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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family gifts - would you bother?

24 replies

AyeAyeFishyPie · 28/12/2016 21:44

I am from a big family. Most of my siblings have kids - i dont yet. I am the youngest by quite a way.I am dreadful with my nieces and nephews birthdays - I try but I always forget cards which I beat myself up about and then don't want to be unfair by rembering some. But I get little to no contact from most of my siblings even through stressful things like breakins to great things like jobs etc.

When I got married the 7 adults clubbed together and bought us a household item worth £80. One sister moaned about my hen do but went because my dad made her feel bad. Another told my maid of honour that it 'wasn't her thing' - she didn't contact me.

Every Christmas I make sure I buy their kids (all 13 of them) gifts. I rarely get a thank u - last year I got one written by my sister at the end of January and was not personalised in anyway. My sister in law texted me asking if they could change a gift because it was a book my nephew didn't like (not ridiculously inappropriate - think Thomas Tank rather than Fireman Sam).

I never get any gifts in return. This year I haven't even got a Christmas card from one sister.

We have no relationship. I feel awe ward at family gatherings. I am close to one. What do I do? aibu to think I just give up and that buying gifts for their children is just pretending their is a relationship?

Help :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

AyeAyeFishyPie · 28/12/2016 21:45

*there. Not their. Sorry.

OP posts:

EZA15 · 28/12/2016 23:03

I'd forego (sp?) gifts but I'm brutal. Do you think it would cause issues within the family?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/12/2016 23:06

If you're it getting a thank you or even acknowledgement then just send a card.

£80 between 7 adults for a siblings wedding?! I'll get flamed fornicate this but they are tight bastards!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/12/2016 23:06

Fornicate?! I meant For!!
My phone is a pervert

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/12/2016 23:07

*not (not it)

llhj · 28/12/2016 23:08

Well the wedding gift is unbelievable from your siblings. Are they close to each other?

Castleheights · 28/12/2016 23:31

Ya def nbu
Just stop buying presents. Same for birthdays, unless they make an effort for you.

LittleBoat · 28/12/2016 23:37

Other than the sibling you are close to, I would stop buying presents for xmas and birthdays, but maybe give small gifts when, and if, you actually see them.

I used to do this with one enormous family branch. It eventually petered out. We rarely see each other now, but when we do we all get on and there are no expectations from anyone.

Original poster

AyeAyeFishyPie · 28/12/2016 23:40

Thanks for the replies. Some of them are closer - I have always felt quite left out. I think some of them think I'm spoilt as our parents bought me more 'stuff ' - I grew up almost as an only child. But they certainly didn't pay for our wedding or anything. The wedding gift hurt me because it just felt that they literally didn't give a shit. Maybe I will stop the Christmas gifts.

Families are painful :-(

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DailyFail1 · 28/12/2016 23:48

Stop the christmas gifts together. Gifts are repricocal. If you don't get shown any consideration by the family members involved then don't give them anything. It just raises the expectation of more from you.

Original poster

AyeAyeFishyPie · 28/12/2016 23:56

Thanks DailyFail - I think I will go with this approach from now on. I've made myself all pissed off now.

I might write to them next year and explain why. I have sort of stopped caring :-(

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junebirthdaygirl · 29/12/2016 01:14

Shocked at the wedding gift. You would get more than that if they had a whip around at work. That's so mean. I have dsis younger than rest of a big family. When she married we all gave at least 500 each and very happy to do so. Do you have fun with the kids, enjoy buying for them? If not just leave it. You're siblings are mean.

KC225 · 29/12/2016 01:38

I agree, it's not the monetary value of gifts, it's about thought, time and effort. If none of those gestures are reciprocated then just stop. It's not about getting something in return but not even an acknowledgement is mean spirited. You do not have to make a big announcement, just stop. You don't owe anyone gifts. They can't demand them. Concentrate on those close around who love and support you, unfortunately does not necessarily mean siblings.

