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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you're on xmas holidays...

47 replies

Za1ny · 27/12/2016 18:49

You should stay home and spend time with your kids?!!!

My dh (dickhead husband) has fucked off to his mums house for a good three fucking hours won't answer his phone or reply to my texts. This is after he promised that these holidays would be about us (me and dd age 3 and dd 7 months) yeah right he has spent a total of half a day with us so far!!!

I'm fuming. Since the birth of my dd2 I've not had been out by myself fuck that I've hardly been out the house as she's a needy baby and dh refuses to look after her. I was looking forward to him being home so I could finally venture out even if it is just to the city centre and clear my mind a bit but no he's decided to piss off every single day

I'm a sahm currently he commutes to work and the days he finishes early guess where he goes? To his fucking mums house for a cuppa tea!!!!!! He doesn't ever think that I've been home all day dealing with both kids let me go home early for once and even in these hols he's not been spending time with us

And as for my fucking mil the one day he did spend time with us at home she was constantly ringing him telling him to go down!!! FFS CANT U LIVE WITHOUT SEEING YOUR PRECIOUS SON FOR FIVE FUCKIN MINUTES????

I'm just pissed off. But aibu? He thinks because it's his holiday he should be able to relax and he obv can't do that at home because he can't be dealing with the kids

OP posts:

Blacksox · 27/12/2016 19:39

MN is full of the crappiest husbands - there should be a competition.

What a shocking example of a grown up relationship for your children.

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/12/2016 19:44

It's hardly drama when someone is being right royally taken for granted and basically a single parent is it . It's awful and it takes the piss and sometimes people need to know it is ok to say it stops right now rather than having (another) cosy chat over a cuppa before making any rash decisions which will lose you nothing

BoboBunnyH0p · 27/12/2016 19:44

Get up get dressed and leave in the morning, telling him as you go he is in charge of our children today. Don't answer your phone and don't feel any guilt we all need time away from our DCs.
He will probably go running to his mummy with them but at least you will get a chance to recharge your batteries.

buttercup54321 · 27/12/2016 19:45

He can take the children with him to see Granny and give you time to yourself.

akittencalledjesus · 27/12/2016 19:47

Start getting paperwork together: copy all important paperwork, both joint and solely yours and solely his and put that somewhere secure (a friend or relative's house, perhaps?). Then early in the new year when he is back at work bundle up the kids and head out to the CAB and similar places to gather advice.

Once you have everything you need you can start divorce proceedings.

I'm sorry you are married to a sperm donor.

I get his reluctance to look after children. However, he should have thought about that before he got you pregnant. Twice. I personally don't want to be tied to a child, and therefore I don't have one. It's simple really, and if he cannot grasp that concept then sadly all he is good for is money to allow you to raise your children adequately.

I would refer to them as 'his' children but he's made it quite clear they are just yours.

Like I said: a sperm donor.

Good luck OP.

Serialweightwatcher · 27/12/2016 19:50

You need to change it all now - when baby bunting finally arrives from his mother's, you need to sit him down and tell him what you expect of him and what you want to do also - don't let him carry on like this, the mummy's boy has now got responsibilities and he needs to be a dad, not a snivelling son!

SheldonCRules · 27/12/2016 19:51

Why have a second if you were unhappy with his parenting?

I'd have no issue with him popping to see his own parents after work, you have all day free whereas he has to work so has to do things round that. Presumably you visit your family?

If you are unhappy then you need to make plans to leave including finding work and a place you can afford.

missyB1 · 27/12/2016 19:59

You should have dropped the kids off to him at his mums - on your way out to meet your mate. Don't allow him to "refuse" to have his kids, dont present it like an option. let him come home when the baby cries, you will be out so it wont affect you.

Original poster

Za1ny · 27/12/2016 19:59

All of this time his excuse to not take dd2 was that she's exclusively breastfed and doesn't take a bottle so he can't but now she's on solids and drinks milk from a cup so fuck knows what his problem is.

