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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just want someone to talk to

13 replies

givenuphope54321 · 26/12/2016 00:33

I'm writing this here as I don't feel I can speak to anyone in real life.

2016 has been a tough year. I lost someone I was close to. I visited them often, cared for them and watched them die. It has been hard but I've soldiered on. I have a DD who's 3 and a husband who doesn't understand grief or stress and anxiety - both of which I feel have hit me hard this year. I'm lying here in tears because my husband has just been screaming at me that I'm a little bitch because he's off out on boxing night and I've asked him not to have a hangover the next day. This is my life these days. I feel sick thinking that I'm being verbally abused by him.
I have a good job and a lovely DD but honestly when my husband speaks to me like this I have a hard time not wanting to just disappear and never be seen again.

OP posts:

SantasJockstrap · 26/12/2016 00:38

It does sound like you have had an awful year

Anxiety is an awful thing to live with, because it doesn't just affect YOU, it affects those you love, your relationships and your mood - and those closet you realise this and feel powerless to do much about it

You do not deserve to be verbally abused or called names you need understanding, however note that your situation is also causing stress and anxiety for your husband.

It is extremely difficult living with someone who suffers with anxiety.

You don't say, but why don't you want him to have a hangover? Is there a legit reason or could HE be seeing that request as a spoil of his fun - the fun he desperately needs to let his hair down and get away from the stress of home life for one night?

You both need to let off steam and have more empathy for how each other is coping

He needs to never call you a bitch again, does he often scream and shout at you??

pollyglot · 26/12/2016 00:39

I couldn't just read and run...I'm really sorry to hear that things are so bad. Is this the norm, or is it the horrible Christmas stresses that are contributing? Is leaving him a possibility? You seem to have everything you need to make a life for yourself, and really don't need to have your confidence undermined in this way. Keep strong - thinking of you!

LoupGarou · 26/12/2016 00:40

for having and having had such a tough time. You don't deserve to be treated like that, nobody does. I sometimes think that when people say being a parent is the hardest job in the world that's what they mean - keeping going through your own battles and turmoil in order to be there for your children. I've been in the black hole of wanting to disappear (mine was PTSD induced) and it is a very bleak place to be.
I'm sorry I don't have more helpful things to say, hopefully by the time I've typed this someone else will be along with wiser words x

Original poster

givenuphope54321 · 26/12/2016 00:44

I can't tell anyone how much I struggle. The constant worry, stress and anxiety of various things just sits heavy on my chest.

The death earlier this year I've just had to be ok with. My husband doesn't really understand grief. Perhaps a mix of never having experienced it and his personality.

I don't want him hungover because he has another night planned and he'll be hungover after that too.

Plus when he's hungover he can be a pain in the arse

OP posts:

Joz157 · 26/12/2016 00:46

My hubby doesn't understand anxiety, depression or any illness he can't see, although he started to get better. There may be legit reasons why you don't want him to have a hangover, you don't actually say and yes he may be cross at you for asking, but that's still no reason for calling you names. Is this something that goes on a lot. You could try being very calm when he shouts the crying might irritate him more.

Original poster

givenuphope54321 · 26/12/2016 00:52

Hi joz I actually tend not to cry

OP posts:

Original poster

givenuphope54321 · 26/12/2016 00:53

Sorry posted too
Soon.

I tend not to cry in front of him.

My confidence is shot

OP posts:

FarAwayHills · 26/12/2016 00:54

I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. There are two issues here your grief and your relationship with your DH. You need time and help to recover from your loss and you deserve better than to be called a little bitch by your DH. If Have you had any grief counselling? Perhaps this would help with the grieving process and when you feel emotionally stronger you will be better able to deal with the issues in your relationship.

pregnantat50 · 26/12/2016 00:57

have you had any bereavement counselling, it may help. I know this is a cliche but time really is the best healer. Christmas is hard when you are missing a special person from your life, my father died at christmas in 2007 and it still leaves an empty space but its slowly filling with happy memories of him.

You sound like a giving person and you cared for this person to the end of their life, now is your turn to be looked after.

I wish you a better 2017 xx

Original poster

givenuphope54321 · 26/12/2016 01:02

I feel that I get the blame for everything that goes or has gone wrong.

Has anyone ever felt at the brink of just walking out and never being seen again?

OP posts:

kerryob · 26/12/2016 01:03

Please seek bereavement counselling x if you have health care at work they may be able to help or speak to your GP. Farawayhills is absolutely right work on your grief to get the strength to work on your relationship as no one should be treated that way.

There is no right way to grieve, you don't need to just soldier on get support and talk to someone. If you DH has a hangover leave him to and don't do anything for him

Sn0tnose · 26/12/2016 01:07

It doesn't matter whether he has experience of losing a loved one or not; it's just a case of being kind. And there is never an excuse to call someone you're supposed to love really nasty names.

You matter. You matter to yourself, to your DD and probably to an awful lot of other people. You deserve to be treated with more kindness 💐

Serana · 26/12/2016 05:43

Yes givenup, I have felt at the brink of just walking out and never being seen again but thankfully didn't do it. That would be so cruel to the people left behind. I agree with seeking out bereavement counselling which then will hopefully give you the strength to tackle relationship problems. I also hope that a big part of that would include dh receiving help to look at his own behaviour and why he is verbally abusive to his dw.

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