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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still raging!

54 replies

dawneloise · 29/12/2016 02:17

My MIL is married to a man who I find totally irritating he is the kind of person who is always right and will use Google to prove it!

Anyway on Christmas Eve MIL and SFIL took DS (11) out for a drive to give me a chance to do some last minute prep. When he came home DS seemed quite upset but I didn't probe until after MIL had left. Apparently SFIL had told him that he shouldn't be receiving Christmas gifts as he doesn't believe in Jesus! I'm not religious but DH was bought up as Catholic and DS goes to church at school but we don't attend personally. Each to their own IMO. I know what Christmas is about and so does DS as they teach it at his school in RSE. To top it off MIL backed up her DH and DS was sobbing his heart out on Christmas Eve because of this. TBH this will probably be his last year of believing as he goes to high school after summer. I really feel that they ruined it for DS.

I've not said anything yet but I'm raging inside and it's eating me up. I know that MIL will be upset that DS was upset but he won't care. Also his grandkids aren't at all religious! I honestly feel like saying something similar to them next time I see them (I probably won't cos I'm too nice)

AIBU to be so angry and have I left it too late to say anything on the matter

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 29/12/2016 15:24

YANBU. Its not ok to bully children, not even if you think they are a bit immature or wrong.
MIL backed up her DH, so I wouldn't bother saying anything to them. I wouldn't let them alone with my DCs after that.

GigotdAgneau · 29/12/2016 15:25

Little confused that Jesus and Santa have been conflated?

youarenotkiddingme · 29/12/2016 15:28

Erm the OP said "told Ds he shouldn't be celebrating as he doesn't believe in jesus"

Nothing about Santa - please don't pile on and tell all of us with kids over 10 who believe they are pretending, weird, odd must have a disability etc.

Yanbu. What he did was push his beliefs on an 11yo which is ironic considering what he said.

BlueFolly · 29/12/2016 15:29

To decent parents, having their child upset is not inconsequential

I think that good parenting means keeping a sense of perspective.

caribou82 · 29/12/2016 15:39

I can understand SFIL saying something if your son said he didn't believe in Santa. You know, something like "Oh, well if you don't believe in Santa then he won't be able to bring you presents!" but bringing in religion with a child is a bit silly.

The issue here seems to be that the man is simply insufferable and has a history of being an idiot.

GigotdAgneau · 29/12/2016 15:41

OP implies Santa and Jesus are conflated in her second post, I have no problems with children believing in Santa or in Jesus, just think they are two separate things. Catholic or not.

Birdsgottafly · 29/12/2016 15:44

""I think that good parenting means keeping a sense of perspective.""

The OP left it to enjoy Christmas, but is now considering it, to decide what to do about it.
""Also I was asking if I was being unreasonable to be angry not if DS1's reaction was unreasonable which I feel it wasn't.""

OP, I think your DS being on the Spectrum is relevant, it can mean that he won't have the usually expected response or ability to argue his case/ just think "what a dickhead".

I had a relative that now in hindsight, I regret not protecting my DD (with SN, now 19), from, it did annoy her for days and did have some effect on her self esteem/confidence.

You'd have to be a despicable person to upset a child on Christmas Eve.

I'd now want an explanation from them and if your FIL can't see what he's done wrong and your Mum won't protect her DS, then you'll have to rethink the time alone with them.

As for "going for a drive", it can be nice to look at the lights on the houses. It's what we did in the old days, for entertainment.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2016 16:11

Are there other issues going on with your 11year old that might have contributed to him 'sobbing his heart out'?

It seems like a bit of an over reaction to be honest.

Birdsgottafly · 29/12/2016 16:15

""It seems like a bit of an over reaction to be honest.""

Being verbally attacked and deliberately upset, by two people who are supposed to care about you, in a situation that you can't bring to an end (trapped in a car).

Quite upsetting for anyone, especially a child.

cathf · 29/12/2016 16:26

Total overreaction by your son and yourself and I can't believe most posters are agreeing with you.
Do people really live their lives in such an argumentative and dramatic way or is it a MN thing?
I fear for these cosseted children once they have to live in the real world without mummy being there to fight their battles, dry their eyes and argue with anyone who upsets them.

MavisTheTwinklyToreador · 29/12/2016 16:34

I think this bloke has behaved in a mean spirited way. How petty of him to feel the need to distress a kid. I'd keep him at several arms lengths from now on. Some unattractive character traits creeping out. YANBU

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2016 16:45

Verbally attacked? Confused

Apparently SFIL had told him that he shouldn't be receiving Christmas gifts as he doesn't believe in Jesus

That was a verbal attack??

Blimey.

peekyboo · 29/12/2016 17:01

I'm sure FIL didn't just say that one thing to him. He sounds like the kind of person who would go on and on and on about a thing, until he gets agreement. So imagine that with a child on the spectrum, in a car, with no caring adult to support him (in fact, the opposite) and nowhere to turn.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2016 17:11

Gosh peekyboo, I've no idea about that from the little bit the OP has said.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 29/12/2016 17:15

I'm not seeing a conflation between Jesus and Santa - all I'm reading in the OP is that SFiL told the boy that he shouldn't be getting presents because he doesn't believe in Jesus.

So DS comes home thinking he's bad/not going to get any presents.

Nasty thing to do to a child.

GingerHollyandIvy · 29/12/2016 18:01

And if you think an 11 year old hasn't figured out or hasn't been told by his mates that Father Christmas isn't real, you're being pretty niaive. Either that or he's very young or cosseted for his age.

