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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or Does DH not know me at all?

52 replies

WottyMcWottFace · 26/12/2016 15:00

Not really sure if its an AIBU but not sure where else to post.

DH and I normally just do little gifts at Christmas and focus on the children but this year as I turn 30 the day after boxing day he decided to get me a big surprise as a joint gift, he's been telling me how much i'll like this and i'll never guess what it is. Anyway Xmas eve comes and he cant contain his excitement so runs in with a big box shouting surprise!! he got one thing right, I was definitely surprised when I opened the box to find a laptop. Don't get me wrong its a very nice red one but its still a laptop just a newer one than I already have that still works perfectly well. I feel awful as my face must have said it all and although I smiled and said how lovely it was I couldn't hide my dismay. I feel really ungrateful but its not so much the gift itself its the realisation that he really doesn't know me at all. a bunch of flowers or a card made by our kids would have been plenty and really greatly received. I'm not sure if I'm just over sensitive as I near my 30s or if he really believes that a laptop is something classed as a memorable milestone gift??

OP posts:
Happymac1 · 26/12/2016 16:00

I don't think people have noticed the joint present aspect He bought it for himself, especially if you already have one....

BillSykesDog · 26/12/2016 16:03

I get what you mean totally OP. It just makes you feel like they haven't put any thought into it and have just grabbed something rather than putting any actual thought or effort into it. It is hurtful. It makes you feel like they're just doing it because it's expected of them rather than because they actually value you and want to make you feel nice and show they care. It's horrible to receive a gift which really shows how little care they have put into buying it or thinking about it. It actually shows how little they value you rather than how much.

OohhThatsMe · 26/12/2016 16:06

Happymac, it was a joint birthday and Christmas present for the OP, not a joint present for her husband and her.

awayinamazda · 26/12/2016 16:08

Erm, i don't suppose he needs a new laptop does he? My ex seemed incapable of distinguishing between what he wanted and what I might like - often bought things i didn't need, but that he happened to want....
Apologies if he's not like that - just thought I'd check!

Happymac1 · 26/12/2016 16:10

That's what I meant OohhThatsMe, it is so bad that it is supposed to be both her presents; totally think he bought it for himself

Mrsmadevans · 26/12/2016 16:13

I see this was a joint present , he thinks it is a memorable present bc he like it . imho he wanted a new laptop and has now got one .....you have been done op !

Reality16 · 26/12/2016 16:13

I don't think people have noticed the joint present aspect He bought it for himself, especially if you already have one.... it's not that I didn't notice it, I just didn't think it was for him. Why would it be? If my DH upgraded my laptop I would think assume it was for his own benefit as it would be mine, so he wouldn't be using it. Just as you assume the OH did it with themselves in mind, I assumed he probably had his own

Reality16 · 26/12/2016 16:14

*i would not think

Cherryskypie · 26/12/2016 16:17

I don't think it's at all ungrateful to feel sad and disappointed. Unless he got it so he could use it he was at least trying to get you something nice though.

I understand the being upset. For one birthday I knew the only presents I would be getting would be from my mother and sisters. They posted a box full of lots of small wrapped gifts. I was really looking forward to opening them. When I did I ended up crying. It was like they'd shopped for some other person. I felt even lonelier. I didn't let them know I was upset but I realised that they have no idea who I am.

I'd thank him for making the effort but ask if you could return it and use the money for a trip away somewhere instead.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 26/12/2016 16:18

My then fiance bought me for my 30th birthday: a bunch of flowers. That was it. And it was a day late. Oh, he also took me for lunch. The same place we always went on the weekend.

I correctly read into that the fact that he didn't give a shit about me any more. (There was a necklace to match my ring that I had been hoping for and that would have been an obvious gift, plus he was loaded so that wasn't the reason I didn't get it).

A laptop is a bit misjudged but not that bad in the scheme of things.

I think with me you have to BE SPECIFIC and tell them exactly what you want. Send them the link to your amazon wish list or whatever. They just get overwhelmed. I know my mother inside out and still get her gifts wrong sometimes!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 26/12/2016 16:19

*with men, not with me.

Although yes, be specific with me too!

happychristmasbum · 26/12/2016 16:20

I thought exactly what mazda said.......

mscongeniality · 26/12/2016 16:22

YANBU.

I don't consider a laptop gift worthy because its something essential that I need and my DH knows this. If he got me one over something I had mentioned like bag/makeup etc I would be sad too.

