To not know how (or whether) to reply to this letter from stbx's mother

[woundedplacerias]

The dc have been at her's since Boxing Day and got back earlier today. They brought with them a card for me which had a letter inside it. Having read it I don't know what to make of it and would appreciate some opinions. Before I outline it, the backstory is ex and I separated in 2014 after he told me of his long term infidelity with a mutual friend. Divorce proceedings are now underway and custody is shared about 60/40 to me.

Mil begins the letter by outlining to me observations she has made of the dc's behaviour. They are 9 & 7 and she mentions how she ds2 winds up ds1 frequently, and says that ds1 needs help handling this. She then goes on to talk approvingly of ds1's love of a particular sport and comments negatively on ds2's craze on a particular age appropriate character, saying she hopes it will end soon as it is so shallow. This may explain her gift to them both of the charity goat things, if anyone saw that thread a couple of weeks ago. None of what she says is news to me, and I am obviously trying to deal with the issues as best I can, though I have no clue how ex feels about it all and they spend nearly as much time with him as me - probably more since I work longer hours and have to use childcare more than he does. She doesn't mention whether she raised these issues with him and, tbh, it reads like a massive criticism of my parenting.

She ends the letter by saying she is aware that I have not responded to her various attempts to stay in touch. She and sil have sent me vouchers for birthdays and Christmas since the split, though this Christmas have not done so, to my relief. I never knew how to respond and want no relationship with them. They've done nothing wrong (aside from being annoying in the way in-laws can be) but they are ex's family and I can't have a weird sort of relationship with them in which we never mention what an utter shit their son/brother is. Mil especially pissed me off at the time of the split by telling me how she has been on both sides of an affair and that ex 'would have been controlled by his hormones.' Yes, for 3 years I suppose . Anyway, he's her son, I get that, but I don't want anything to do with her after her comments. I think things will be even worse this year as the divorce progresses and ex seems like he is gearing up to fight me for more access to the dc and a mesher order. I can't possibly maintain some sort of bland relationship with them with all that going on.

But the letter is so long (she has form for strangely long and over-involved letters). Do I just ignore it? Or write back? In fairness she ends quite nicely by saying she hopes I'll go to her if I ever need help, but I do need to help now, but since the source of my problems is her son, it's hardly appropriate I go to her is it? WWYD?

If you think that is the case then I would reply with a little note saying hny, blah blah blah. What behaviour has she witnessed as they are angels with you?

Might take the wind out of her sails a bit.

Start a new Xmas tradition where u have to burn at least one Xmas card on the 28th of December. .
Now go find a match..

I'm with Gazelda, BillSykes and Whatsername on this, and would probably write a brief letter back along those lines.

However, I would be unable to resist adding "I'm glad it's not just me who has noticed the effect that their father's infidelity and subsequent attitude/behaviour has had on the boys. DS1 does indeed feel the lack of a suitable male role model demonstrating empathy and consideration, and DS2 is now feeling insecure and in need of attention following his father's betrayal of the family. They are both finding it difficult to trust even close family members as a result of their dad's breach of trust. I'm so glad that you have picked up on this and hope you will do everything in your power to reassure them that they are still very much loved by their father's side of the family despite his actions, as they know they are loved by me and my family".

Might not be the right thing to do though (I have no experience of divorce proceedings) but hell, two can play at the PA game!

I think slightlys reply is a very good one.

But then a woman who could excuse her sons abuse of marriage vows as a "men will be men due to their hormones" probably always sees her DGCs behavioural development as the responsibility of the mother. So it may fall on deaf ears.

Personally, I wouldn't get drawn into a lengthy response. A simple card, thanking her for taking the time to write. Wish her all the best for 2017.

At the end of the day, she can have as many one sided conversations as she so pleases. But, she can't argue with herself. Which she'll come to realise when she gets a simple response in return.

Why send it so you? Surely it's her son that should be on the receiving end of her pointless drivel? Or was it to wind you up and make you bite back? She's obviously done a cracking job of bringing up her own son? (Not)

Return to sender? Or just ignore it

'Dear stbx Mil
Thank you for your letter, I am sure you will understand if I don't take parenting advice from someone who successfully raised a lying, cheating, disloyal dick. Have a wonderful new year '

I would send a new years card with a polite note saying happy new year and politely say you do not wish any futher contact with ex family and refer to ex reguarding anything to do with children.

