When does the line between kindness and mug start?

[Soubriquet]

2nd year running that my sister hasn't bought my DC anything for Christmas. I have bought her children.

Last year the excuse was she had a new baby (was born on the 4th) and her work was messing her about with her maternity pay and there was a problem with her tax credits.

I had no problem with this...except instead of coming to me and saying she was broke, she avoided me for 3 months and left it to my mum to tell me. I didn't get a thank you for the gifts I gave her children either.

This year she's gone silent again. No messages of thank you, no contact to me and will probably avoid me again until birthday season.

Her excuse this year will be that her partner was out of a job for a week and she is saving up for her wedding next year. She already has several thousands saved. Something she has been very happy to tell me over the last few months.

I suspected she was going to do this again this year, so I halved the budget I was going to spend on her children.

Dh wants me to not buy anything next year, but I just can't do it..it's not her children's fault she is like this.

She has two children. A 5 year old girl and a just turned 1 boy.

I have a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old boy.

WWYD?

I think next year I will do a selection box each.

Therefore I'm not spending a huge amount of money but I'm still buying for them.

It's her choice to do what she wants. But you watch, she will be around me like fly on shit in a few months.

I'm supposed to be her maid of honour and dd is supposed to be a bridesmaid with ds being a page boy.

She won't want her wedding ruined so she will want to play nice in about 3-4 months. (September wedding)

This is why I just can't stand all this gift giving at Xmas. You shouldn't buy her children a gift just to get one back you buy them something if you want them to have something from you. Why not just accept she doesn't want to get your kids anything and go from there. I would much sooner her come to visit me or spend a day together than get gifts, perhaps she feels she won't be welcomed if she has no gift for you or your kids. Maybe the whole world needs to stop buying stuff and just do stuff for each other, it's so easy to spend money, much harder to spend time. (I don't like my parents so I very easily spend money on them to kept them quiet but wouldn't waste my time on them. Iyswim)

I do get your point doglady and to some extent I do agree

But I would get an earful of moaning if I didn't buy them anything.

Mainly from my mum and nan. My sister had the first grandchild and she has been spoiled from a young age.

You said she has four children in your post then change it to two???

No. I said she had a 5 year old dd and a one year old boy

I have two children of my own

Sorry if that wasn't clear

That all sounds painful. As I read your post, the present stuff bothered me less but the other stuff about not inviting you, avoiding you rather than just chatting it out sounds really off to me. There is some of that sort of shenanigans in my own family and my husband's family at times and it just feels petty and unkind. I would struggle to be someone's bridesmaid if they were like that to me but it is different when they are your sister (believe me, I know!). So, er, to summarise, I don't feel like there's an easy solution but it sounds like your sister has some cow tendencies so look after yourself as you navigate that minefield!!

I sympathise. DHs sister doesn't send anything for our children or acknowledges when we send gifts to her 2 children. I have given up as of this year and its most cathartic. My nephews are 14 and 16 and have had a birthday and christmas present every year. I have decided to just send a small birthday gift until they are 18 and thats it. My sons birthday is the day after one of the nephews and he still gets 'forgotten'. Arseholes. Dh wont ever send anything by himself so thats that.

"I would get an earful of moaning if I didn't buy them anything. Mainly from my mum and nan."

Then your mum and your nan are a problem. Possibly THE problem, with your sister's behaviour just a symptom. They don't invite you to things that they should, and they hold you and your sister to different standards (I'm presuming they don't moan at her for not buying for your children).

I would suggest that should they moan, you either bat it right back to them (Is this what you say to my sister when she repeatedly doesn't buy for my DC? Well, I'll ignore you the way she does then.) or you play the I'm-being-nice-in-the-bigger-picture tack of 'I don't want my sister to feel under obligation, she's clearly VERY uncomfortable with my buying for hers when she can't respond in kind, she's so ashamed she avoids me for months, I just won't do that to her again. If I don't buy for her children then she won't feel ashamed and avoid me, surely that's much better all round?'

But that only helps for this small point. THe larger problem is your mum and your nan's behaviour. They're playing favourites between you and your sister, and between her children and yours. They might be too young to notice it now, but they will in time .

"But you watch, she will be around me like fly on shit in a few months."
And therefore unable to avoid your careful and very very persistent questioning of her behaviour. You will hold the whip hand. I suggest you use it.

Maybe just send the kids a personalised Christmas card from moon pig next year. They will be chuffed to have their name on the front - and with yours inside.

Its a special thought for a special day. .