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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd?

28 replies

4men1lady · 26/12/2016 18:21

Ok..so not to drip feed I will put as much down as I can..

I have 4 dc, eldest isn't dh but treats them all equally. Eldest dc has regular contact with his ddad and dsm.

Dh has 2 dbro..one of which has a child that also isn't his but 2 are his own. Me and dh treat them all As nieces and nephews regardless of biology.

For the second year running now, this dbro and his oh have only put auntie and uncle On cards and gift tags to their biological nieces and nephews (mine and dh children together). And my eldest, just signed them with first names.

Now..I'm not sure if I should be rattled by this but it really bothers me. We aren't stupid and we know my eldest didn't dh but to refer to him as being different to my other children really bothers me.

For context, my eldest is really close to said dbil, more so than my other children, so I just can't get my head around why they would refer to themselves differently than to my other children.

Fwiw, I ended up taking the gift tags off all my dc presents to save eldests feelings.

Dh says he will speak to his brother if i want him to, but also says we should just let it go and be the bigger person..but surely this isn't always the case when you can potentially hurt a child's feelings.

I only have dh to speak to about this so would like impartial views.

For the record, his other sibling all put the same on gift tags and cards regardless of biology.

OP posts:
Nicpem1982 · 26/12/2016 18:25

I would speak to them, my parents put "love from nan and grandad" on all nieces and nephews money wallets and put 20.00 in them except one my oldest niece who got "from name and name" and 5.00 in hers no biological difference just she'd had a petty teenage argument about hair dye with them the week before Xmas- it really hurt her feelings that she would be singled out like that they've never sent her a bday card since either x

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 26/12/2016 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheesesofNazareth12 · 26/12/2016 18:27

Wow nicepem I think that's even worse! Xmas Shock

Original poster
4men1lady · 26/12/2016 18:28

I really want dh to speak to them but don't want to seem like I'm forcing them to do something that obviously doesn't feel natural to them.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 26/12/2016 18:28

I'd talk to them, I doubt they are doing it out of malice.

It may be that when you were first together, the appropriate address would have been to use names only and it has just stuck?

It would bother me too.

Original poster
4men1lady · 26/12/2016 18:29

Hec..this is my point exactly. I'd never dream of putting anything different. But I don't seem to get treated with the same respect as I treat others.

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 26/12/2016 18:30

Is there a big age gap between your eldest and the younger ones? Could it be something simple like they don't refer to themselves as uncle and auntie blah when talking to your eldest, and that your child in turn calls them by their first names and not as auntie and uncle blah when talking? Neither dh or I put auntie or uncle on cards to our eldest nephews and nieces.

Original poster
4men1lady · 26/12/2016 18:31

Fwiw this is the third time it's happened this Xmas. The other two off my own relatives. Sending cards to me and dh with only our children's names on and a separate one for eldest dh..now my rational side tells me they must of thought he'd enjoy getting his own card but it feels odd to me to not see him included with the rest of the family names on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
4men1lady · 26/12/2016 18:32

Bring..dh says this but we don't refer to them as auntie and uncle when speaking to them.

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 26/12/2016 18:32

Could it be as the dc grows older they are trying to be ' cooler' and just write names? If gifts are thoughtful and same value? Our eldest nephew dropped the ' aunt and uncle' titles although his parents still call us that in front of him. He sees it as being more grown up..and we don't mind.

Nicpem1982 · 26/12/2016 18:33

Have you spoken to your eldest and asked how he feels

Cheese - my folks are a piece of work I've not spoken to them for years lol

Bluebolt · 26/12/2016 18:34

I would speak I have one set of nieces who I would write from Aunt and feel like an aunt but another niece who does not see us as her family but her step dads family and that she has her own dads family. I write the cards differently but feel equally close to all.

Original poster
4men1lady · 26/12/2016 18:40

Nic- no I've not spoken to eldest child. I'd already taken them off. They would
Probably say they weren't bothered..but I get the feeling that things run a bit deeper for him..! He's quite sensitive.

OP posts:
Sixweekstowait · 26/12/2016 18:41

We don't use aunt and uncle in our family - just first names. Hadn't thought about it before but it would prevent that particular problem

Original poster
4men1lady · 26/12/2016 18:46

Think this is the straw that broke the camels back for me in a long line of people/relatives taking this piss. Think it's about time I spoke out..Xmas Wink

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 26/12/2016 18:46

I would ask DH to say something. It may be that they weren't sure if it was ok or not and both sides are worrying about what the others feel but no one is saying anything.

From what you say about DBil's relationship with DS, I think he would be thrilled to get that title.

caroldecker · 26/12/2016 18:48

Maybe your eldest has said something to them if he is close?

Nicpem1982 · 26/12/2016 18:51

Middle that's a good point

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 18:51

If this is the only way they treat your eldest differently, I'd bet money that it's not done from malice. People have different ideas about appropriate names - some call family friends aunt and uncle, some think it should just be actual aunt and uncle, etc etc

Just mention to them that you know they mean nothing by it but it made your eldest feel a bit sad and would they mind signing it the same next year. Job done.

leaveittothediva · 26/12/2016 18:54

Nicpem1982
God bless her, the poor little mare, getting a fiver for Christmas from the grinches, (grandparents), especially because its over some bloody hair dye. How very sad. I've experienced bad grandparents, (my teens didn't even get a fiver, they got fuck all), Christmas spirit my arse.

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/12/2016 18:57

I would ask them why. Maybe they don't feel comfortable writing aunty and uncle but would love too if they knew it was ok?

Nicpem1982 · 26/12/2016 18:59

Leave - my nieces and nephews pooled their Xmas money from the grinches together (85.00 total) and split it evenly between them (17.00 each) then she spent that on hair dye and sent them a what's app message of her new 'do with a thanks for the Xmas money grinches

LadyVampire · 26/12/2016 19:00

Maybe they are worried about being inappropriate OP? Have you expalined they can be called aunt and uncle?

Pumpkintopf · 26/12/2016 19:02

Just explain that you'd prefer they addressed all your dc equally. I'm sure you can do it in a nice, non confrontational way.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 26/12/2016 19:54

They may be doing it completely innocently in a clumsy attempt not to offend anyone.

My dsd's mother would absolutely hit the roof if anyone from my family to her signed anything as 'uncle, auntie' etc.

This behaviour is also encouraged by my DH. For example, on mil's birthday he will buy her a card and sign it from himself, snoopy and our dd and will then buy a seperate card for my dsd to sign. I've tried to point out how ridiculous this is, that dd and dsd are sisters and surely they can sign a card to their grandma together but apparently it's what my mil expects and wants Hmm

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