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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I live with a stranger

16 replies

user1475439961 · 29/12/2016 18:55

I have been married for 14 years, we have 3 children & I feel desperately sad A lot of the time. My husband cheated on me when 2 of my dc were very young & although he blamed me initially, has since said sorry & I've tried to move on, accidentally had dd number 3 a few years ago. I feel I have tried so hard to keep my family together, to try to love a normal a life as possible for dc sakes. People say it's not right to do that but I believe that children would rather their parents together than apart, whatever the circumstances. Relate councillors also told us that. However, I can't keep it up anymore & I don't know what to do. I feel sick with anxiety about the future, I want to leave my husband but I don't want the dc to leave their home & I can't afford to stay in our home as he pays the mortgage.
My husband tells me I'm mad, sick in the head, need help etc, lies all the time about absolutely anything for no reason & told me I should be over the affair he had as wars are over in shorter amounts of time.
What would you do? I work, but don't earn nearly enough to support me & dc. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
fruitbats · 29/12/2016 19:01

I don't believe that it is true in all circumstances that children would prefer parents together. I wished with all my might that my parents's would split up when I was a child. The arguments and violence were appalling.
I think your DH would have to continue to assist with mortgage payments whilst DC are young, but I don't have any experience.
You are entitled to be happy and not have to live with someone who sounds so self centred.

formerbabe · 29/12/2016 19:06

What would you do? I work, but don't earn nearly enough to support me & dc.

From a practical side of things...have you checked online what you'd be entitled to if you were single? Tax credits?

CaptainHammer · 29/12/2016 19:08

Agree with fruitbats. When I found out aged 12 that my dad had an affair I wish they'd have split, had to wait till I was 25 for them to finally divorce. Both would have been far happier if they had split earlier but stayed together for me (which makes me feel awful!)

Also can't believe relate counsellors told you that too! I don't know much about relate but I wouldn't have thought that's a fair thing to say.

Ilovecaindingle · 29/12/2016 19:11

A report has been published that I read online that states kids are more damaged when they realise their parents relationship was fake. That their childhood was in fact a lie. Trust issues are likely in adult relationships. . As someone who has been divorced and has adult kids - they have told me that all that mattered to them in their childhood was that I was happy which made me a better mother to them. They never felt they missed out by not having a two parent family. .

Christmassnake · 29/12/2016 19:16

Dingle,that is one of my worries....I worry they can see through,to the sham it is...I'm sorry op I've no advice,but I understand...

MsGameandWatch · 29/12/2016 19:20

The relate councillor was terribly wrong to say that to you. I asked my children if they wished me and their dad were still together and they couldn't answer "NO!" quick enough. Children's response to parental break up I'd vey determined by how it's told to them and how they sense their parents to feel about it.

Chokehold · 29/12/2016 19:24

I would be devastated to know my mother had kept herself in an unhappy marriage for my sake. There will be times when children may even beg you to go back but his lies to you are a way of control for him. Now that you realise what's going on, you should take steps - go onto the housing people in your area, sometimes through local council. Depending on age of kids he will have to pay maintenance sand you will likely get help with working tax credit and rent help. Go onto council website or moneysavingexpert to get idea of what benefits you can claim. Loads of families live apart because it's better financially for them!! Even if the children don't see it now, I'm sure he will show them himself what a manipulator he can be.

Chokehold · 29/12/2016 19:24

I would be devastated to know my mother had kept herself in an unhappy marriage for my sake. There will be times when children may even beg you to go back but his lies to you are a way of control for him. Now that you realise what's going on, you should take steps - go onto the housing people in your area, sometimes through local council. Depending on age of kids he will have to pay maintenance sand you will likely get help with working tax credit and rent help. Go onto council website or moneysavingexpert to get idea of what benefits you can claim. Loads of families live apart because it's better financially for them!! Even if the children don't see it now, I'm sure he will show them himself what a manipulator he can be.

HighwayDragon1 · 29/12/2016 19:34

Two parents who are happy, but apart, is much better than two at war and miserable but together.

SecondsLeft · 29/12/2016 20:27

Honestly? It's probably not great for them either way. Work on your realtionship with yourself, and your relationship with them. And make plans to seperate.

Acrasia · 29/12/2016 20:29

My parents divorced when I was 5, and I never wished them back together. As a young child, I noticed that Daddy was making Mummy cry, no matter how much they tried to hide it. As an adult, it gave me the confidence to leave a very toxic relationship myself. I hope you manage to find happiness whatever you decide Flowers

afterthis · 29/12/2016 21:03

Although my parents' divorce was upsetting at the time & admittedly caused me a lot of anguish, I am (and always have been, when I thought about it rationally) very happy they weren't together for most of my childhood. I remember lots of arguing, tears & abuse from their marriage. Since then they have both had healthy relationships, been married & it's shown me & my siblings what good, healthy relationships & happy homes look like. I have a good relationship with them both now but they were a terrible combination.

redexpat · 29/12/2016 21:13

By staying in this relationship you are teaching dc that it is ok to treat someone like this. How would you feel if they were treated like this by a partner? I imagine you would want better for them. How would you feel if they treated a partner like this?

Check what benefits you would be entitled to. Could you work more hours?

alphabook · 29/12/2016 21:14

My sister and I agree neither of us would ever want to see our parents back together.

Domino20 · 29/12/2016 21:19

Your partner telling you that you are sick in the head is very worrying. That's not behaviour of someone who loves you rather he is trying to make you doubt yourself and your intuition and feelings.

RandomMess · 29/12/2016 21:23

Your H still has to support your DC even if you split, the courts will also want them housed!

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