Why don't you just tell him? I totally would tell him to his face why did you get me this? He's your husband you should be able to tell him anything?

P1nkP0ppy · 26/12/2016 16:31

At least you got a bloody present 😡
My birthday's very close to Christmas and I got.........nothing for either 😳

S1lentAllTheseYears · 26/12/2016 16:45

I get it OP. I have cried (in secret) before now when people (not DH) have bought me jewelry because I don't wear it and they've never seen me wearing it so why would they think I want it? It's like they've bought me something they would like, or think I ought to like, rather than what I would actually like (which would be books, DVD's, eBay vouchers, cinema/theatre tickets, lots of ideas to pick from)

I would have been delighted with a laptop (also rather surprised if it wasn't something I'd mentioned needing as DH is the least techy bloke on the planet and would never think of a laptop as a present!)

I feel bad for both of you as it does sound as if he really did think you'd love it. I think you do need a chat about it. It may be that gift giving isn't a particular talent of his - I know I struggle with it and much prefer a nice list so I don't get it wrong.

BlueClearSkies · 26/12/2016 16:52

I told my Dh a few years ago, when he told me that he nearly bought me a iPad for my Birthday, that technology was never going to be a good idea for a present. I don't care about laptops and pods/pads. He is nuts about technology, so I just have his castoffs.

He does spend a lot of time telling me about all the time and effort he has put into my presents, though I have never had a present that has wowed me. After getting a necklace for Birthday and Christmas for 4 years in a row, I explained that I have lots of necklaces and the reason he never sees me wearing them is that I do not like wearing them. Next Birthday I got another necklace, which I took back.

Now I tell him if I do not like something and just change it for something I do like.

Tell him and change it for something you would want.

previously1474907171 · 26/12/2016 16:55

I would have loved a laptop, and have been promised one as soon as I make up my mind which one I want.They don't last forever and mine gets a lot of use.

If you are the type of person that likes jewellery then I can understand your disapointment but in the past I have given back a gold watch because it was too blingy and I wouldn't ever wear it, a laptop or phone, or some kind of DIY tool would be ideal for me. A bunch of flowers, no, because they look much better growing than cut. I suspect you wouldn't have been happy with just a bunch of flowers and a hand made card either, you would have felt he couldn't be bothered.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 17:00

"A rose, father, just bring me a rose"

Do you think your husband might end up commandeering the pc, OP?

However you have this conversation with him, don't frame it that you'd rather have had just a card of flowers, because that would seem a bit thankless.

haveacupoftea · 26/12/2016 17:00

Oh FFS listen to some of yourselves. Its a present, not some kind of window into your soul. Grow up.

Yellowbird54321 · 26/12/2016 17:03

I get where you're coming from OP - when I was married my husband once gave me a long sleeved brown checked top, it was so so not me I was aghast! It made me realise he didn't see me at all iyswim, that realisation was fundamentally the reason he's now my ex husband. I know your situation is a bit different but I think the way you're feeling is much the same so I get it - and I imagine you'll always feel a bit resentful or sad every time you look at that bloody laptop!

OohhThatsMe · 26/12/2016 17:03

What's the purpose of a present, in your view, haveacupoftea?

mscongeniality · 26/12/2016 17:09

Everyone has their own level of expectation from their relationship! It's not wrong for the OP to expect her husband to know her likes and dislikes at ALL.

Patriciathestripper1 · 26/12/2016 17:13

I'd be well pleased with a laptop!! I got a Halfords spade, torch, foil blanket and fluorescent jacket kit for my car just in case I get stuck in the snow Hmm

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2016 18:18

I totally get you, OP. I need a computer for work, I would not expect it as a main Christmas/birthday present. As you mentioned other things you'd like, he should have paid attention.

PNGirl · 26/12/2016 18:35

We replace our own tech as and when we need to from normal everyday income. Laptops last about 3 years of heavy daily use then need replacing in my experience.

Even if you were one of those people who hangs onto a laptop for 10 years that now takes 20 minutes to boot up and stores approx 5 word docs, insisting "It still works" I'd expect a suggestion one week that you go and get one together rather than a birthday-Christmas combo.

If it's red, is it HP and from Currys? If so that is their sale loss-leader and the thought process was probably "Ooh, that's a good deal, wife needs a present, 2 birds one stone". Not great.

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