As someone who's been through a nasty divorce I would say to be VERY careful of saying anything positive about his side/accepting negative comments of your side!

The temptation would be jeffreysadsac's answer or 'oh really? Cos YOUR parenting was SO successful (not).'

Cheeky mare! And I'd lay odds she's not blaming her son for any of this!

Oh thank you for the funny, and totally inappropriate, ones .

But then a woman who could excuse her sons abuse of marriage vows as a "men will be men due to their hormones" probably always sees her DGCs behavioural development as the responsibility of the mother. So it may fall on deaf ears

The really hilarious thing about that is that she established the Women's Studies dept in a RG university and is a renowned feminist in her field .

Send a letter back acknowledging the letter.
"Thank you for the letter. Writing this to acknowledge receipt". That way you are not ignoring her (potential ammunition in the divorce proceedings maybe) but also not giving anything away in terms of your feelings in the matter which may also be used as ammunition. She could also be trying to slyly to make you cross and provoke an outburst. Don't rise to it and assume a 'couldn't care less attitude to it'.

I'd ignore it. You don't want a relationship with her - so don't open channels of communication. If she feels that she needs to comment on the DC then she should address those observations to her son.

Sling it in the bin; let her write long and over-involved letters to her DS instead!

I have a good relationship with my ex mil. She never sees her son so she knows he's a shit but she would never actually say it. Actions can speak louder than words sometimes

Agree with those saying just send her a card back wishing her a Happy New Year, thanking her for having the DC and ignoring absolutely everything else.

Then you've observed niceties but refused to enter into any form of debate or ongoing discussion about anything.

I'd either completely ignore the letter or reply along the lines of...

...thank you for your letter. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Best wishes for 2017!

And that's all. I wouldn't engage in discussion about anything you don't want to. Letting her have her say doesn't mean you agree with it. Does arm her with any ammunition.

Gazelda's reply to the OP was really good.
I'd use that.
It was the first reply.

JustSpeakSense reply was great too
Dare you* to send it OP*.

How about ' thanks for your letter, I'll pass it on to your son so that he's fully aware of your thoughts about our children".
I think you've been quite tolerant. It sounds like she wants to be an involved grandmother and that's great, but if you really want to keep your distance, you do that and let STBXH manage all aspects of their relationship, so he arranges for the DCs to see her on his contact time and manages communication with her. You can do that gradually and there doesn't have to a big announcement. Maybe things will change once the divorce dust has settled, maybe not.

I dislike people passing letters via children but maybe that's just me being picky. I think it puts the kids in a difficult position if they're aware of tension and may be worried if they're not sure of how the letter is received.

Crumbs, this is an interesting one.

I think you do have to reply. To ignore it completely would be very clumsy and perhaps give her ammunition against you?

You need to find some firm but subtle words for your reply.

How about

"Dear ex-mil

I am so pleased to hear from the dc that they had a lovely time with you over the holidays. Yes, I agree dc1 can be and dc2 occasionally ; as you know it has been hard for them since dh's affair and our subsequent split. Hopefully you have shared your observations with him :). We are all looking forward to moving on after the divorce.

Very best wishes for the New Year"

Short but sweet and to the point.

Having been through similar with ex in-laws wanting to keep contact with DC via me (rather than via exP), I'd advise a polite response drawing a line under it.

Gazelda's response is excellent - polite, acknowledges that she has her own relationship with DC and that you think further contact is unwise. Don't be drawn into discussing DC behaviour and ignore anything further.

Ex-MIL isn't important to your DC (in that they have to spend time with her), so ignoring completely seems a bit hostile.

Ex-MIL IS important to your DC!

Wow Wounded - I'd have thought with that background she'd be the first one kicking her DS up the backside.

Bibbity - also a Great response

I can't get past she's a renowned feminist

oh - and the goat

There are lots of polite and reasoned ideas on here.
Acknowledge her card, I'd be sorely tempted to say, oh we don't see that behaviour here, what strategies have you tried? Does your son have similar issues?
Can you do a head tilt in a card?