PonderLand · 29/12/2016 01:46

I wouldn't bother getting them gifts now unless there's an event. Like a birthday party or something. My cousin has started buying my son (6m) presents and posting them, I've never even thought about getting her lg something due to the fact I never see them. We live north and they live south. I find it quite awkward and I always forget to buy them things because they just aren't on my radar nor can I afford it. I'm sure they'll understand if you stop buying them things. Some times a Christmas card is acknowledgment enough once a year!

PonderLand · 29/12/2016 01:47

Just to add when I say an event, I mean something which you're invited to and attend!

GrinAndTonic · 29/12/2016 03:27

I just popped onto MN to ask a similar question so i'll just tag along if that's ok?

We (DH and I) received nothing from my my DB or SIL this Christmas despite buying them and their children gifts. We haven't even received a phone call/text/FB post saying thank you. We know they got them as I handed them to them myself before I went home (we live 900km away from them). My Mum asked them what they got us and their response was that they were "too busy". The funny thing is that SIL posts everything she does on FB so I know how busy she wasn't.
I am quite tempted to not acknowledge them at all next Christmas and maybe start a bank account for the niece and nephew instead and hand them over some cash when they are 18. Seem fair?
On a funnier note, SIL thinks that the candle holders I got for them are champagne glasses.

HighDataUsage · 29/12/2016 07:46

My elderly neighbour has a similar issue with her family, each Christmas/birthday she sends money with cards but her kids never visit. This year she got so fed up with the lack of visits that she sent the cards without the cash and said that if they wanted their money gift they would have to come and collect it. Not surprisingly nobody has yet visited her and she spent Christmas on her own again, they did phone to ask where the cash was though!

Softkitty2 · 29/12/2016 09:12

They might actually notice when the gifts stop.. And if they mention anything.. Say I never get a thank you and you never bother with me so why should I? Relationships are a 2 way street. Yes families are painful... This yeat has been the worst year of our lives coz of 'family'

Original poster

AyeAyeFishyPie · 29/12/2016 09:16

I'm sorry to hear that softkitty - do you want to talk about it? I am finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that both DH's family and my family just don't care much.

I got a text to say thank you from one sibling this morning. No Christmas card or anything else so my feelings haven't changed a huge amount. We will see. Thanks everyone.

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ChristmasTreeKisses · 29/12/2016 09:25

GrinandTonic yes I would just stop, maybe a Christmas card if you feel like it next year.

DontDeadOpenInside · 29/12/2016 10:34

My dhs family wind me up. We have more kids than his brothers and sisters do yet it seems like everyone treats ours differently and they do notice. The family all do it.. they will for example spend £50 on one niece thats an only child then £50 between ours and £50 between 2 more. We spend the same amount on each child and the same on each couple no matter how big their family is and i think it's really unfair. I get questions from the kids like 'why did grandma and grandad buy X a bike and we got a tshirt?' What do you say?

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2016 10:42

Stop sending gifts. I stopped sending significant amounts of money to my siblings' dc because it was never acknowledged, nor did we get anything in return. I don't want grovelling thank yous, just to know the cash got there rather than thinking it's gone missing.

Fartleks · 29/12/2016 11:01

I totally understand hen nights not being someone's thing. That's fine. We all have stuff we feel less comfortable doing. It was rude if your SIL not to contact you at all.

Your neices and nephews are not your siblings. I would in your shoes buy each one a £5 book voucher at xmas. I would also write every child's birthday card out in one go, address them, add the birth month on the outside and stamp them, then let them sit on your window sill and pop them in the post as and when needed. Alternatively give the birthday cards out at xmas too and let the parents hang on to them.

Do your siblings usually do cards? I'm not sure you can expect a gift from them.

Original poster

AyeAyeFishyPie · 02/01/2017 23:08

Sorry for pause in reply:

Fartleks: I don't expect presents but I just wonder why every year I buy kids presents with so often little thought back. This year the sum contact I got from my sister was a text on 29th. I just think - is it so hard to write a card? Do I not exist because I don't have kids? I just find it a bit sad and every year it's the same.

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