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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Physical discipline from grandfather

21 replies

Toomuchyogurt · 29/12/2016 00:52

Am I being unreasonable to expect my FIL not to physically discipline my children? While I was at work he squeezed and pulled my DS's arm, my DH was there, so not acting as primary carer. There has been one other incident a long time ago of a similar nature, again I was not there but my DH was.

OP posts:
december10th · 29/12/2016 00:55

so is he pulling his arm to get him to come along?

DonaldStott · 29/12/2016 00:55

What!!! Was you're dh physically disciplined so thinks it's normal? I would physically discipline fil and see how he likes it!! I would not let my child go there tbh.

Original poster
Toomuchyogurt · 29/12/2016 01:03

No, december10th not pulling arm to get him to come along, he's 10 and can follow instruction, think DS may have been messing around, but I would talk to him about expected behaviour etc, not pull and squeeze his arm.
DonaldStott my DH had the same but is adamant our doc don't. I am annoyed he didn't stand up to FIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchyogurt · 29/12/2016 01:04

DC not doc

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 29/12/2016 01:07

YADNBU, completely unacceptable. What did you DH say?!!

LoupGarou · 29/12/2016 01:11

Ah sorry crossed post. I think it needs addressing immediately. Personally I would calmly tell the FIL that he will not be seeing the DC until he apologises to your children and until you are certain he will not physically discipline them again.

DailyFail1 · 29/12/2016 01:14

What was your DS doing to warrant it? That part is important. Did he run out in front of a car? Was he being violent? Physical punishments for minor misbehaviours isn't really acceptable.

Original poster
Toomuchyogurt · 29/12/2016 01:18

First time, long time ago, FIL said he'd overstepped the mark which my DH said yes you did, this time it sounds like he fudged it completely, but I have said we will be talking about it (once I've calmed down). He's never done it when I've been there, though I have on occasion pulled him up for verbally reprimanding my children when I (& DH) have been present and already spoken to dc about behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchyogurt · 29/12/2016 01:22

dailyfail1 definitely misdemeanor

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LoupGarou · 29/12/2016 01:32

I do not think physical discipline is ever acceptable, as I said before, YAdefinitelyNBU.

Original poster
Toomuchyogurt · 29/12/2016 01:45

Thank you everyone, i didn't think IWBU but needed a bit of insight from others who are probably significantly calmer than I currently am!

OP posts:
lovelearning · 29/12/2016 08:21

YANBU

ChishandFips33 · 29/12/2016 08:24

There's a marked difference to physically handling a child to prevent an accident such as running in to a road and 'punishment'

YANBU

The2ndSpartacus · 29/12/2016 08:28

Yanbu. I'd go mad and make it clear that DC wouldn't be in his company again, and why.

Rixera · 29/12/2016 08:28

Don't let him get away with it. You don't want your DC worrying about this happening every time he visits.

Headofthehive55 · 29/12/2016 08:38

Depends what the ten year old was doing. Touching his upper arm to gain eye contact so child will listen might have been his intention.

angeldelightedme · 02/01/2017 08:12

Why do you ' pull him up for verbally reprimanding' your son. I agree with you re the physical stuff, but this sounds a bit precious

Original poster
Toomuchyogurt · 02/01/2017 11:32

I've pulled him up after I'd told my son not to do something and my FiL felt the need to weigh in and continue to reprimand my DS which I felt was quite unnecessary. I have no issue with any grandparent (non-physically) disciplining the children when they are acting in loco-parentis, however if my DH or I are there they can leave the parenting duties to the parents.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 02/01/2017 11:48

Think it is not unreasonable to question but wouldn't overreact to a grandparent using a gentle pull,of an arm to gain compliance. E.g. You say can you let grandad sit down please? Child doesn't budge so grandad grabs arm and says " Where's your manners, up you get lad". He probably thought he was being supportive of you rather than undermining you. I think best just to say " I've got this grandad. Get up you when you are asked, you rude little toad".

Original poster
Toomuchyogurt · 02/01/2017 12:11

It wasn't a gentle pull, it was a hard squeeze and a hard pull, he has previously pulled my other DS up by his ear. In this incident my DS was playing with the puppy. I'm sure he does think he was supporting me the other time, and I did tell him 'I've got this' but it doesn't seem to sink in. My DH was physically disciplined by him as a child, but he needs to differentiate between Children and Grandchildren

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 02/01/2017 12:20

I'd have fucking punched him the first time he pulled your other son's ear!

Why the fuck are you putting up with this!?? It's terrible to allow them to be around the abiusive bastard!

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