My 10yo still believes. He has ASD and developmental delay. I haven't felt the need to rip it out from under him yet.

As far as overreaction, I'd say this is pretty accurate:

Being verbally attacked and deliberately upset, by two people who are supposed to care about you, in a situation that you can't bring to an end (trapped in a car).

Quite upsetting for anyone, especially a child.

Add in the overexcitement of Christmas, and the reinforcement of the SFIL's words to the child by trusted MIL(grandmother), whereas if the MIL had laughed and said "oh give over, we're just joking" then the child probably would have just laughed it off.

GingerHollyandIvy · 29/12/2016 18:02

I'd be checking SFIL and MIL's house for Christmas pictures of Jesus on a sleigh with reindeer, however, as that's a bit odd. Xmas Grin

Sybys · 29/12/2016 18:24

I am seeing Jesus and Santa as being a bit conflated in this thread. The OP says in her first post that this will be her child's last year believing as he's off to secondary school years next year (i haven't heard people say this about belief in Jesus before) and then, in the second post, confirms that he still believes in Santa.

Sounds to me that the talk might have been "Santa isn't real, Jesus is the real meaning of Xmas and you don't believe in him so shouldn't get presents".

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/12/2016 19:07

What a very silly man, get him told OP. 😡

Baylisiana · 29/12/2016 21:10

I think OP was just saying that the upset was particularly unfortunate in what could be his last year of really believing in the 'magic'. Whether he does or not is not that relevant. The point is what grandparent, step or otherwise, sets out to upset a child on Christmas Eve like that? never mind the fact that the comment itself was insidious nonsense.

JustWoman · 29/12/2016 22:25

Has your sfil considered working for Operation Christmas Child.

I think you have had more YANBUs if you'd said FIL had told you that shoudlnt be buying presents for the DC as you don't believe in Jesus.

My mum would makes similar jokes but we'd know she was joking and not mean it by her laughing when she'd say it. And if it was a joke that's gone wrong surely your mil, who'd know he is in the spectrum wouldn't have confirmed sfil views when DS became upset?

It sounds more like it wasn't a joke, and more of a one sided discussion in which sfil said his bit, DS disagreed and then mil backed it up.

Is your sfil religious? If the answer is yes, he doesn't get to tell others what they should and shouldn't be doing anyway, never mind a child in Christmas Eve.
If he isn't religious does he apply his views to himself. Has he made everyone aware that he doesn't want any gifts for Christmas because he doesn't believe in God or whatever or is he one of those people who think they can say what others should not do, while doing it himself.

If he doesn't believe and the things he said were what he actually believes, or he was being purposefully Grady and mean to DS and not a joke gone tits up, I'd not give him (and possibly mil since she backed it up) a Xmas gift if you were planning to and I'd tell him that you did have a gift but have returned it after finding out he feels people shouldn't get gifts if they don't believe in Jesus and that you will respect him and not buy him gifts but could he show the same respect back and not comment on your doing Christmas how you want. That you won't rub your views his face by inviting him for Christmas lunch or including them in Xmas Preps arc atc, I'd also maybe apologise to mil for buying her gifts previous years, for hosting/joining her for Xmas lunches in the past as you had no idea she held the same views..

That's what I'd want to do but probably wouldn't and just think sfil a wanker.

Original poster
dawneloise · 30/12/2016 00:46

Glad I'm not BU

DH is furious but works away and is away until into the new year. We are going to lunch with the out laws tomorrow, I only agreed so I could bring this subject up or I'd have told them to do one.

I lost my mum this year and although most people can't stand their MIL mine is (usually) amazing.

We will be having a late Christmas for DH when he gets home and would normally invite the in laws along but have agreed not to this time. If I thought MIL would come without her hubby I'd invite just her but she won't as he bullies her too. He doesn't like me as I stand up to him. Never did like a bully

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 30/12/2016 16:26

This is all a bit confusing to be honest.

If your son, at the age of 11, was crying solely because of one teasing remark about not believing in God meaning you shouldn't get presents, then I think he might be a bit over-sensitive.

However, if he was actually crying because of the way your SFIL spoke to him - ie if your SFIL was bullying, aggressive, relentless or spiteful in the way he pursued the topic - then yes, your SFIL has been a complete dick and a bully. There's a big difference between a bit of light-hearted teasing (or even a thoughtful discussion) and a grown man hectoring and shouting down an 11-year-old kid until he cries, isn't there? I remember an adult (not a relative of mine, thank god) reducing my poor cousin to tears at a wedding because he took it upon himself to start cross-examining her about her vegetarianism. He was a man in his 60s, she was about 10ish, and he went on and on and on about it in a really relentless, aggressive way and was deliberately making her feel small. If your SFIL took this approach, then YANBU to be pissed off with him.

pallasathena · 30/12/2016 18:55

Teach your child that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.
Equally, you and everyone else on the planet are entitled to disagree with that opinion.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 30/12/2016 19:20

Hi OP,

I am a Christian and for me Christmas is a deeply religious festival. I also did the whole father christmas thing as a child and do it for my own sons. Never saw an issue with it. I also work with small children and I utterly refuse to use "Father Christmas/the elf is watching " with any child in my care. Its just utterly cruel and anxiety inducing in my opinion.

People can choose to celebrate or not celebrate Christmas in whatever way they choose to. And for what it's worth if Jesus were in your house on Christmas day I believe without reservation that everyone would be given a present from him. Ask SFIL to prove otherwise...biblically!

I can help with any further argument if necessary...quite cross on your behalf actually.