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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I am damn well NOT being unreasonable?!

16 replies

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2016 04:54

Hmmph.

DH and two friends were ice fishing all day. They got back to our house around 7 pm. One friend was sober, DH the slightest bit tipsy, and the third friend fairly drunk. Sober friend drove home, drunk friend stayed a bit to sober up.

I was in another room gathering clothes to wash and I heard DD (3) shrieking. It sounded like laughter but I couldn't be sure; however DH was with her so I didn't go in right away. I did a few minutes later and saw drunk friend was tickling her and trying to "make" her talk to him.

DD is an...interesting...girl. She really doesn't care for people outside of her immediate family on the whole and especially doesn't like to be unexpectedly touched by anyone other than myself and DH. I could tell right away that she was truly upset as she was shoving at the drunk friend's hands and trying to wiggle away, though she WAS laughing as it's kind of a reflex when being tickled.

I picked her up away from him and pleasantly said "she doesn't like being tickled" and walked away. She promptly burst into tears and clung to me. She was actually trembling and I could feel her little heart thrumming; she was terrified. :(

Drunk friend felt bad and apologized and I said "she just really doesn't like being tickled" and left it as that. I held her and kept her with me as I went about my business and told her (in another room) that it's fine to not like being tickled and it's okay to tell people, even grownups, to stop touching you if you don't like it.

I know I was a bit cool to Drunk Friend after that but I said goodbye pretty nicely when he left, I think. DH tried to get DD to say goodbye but she wouldn't. I said "she's tired" and told DD it was fine to just wave, which she did.

After Drunk Friend left I told DH not to let people tickle DD. I didn't yell or anything but I was pretty irritated that he hadn't stepped in. He said he didn't realize (DD does like it when we tickle her so that was probably true) and then said I was overreacting.

I told him that DD was truly afraid and who wouldn't be when someone easily three times their size is touching you in a way you don't like and won't stop! I also said I know Drunk Friend didn't mean anything by it; he's overall a decent sort (always been pretty blunt and tactless though) and has kids himself, etc.

We left it at that but I can tell DH still thought I was being silly, and tbh I'm still angry he didn't step in for DD.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here?

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 28/12/2016 04:58

NO you are NOT over reacting.

TheMaddHugger · 28/12/2016 05:02

read down the page to No.5
idealistmom.com/how-to-raise-a-girl/

Manumission · 28/12/2016 05:03

You're not over reacting.

But you won't get any sense out of him until a 24hr cool off has expired.

beingorange · 28/12/2016 05:09

I would be furious with a drunk grown man pawing my children, whether they liked it or not.

Original poster

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2016 05:15

That's kind of how I felt orange. To be totally honest I wanted to hit him for a minute. It was pure mother rage.

He did truly feel bad when she cried and I know he really didn't realize she didn't like it but ffs.

I get especially defensive of DD because people don't seem to "get" her iykwim. They think she's being rude or naughty or something (and in some cases she is of course) but I just feel like there's something not quite...typical, I guess, or maybe "average" would be the better word...with how she interacts with people. She much prefers animals. (So do I sometimes )

OP posts:

beingorange · 28/12/2016 05:20

I also think drunk adults are very disorientating for children. This is NOT judgemental about alcohol: I love a drink or several, but I think children pick up straight away that there is something 'off' about an adult who has been drinking, and don't like to come too close.
Your daughter is allowed to be as offbeat as she likes! She sounds great. And a lot like my daughter. I make a real point of telling her she can choose what company she keeps and play what she wants to.

user1477282676 · 28/12/2016 05:20

YANBU. One of my worst memories is the pissed friends of my parents. Yuk.

Original poster

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2016 05:29

She is great, thanks Orange. Sometimes challenging, frequently exhausting, but I think she's a brilliant little human really. :)

I don't think even 9 year old DS thought "drunk" but I could be wrong. I do think you're right and that they thought he was a little strange. They don't know him well; he lives far away and was just back for Christmas, so I think they think he's just silly.

OP posts:

BathshebaNewYearStone · 28/12/2016 05:41

You handled it very well. Your poor DD! How is she now?

Original poster

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2016 05:53

Oh, fine Bathsheba, thanks :) Minutes after the friend left she was watching some fishing show with her brothers and in absolute glee at seeing the "huge, huge fishies" and an enormous anaconda. She did tell me she only like "fwendly snakes". :o She went to bed normally, didn't seem scared or mention it again.

I did tell her I will always, always help if someone is doing something she doesn't like and she can always tell me. I hope I didn't bang on and on about it, but I hated that she was so scared and also it's very important to me that all three of the DCs understand consent really clearly. (Of course.)

OP posts:

BlackSwan · 28/12/2016 05:59

I would have been furious. Your husband should have taken her out of the situation. As respectable as he thinks his friend is, it's not appropriate for a grown man, drunk or not drunk, to tickle a kid who doesn't know him.

MagicChicken · 28/12/2016 06:06

YABNU AT ALL.

Being tickled (especially quite aggressively so) by someone you do not feel VERY familiar and comfortable and safe with is a horrible, invasive and violating experience. Your DD objecting to it doesn't make her unusual, it makes her extremely normal. Whether she's a very private/unusual sort of child or not, is not the point. I think most children would have reacted the same way, even easy going ones. I know what you mean about her though - my eldest was exactly the same as a child -still is-- wary of strangers and not a bundle of laughs until he'd got the measure of a person and deemed them worthy of him.

You have not overreacted in the slightest and I think your DH was an idiot not to step in sooner.

Original poster

CheerfulYank · 28/12/2016 06:37

I think so too Magic. That it makes her normal, I mean. I hate being tickled myself, even by DH! I'm just now thinking of a big stranger doing it and it's pissing me off all over again.

I just mentioned her general personality because I think he probably spoke to her and she didn't answer (we are working on that; I don't want her to feel the need to carry on a long conversation with someone if she'd rather not, but I want her to be able to politely say hello and then move on) hence he started tickling her.

OP posts:

BathshebaNewYearStone · 28/12/2016 06:39

huge, huge fishies She sounds fine!

GreatFuckability · 28/12/2016 06:42

I think you were not being unreasonable to remove her, but I think its done now and you need to let it go. You admit yourself he wasn't trying to upset her, he made a mistake, he apologised. DH didn't realise she was upset. She's fine. There isn't anything to get upset about any further.

mirokarikovo · 28/12/2016 06:49

Yanbu and I think you handled it well. In a day or two just casually ask some time whether DD wants to ask anything or say anything about what happened in case she is feeling more turmoil than she is letting on.

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