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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'fuck off then'

49 replies

Mehfruittea · 26/12/2016 10:44

My mum is saying she is going home now. She lives 2 hrs away and said she would be here until tomorrow lunchtime.

I have food in for her, she really likes to eat, and my son is expecting her to stay. There is lots of food for 3 more meals. She eats twice what I do, I don't mind and am happy to cater. If she's here to eat it. DS enjoys playing with her, is 5, and won't really understand why she is going. She arrived yesterday lunchtime, so that we had Christmas morning as just us (DS, DH and me). First year it's ever been just us 3 and it was nice.

Last year she arrived on xmas eve in the evening and drove back on Christmas Day, in a storm. It ruined Christmas Day for us as she got up and then took dog for a walk, proper hour long walk, when DS had already waited for her before opening presents. He was then waiting for her to get back from walk, but we didn't know where she had gone or how long she would be. At 4 yrs old, he did really well not to have a complete tantrum over it. I silently lost my shit with her so when she announced she was going home, at 11am on Christmas Day, I helped her pack.

Now she is saying she is going after she's walked the dog at 11am. She is on her own and my brother won't have anything to do with her. I don't like to think of her on her own at Christmas, but ffs, she's so miserable and doesn't want to be here. Clearly. DH says I should have it out with her so we know why she doesn't ever want to stay? She always invites herself every year. I just want to let her leave. AIBU?

OP posts:
roseshippy · 26/12/2016 11:21

we had a nice (relatively) stress-free Christmas without any relatives.

notrocketscience · 26/12/2016 11:22

Agree with other posters. While she's walking the dog, pack up a box of food and cheerfully help her pack. Give her a hug and a smile and let her go. She prefers her own company, just accept that and enjoy the relief when she goes!

Muppetslikecoco · 26/12/2016 11:23

That's incredibly rude of her! At first I thought just let her go. But the fact she's going to stay now because she has wifi?!

YouTheCat · 26/12/2016 11:25

You want her to leave. She's said she's leaving. I don't see the problem. Just let her get on with it.

P1nkP0ppy · 26/12/2016 11:26

Stuff that, if she wants to be antisocial let her go home.
I think that's incredibly rude!

pipsqueak25 · 26/12/2016 11:28

that is so rude to stay for the wifi only, could your system have a 'glitch' whilst she is out ? then you will find out the real truth, personally i'd pack some food and let her go.

bigTillyMint · 26/12/2016 11:30

Maybe playing games on her laptop is her way of "escaping" - perhaps she finds the social interactions overwhelming if she is used to being on her own. It does seem rude for an adult to seemingly prefer to be on their laptop than interacting with family, but this has probably become her usual way of relaxing and in a stressful situation (for her) she is resorting to calming activities?

diddl · 26/12/2016 11:39

That's rude imo.

"I don't like to think of her on her own at Christmas, "

Well she wouldn't have been-she had Christmas Day with you & for some that's all that matters.

If she's now going to spend all her time playing about with her phone though, she might as well go home!

Original poster
Mehfruittea · 26/12/2016 11:43

It been 10 yrs since DSD died and she has stayed with me most xmases since then. We've tried going to her but it's such hard work. She doesn't decorate and I ended up cooking xmas dinner last time. She had bought a bag of frozen chicken breasts, some frozen veg and gravy. I went out on xmas eve to the only supermarket open, with a 6 week old baby, and bought the lot. Then cooked it. We don't want DS to be underwhelmed or disappointed while he still believes in santa. We want xmas to be special and don't think the magic will be there at her house. Loads of complex reasons why she is like this, I know it's sad that she can't seem to enjoy anything.

Will have to think hard about next year because she is already asking. MIL And FIL may be abroad next year and we normally have dinner with them (including DM) every year.

OP posts:
Serana · 26/12/2016 11:44

I love the idea of pklme's bomb proof kidsGrin Wish i'd done that when mine were little. If I ever become a dgm i'm going to suggest thatSmile

StarBurger · 26/12/2016 11:44

Does she online game or something? Maybe she doesn't have many offline friends and has more online? Hence the reason she requires the internet. Some people have more of a life on the internet than in real life... No idea just throwing it out there...

