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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have not invited my DM for Christmas ?

39 replies

tierny · 27/12/2016 23:10

So long story short, my mum lives alone after death of her second husband 6 years ago. My sister and I have taken turns to have her for Christmas, but this year there have been a few 'falling outs' shall we call them, over my mothers very strong opinions and continuous kicking off when she doesn't get her own way, or if someone dares to go against what she decides they should do. She is an only child btw, and was very spoilt as a child - and as a wife come to think of it, by our father ! She is very used to getting her own way and will chuck the mother of all wobblers if she doesn't.

So anyway, I had her here last Christmas and she then told me months later during one of her rants, how awful it was, that my home is unwelcoming and there's and atmosphere and we aren't 'normal' and I didn't offer her a drink when other guests arrived later but offered them one 😳. There is only an atmosphere when she is here because we never quite know when she might turn and throw a moody ! No one dare say a thing to upset her but she can say whatever she likes ! So I decided that this year we would not be asking her. She has not spoken to my sister for around 6 months after telling her she disapproves of her new partner and wants nothing more to do with them, so obviously wasn't invited there either.
She has them decided to plaster all over fb what an awful Christmas she has had alone etc and told all her friends that her children were both 'doing their own thing'. She fails to tell them that the real reasons she has not been invited anywhere this year is because she totally slated my home, family partner etc, and told my sister she wants nothing more to do with her until she dumps her partner !! I am now being made to look like the nasty daughter, and she is playing the victim. She thinks she can just say whatever she likes to people and they have to take it from her - well I'm done taking her constant criticism and opinions, she needs to learn the consequences of her actions. She created this situation !

OP posts:
wictional · 28/12/2016 12:15

I'd comment on that status saying "oh no, mum! you said you hated it here last xmas; we just didn't want you to be miserable with us again" but I'm the PA queen so

Krampus · 28/12/2016 12:55

You have my sympathy, mine is the same. She's currently not speaking to me because I told her that her recent behaviour to me wasn't acceptable. It's been a blissful Christmas Xmas Smile I may well be the only presin who has ever told her directly.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 28/12/2016 12:58

I think you did very well not caving in on Christmas Eve.

I'm afraid I'm a bit like wictional and won't be able to resist saying on Facebook that she hated it at yours the previous year.

scottishdiem · 28/12/2016 13:03

I am with wictional - those facebook comments needed a firm response....

Well done on standing up to her. So many posts here in the last few days have been about how bad its been to have certain unwelcome family members around at Xmas and how they have put a downer on things. If more people were like you then more people would have a happier Xmas. Furthermore, there would be fewer enablers in the world that put up with rotten behaviour just because the magical word "family" grants some kind of pass. Bad people are bad people regardless of family ties.

Zhabr · 28/12/2016 13:13

I second Peekyboo, definitely have a look. I've read a book about it recently and my mother ticks every single box! There are also case studies and strategies how to deal with it.

CatsGoPurrrr · 28/12/2016 13:14

I can see that you have your reasons for not inviting your mum. The thing is though, that it was for Christmas, not some random day.
And no one will ever forget that you didn't invite your mum. The reasons will seem petty as the years go on. But everyone will remember that you didn't invite her.

What do you anticipate will happen, going forward? Do you expect an apology? What if you don't get one? Will you never have your mum over for Christmas again? What about Easter or birthday parties? Is yes, why are they different?

Why on earth didn't you SPEAK to your mum. Explain what happened last year and how it made you feel and give her a last chance not to do it.

You wanted to make a point. You did. Now you'll have to accept that the family dynamics have changed probably forever.

I think you were wrong.

peekyboo · 28/12/2016 13:24

I realise people will say to speak to your mum and I do get that, but I think also that people with normal family relations don't understand that situations like this have happened after many years of trying and conversations where you explain exactly what is wrong and why and you try to fix things, bend over backwards, keep quiet to keep the peace and basically make yourself ill just trying to avoid conflict.
Decisions like this aren't made lightly and there is sacrifice and personal suffering on the side of the person stepping back from the situation.
It's also very hard to live with the constant threat of anger hanging over you.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 28/12/2016 13:24

I agree that the family dynamics have changed.... but for the right reasons. The status quo was to put up and shut up with abusive behaviour. The OP is to be commended for breaking that cycle.

And the OP DID SPEAK to her mother about it. The DM is refusing to understand that she's done anything wrong.

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 28/12/2016 13:25

It's so hard with family sometimes isn't it? My main problem is one of my sisters, we had a family meal yesterday, she hardly talks to me, never contacts my DM or DF , didn't even wish my mother a happy birthday recently. My DH told me later she was a bit nasty to him which I'm quite angry about, although she would probably say it was a joke. She has " issues" . She buys presents for my DC but doesn't really bother with them the rest of the time, she's so self absorbed. Sorry for hijacking your thread OP but I just feel like going NC with her too, I feel why should she have a relationship with my DC although they hardly see her so wouldnt miss her. She just always makes me feel so angry and uptight. I think you were very brave to put your foot down and not let her ruin your Christmas. Maybe she will change her behaviour or is that wishful thinking? !

Pheebs77 · 28/12/2016 13:45

Wictional has the correct response! Go for it & let us know what happens next!

Sympathies btw, my mum plays me & my siblings off against eachother & she spent an hour sobbing on the phone to me yesterday because she's feeling paranoid no-one likes her Hmm Christ someone shoot me if ever treat my dc like this!

scottishdiem · 28/12/2016 13:53

CatsGoPurrrr

Sometimes it helps not to enable an abuser. Read the Relationships thread for other examples.

scaryteacher · 28/12/2016 16:57

Dh's mum has form in this area; we have been NC for some time now, and I neither know, nor care, where she spent Christmas. You have to live with the dynamic before you can understand it Cats. Some forms of behaviour are not acceptable, especially from your parent.

Good on you OP, keep it up.

pklme · 28/12/2016 17:20

When you get "but I'm your mother!" Try answering "but I'm your daughter! You shouldn't say cruel things to me!"

I've often wondered why my mum is able to be polite and kind to strangers, but thinks it's ok to tell me I have terrible dress sense, look awful in that, want to be fat (I ate a slice of bread) etc...

Aderyn2016 · 28/12/2016 17:49

I have to say, in response to those who think you should have invited her because it is Christmas, that no, you shouldn't.
It is really important that you make your home safe and happy for yourself and your dc, that you build traditions for your own family that don't involve pandering to toxic relatives. When your kids grow up, you want them to associate Christmas with happy memories, not ones where everybody was on eggshells in case grandma went into one
As for being judged by relatives on fb, it is up to you but I would set the record straight on there before deleting and blocking her. It doesn't really matter what other people think of you but if you did care thrn by all means tell them why she wasn't welcome.

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