He's been gone since 3:45. And just put the key through the door now I feel like going downstairs and telling him to FUCK OFF but I'm upstairs feeding the baby

OP posts:

caringcarer · 27/12/2016 19:59

Does his mother not want to spend time with her DGC? I would ring her and say DH will bring them both over to see her. Then go out and treat yourself to new outfit, get hair done etc. I would not be putting up with this ongoing selfish behaviour.

e1y1 · 27/12/2016 20:00

YANBU - visiting his mother is perfectly understandable, but please say he isn't visiting her every day (I know he is, but it is bonkers).

If he wants to be with his mother all the time, he should not have got married.

He is a married man, with children no less - his responsibilities lie there, not at his mothers.

expatinscotland · 27/12/2016 20:01

I wouldn't tell him then. I'd get dressed, walk out the door and turn my phone off. Too fucking bad.

e1y1 · 27/12/2016 20:02

If it isn't getting through to him, show him this thread to show that no-one thinks it is normal for him to be going to his mothers everyday.

Baylisiana · 27/12/2016 20:03

Ask him when your holiday is. Tell him that you had imagined you would do 50/50 when he was off work, but if he prefers this way you can go with it and are looking forward to doing whatever you want when it is your turn. If he says he can't do it, just tell him to let you know what childcare he has put in place.

expatinscotland · 27/12/2016 20:05

Chatting to arseholes like this never works. Just get dressed one morning, when his back is turned, fucking leave. Turn off your phone.

Brighteyes27 · 27/12/2016 20:05

He sounds a selfish pain. Could you not ask MIL to babysit for you to benefit you both. So you could both have a break from the kids rather than just him or is she as useless as him?

ArcheryAnnie · 27/12/2016 20:12

and dh refuses to look after her

Za1ny what do you get out of your relationship with this man? Because he sounds like a useless wanker, both as a husband and as a father.

EmeraldIsle100 · 27/12/2016 20:22

Get up tomorrow morning and leave the house on your own and turn off you phone as posters said. This is what my sisters did when their husbands behaved exactly like yours when the babies arrived.

Well they did it slightly different, one started throwing every scrap of clothing of his out of the house and told him to fuck off as he was a useless piece of shit and she wasn't standing for it.

His reaction was to completely shit himself and grovel.

My other sister didn't throw out the clothes but went on a spectacular rant and told him she had rung her solicitor for legal advice and then spelled out how screwed he would be when they divorced. She refused to engage with him at all and told him she was getting him thrown out of the house.

He also shit himself and grovelled.

They have all been together for over 28 years since and my BILs are in no doubt that they are responsible for half the parenting.

Go completely stellar with rage, being nice with get you nowhere.

Original poster

Za1ny · 27/12/2016 20:35

he is useless, both as a husband and father. I'm just a fucking wimp if i just get dressed and go out all I will be thinking of is the baby, is she ok, is she crying does she need a feed has he put her to sleep. and I won't be able to switch off but fuck that I definitely need to get out as you all say. No more push over, what the fuck they are his kids too why should I even have to think twice before leaving them with him??!!

My fuckin problem is that I don't drive, I packed in my job (I wasn't thinking straight and it's the biggest mistake ever) and I don't have family support so he knows my weaknesses.

As for MIL she loves dd1 but for some reason never mentions dd2, never wants her around and never asks him to bring her.

Yeah I need to stop being a wimp because I've put up with this shit for too long

OP posts:

EmeraldIsle100 · 27/12/2016 20:45

He is her father and if you are not there in the morning he will learn quickly. He already knows what to do he is just pretending he doesn't so that he doesn't have to do it. He should be more than capable of feeding a 3 month old baby.

You have put up with this shit for too long. You can learn to drive and look for work when you are good and ready.

Get up in the morning, go for a walk and a nice lunch and then come home and tell him this is not continuing.

WinterIsHereJon · 27/12/2016 20:52

Are you sure that's actually where he is? Seems odd to me.

Harree · 27/12/2016 21:11

don't cry, you can sit him down & tell him how useless he is or leave. I did this with my DH & miraculously he changed! Communication is the key here... if he understands how & why you feel the way you do, but doesn't change, you're better off without. & if he changes, everyone's a winner! Hope things get better for you OP.

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