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2016 11:46

"my brother won't have anything to do with her"
Not surprising really Sad. Leaving because of the wifi is sad, and staying because you fixed it so she can sit on her laptop and ignore you - well, really, what's the point?

I think I'd have to have a discussion with her as to why she bothers coming when she clearly doesn't want to interact with you. Not now, maybe in a month or so. Does she do it because it's expected of her (by who)? Or to pretend to her friends/neighbours that she's a really devoted grandmother? Or that her daughter is willing to have something to do with her so it's her son that's in the wrong rather than her? And once you've found out where she's coming from, decide what you're prepared to expose your son to. {sad}

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2016 11:50

Cross-post.

"Loads of complex reasons why she is like this, I know it's sad that she can't seem to enjoy anything."

That's all very well, if you accept that she's not going to enjoy being with you and your family, regardless - but you have the right to decide how much impact you will allow her to have on you and yours. She does not have the right to drag you all down.

HiHoHeidi · 26/12/2016 11:55

Just thank her for coming and wave her off. You can pack some food to take with her if you are worried she won't eat.

It is disappointing and hurtful but you have to change your reactions as she won't change. Writing from a lifetime of experience of a disfunctional family.

Sadik · 26/12/2016 12:04

I think you really do have to accept it is her and not you. If it helps, I love both my family and my friends very much, but I really, really struggle with more than a few hours in company socialising.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 12:05

I know its hard but stop waiting for her to be the mum you want.
She isn't going to be that person.
You either have to accept that she is rude and self absorbed and live with it or accept she is rude and self absorbed and refuse to put up with it.

Not putting up with it will mean not having her to stay because she won't change.

If she thinks ignoring you all to play on her phone and keeping a little boy waiting on Christmas morning is acceptable I don't think you can make her see it isn't.

Original poster
Mehfruittea · 26/12/2016 12:19

Thanks MNetters, you are right. where I will defo do this. I can't keep going through this every year and soon DS will start to notice. He loves playing with her and has a good, but long distance, relationship. I want that to continue and have invested a lot of time in showing her how to play with him and building the relationship from this side (telling DS nice things about her, showing pictures all the time and reminding him of presents she (me) got him that he loves etc). If DS is enjoying her stay, that's enough. Just wish she would/could be happy.

OP posts:
mscongeniality · 26/12/2016 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabsAlot · 26/12/2016 12:30

does she have anxiety? som po0ele cant cope with socialising an away from their own home

i dont decorate its not the end of the world-i wouldn t force her to stay she'll just resent that

Serialweightwatcher · 26/12/2016 12:38

You should have let her go, sat down with your DH and DS and watched a ton of rubbish on tv and got on with it ... don't try too hard with people - if they don't try, let them do their own thing

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 26/12/2016 12:46

Don't put up with it for the sake of DS. He may love playing with her, but that's only because YOU'VE made it that way for him. He's only 5, if it's a long distance relationship he'll soon forget - he probably won't even realise.

That your brother doesn't have anything to do with her is not your fault - has she been like this with him too? And it isn't your duty to pick up the slack. If she chooses not to do Christmas herself, and when she's at yours she basically acts like you're not there, it's quite OK to say no to next year and focus on you, DH and DS.

lovelearning · 26/12/2016 12:47

doesn't want to be here

That's the bottom line.

OP: You are not being unreasonable.

Let her go.

Krampus · 26/12/2016 12:57

I would be waving her off and in the future accept her trips will be short.

She may genuinely find visiting to much or she's attention seeking. Are you supposed to worry about her walks because you don't know where she is and beg for her to stay? Either way there's ot much else you can do.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 26/12/2016 14:38

She sounds rude, childish and generally an ungrateful pain in the arse. If I was you i'd have been delighted she was leaving!

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