody dies so try not to be too set back by her comments. How did you respond to that? Sorry, so many questions but it just astounding to me that you could be going through all that with your son and then get a mouthful from your Sis.

why blame you for your dm death?
I was the eldest and it fell on me to make the decision to turn off the life support machine, although it was a joint decision, db was resentful for a very long time Is it on those lines?

If so, it does get easier.

How did the other family members react when your sister spewed out her venomous verbal attack?

Yes, grief brings with it a myriad of emotions, but, to accuse you of MURDER is extreme! Why does she think such a thing?

Am assuming there's a HUGE back story. Who the "bleep" is Maddie...is she connected?

She sounds deranged. I hope you told her to fuck off.

Wow - she sounds awful

I hope you swiped her dinner out from in front of her and said "well you won't be wanting that if you feel this way"!

OP what do you want to talk to us about your DC ? Or are you needing to vent about your sister? (Or both).

Your Sisters behaviour seems very strange, what do you think might have led to her statement that you killed your Mum?

That all seems utterly bizarre and nasty beyond belief, sorry you and your DC had such a shit time but what is the backstory to your relationship with your sister and that comment?

Hope you're ok OP, and the unpleasant post hasn't put you off replying

Thank you everyone who read and posted.

I was so so upset and just wanted to know if the world had gone mad and I really was getting it all wrong.

Sis has her own life and it's fine and lovely and she's been helpful in the past but is busy tbh don't really see her much at all. I've been nearer the parents and that's been fine too. But this time I could sense something different.

She arrived before rest of family. I got her from station all ok let her rest. Next day I was asking for help from her and brothers to sort sleeping arrangements for other family arriving that day.

Kept asking for help but no-one left their comfortable rooms. Sis got her old room from moons ago. So I had to do it alone. Ended up having to take kids to my house so I couldn't sleep in my own bed either.

My DC has severe problems so was also rushing to sort meds and get help for them.

After the outburst she went to sit with the rest of the family and enjoyed Xmas dinner and I sat sobbing. My dad and DC consoled me but the rest were on sis side. I've been having counselling to deal with mum death so I did wonder if jealousy that I'm further along grieving process but calling me a murderer? After mum passed I blamed myself for not paying attention to her as I was consumed by DC problems. So my sis used this against me to confirm that it was all my fault.

Thanks!

I'm sure you are right in saying my sis has not come to terms with my mum's passing but she managed to enjoy her Xmas dinner (that I cooked) quite happily after her accusations. Also her social media is full of events and parties and always with lots of friends so doesn't seem depressed not like my DC anyway. Sorry it's long thanks again for your advice x

Why would others take her side when it's such an awful thing to say?

How on earth can you paying attention to your DC contribute to your mum's death. OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for the death of your mum and then to have that awful comment thrown at you. How could you possibly be responsible? Sounds like your sister has some serious issues going on.

Ninarina, you poor love, rest assured, there is no way that your DF, would have comforted you, if there was a grain of truth in her venom.
She does sound as if she is a bit of an attention seeker, to be honest.
She has a different lifestyle to you, I know which one I would prefer.
No dinner for her next year, have a lovely day, with your Dad and your children.💐

When someone dies there is always a change in the family dynamics and a lot of stuff can come up for people. It's rotten that your sister took it out on you at a time when you needed support and were concerned for your child.

Am I right in thinking you were all in the family home which is about to be sold?

To be honest, if someone accused me of being a murderer I would tell them that they obviously can't risk food I've cooked and chuck them out.

your sister is bonkers. Please dont take it to heart. She can go fuck herself for saying that to you

Your sister sounds like my siblings. They do nothing yet are the first to whinge in the hospital as to how I could let things get this bad with my dad!

I had similar from my family when my parents were ill and also after they died. The hurt of being called a martyr hurts even ten years on. I was working full time and caring for both my parents. None of my family were working nor helping but were very good at telling me what I should have done better but didn't actually do it themselves. After my mum died my uncle actually said it might have worked out differently if someone else had cared for her. I was on my knees and my mental health has never recovered. I was told the reason people like your sister criticises what you did/do is because in her heart she knows she couldn't. You are by far the better person and she knows it.