inlaws making my life hell. oh joining in

[ffsdoingmybest]

Always had an issue with mil. She is a spoilt only child who has pushed all her shit onto my oh all his life and is a master of manipulation. My oh has one younger brother who has got away scott free.

My bil is now married and his wife is just like my mil - spoilt and vile. Both my mil and sil gang up on me and have ruined precious moments for me and my oh. - ruined our wedding planning, ruined our pregnancy by being bitches over it (i got pregnant 2 months prior to sil and my mil wanted her to have the 1st child, sil felt the same and ignored our pregnancy!).

My oh and i do nothing but argue over his mother and our sil behaviour. They are very sneaky and because its always 2 against 1 it always looks like i am the badguy despite it being plainly obvious by what they are doing that it is them.

My oh keeps threatening to leave me (i am pregnant!) because i cant get on with them. I have tried and tried but even mother theresa wouldnt stand a chance. The bottom line is that his mother hates that she is no longer his world and cant dump her shit on him anymore, owing to me and his child being around (a gc who she makes no effort with compared to his sil child - with the exception of big events like xmas where she rolls in and expects to be treated like a visiting queen)

Im sick of arguing with my oh. He does understand that its them but he is very frustrated and angry that his relationship with his mother has turned sour as he has noone else except his brother who he has never been close to (her fucking fault for being a mind-fucked bitch that constantly bats them off against each other and has favourites tbf)

Really dont know what to do. If i leave then part of me thinks they will hold a celebration and welcome my oh with open arms blaming me for everything as its an easy option. The reality though is that I have told my oh that if he threatens to leave me again i will pack his bags for him because nothing will change - his mum will always be a bitch and so will sil, regardless of who he is with.

I deserve a husband who puts me and our children first and who can see the warped nasty behaviour of mil and sil for what it is.

How can i make this situation better? I dont want my inlaws to drive an even deeper wedge between oh and i but they are doing a very good job!!!! I feel helpless

Nothing will change until your DH cares more for your feelings tha his mother's. He may have to see that he will lose you if he carries on having no backbone. He is probably terrified of her.

A good question here, OP, is also how much you care about your husband's feelings.

Why are you still with this man? He threatens to leave you because of his mother and SIL? Fine, tell him you'll pack his bags for him and he can go back to mummy.

I don't understand why they have so much impact on your life. You need to downgrade your part in it.

My MIL is a tricky one, barbed comments, manipulative, so so with the children but obsessed with my DH. Finally working out that I could never please her and I have tried. I disengaged. I do not respond to the summons to go over there. I have not been over there since summer. You have a child and are pregnant there are a zillion excuses you can use. I have asked (told) her that her just turning up is unacceptable, could she ring or text first as we are out a lit and do not like unexpected visitors. This didn't go down too well at first but has settled down.

I can manage her for coffee, lunch. In which I can busy myself. I am friendöy but slightly aloof. Any comments I deal with a the time. And I do not need to seethe and blow them out of proportion. She seems to respect me more if that's the word because I no longer let her get to me. You have to do the same. Step back, if you are not living with them stop giving them headroom. Make it your new years resolution

Or the husband has a wife problem?

I thought the same. Unclear what these people are actually meant to have done that is so awful.

KC's comment is spot on op.

She is a spoilt only child who has pushed all her shit onto my oh all his life and is a master of manipulation. My oh has one younger brother who has got away scott free.

OP, how much of your resentment is explained by this sentence you've written? (a)That despite being treated badly his whole life, your DH is still desperate to have a relationship with his mother and to keep her happy and (b) that the brother never had any of the shit put on him, and his wife is basking in approval too?

Any chance that MiL picks on you precisely because you're the wife of the son she always picks on?

Do follow the advice to distance yourself, but do it coolly and pleasantly and without ranting to either MiL or DH. It may take you several weeks, months years to accept that by doing it that way you've won, but you'll realise it in the end

Thank you all.

Thedevilmademe... you are spot on. I am incensed at the fact that my oh puts up with it all and is desperate for her approval despite how awful she is to him. It makes my blood boil that my bil and sil are golden ones despite doing nothing for her. My oh is adamant that they are 'favourites' because mil hates me...and therefor it is my fault.....bollocks.

My mil knows i am strong and she hates that i have always encouraged my oh to lead his own life and not be walked on by anyone - her included. His confidence has grown and he has stuck up for himself with her....but all thats happened is that she is even worse with him than before because he has the audacity to call her out on her horrible behaviour.

Ive been asked for examples but cant give them as they will give me away if my sil or mil are on here. Suffice to say, they have done malicious and vile things to me over the years and yo my oh.