To go home and take all presents home and return them

[CatSittingMonkey]

I don't know where to start. My family is quite dysfunctional - not a lot of care/love/support. Narc mum with enabler dad further complicated by mum showing early signs of dementia.
I've woken up with shingles (second timer), feel like crap but get up, get showered etc and head downstairs to pitch in. Let them know I've got shingles, get told I should take it easy by mother. I crack on with hoovering the downstairs and tidying up (place is huge and random shit all over the place to give some context). No problem, happy to help out and pitch in.

Brother and sister currently doing nothing to help then announce they're going to the beach with the dog. Great, I'd like to go but aware of how much needs to be done so crack on with prepping veg for the meal.

Dad is cleaning the chandelier at this point and mum is in the kitchen flapping around. I ask her if she could pour me drink while I'm working. She starts throwing a fit about how demanding i am and that we should wait for everyone to come back. I say that surely as I'm busy working i can have a glass of champagne?!
No, no I can't and how dare I act like a spoiled child, demanding all the time?!?!

She then storms out leaving me alone to continue prepping. I'm then stood doing the sprouts over the sink and having a little cry, i feel so alone.

Then both mum and dad come back in and dad pours me a drink. Hallelujah!

I ask mum what time she's planning dinner for, to get a tirade of how it was meant to be at 2pm blah blah whinge whinge.
So I just say "hold on, what time do you want dinner, it's 12pm now so 2pm is out of the question as turkey not even in yet."

My dad steps in and shouts at me to stop demanding and speaking to my mother like that?!?! Wtf. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. All i want to know is when to put the veg in!

I shouted at him to stop enabling her behaviour - I know, I shouldn't have but I'm sick of her treating me like a servant who must never question or clarify anything.

Dad just basically told me to "fuck off home". So, like a child I'm in my room wondering where the fuck it all went wrong and what the hell I am doing here.

I've not cried this much all year. I'm tempted to just fuck off home (4hrs away) like dad suggested and take their presents with me to return next week.

AIBU? Am i mad or are they right?! I just don't know if I am being a spoiled brat like they say.

Sorry for long rant. That's not even the half of it 😔

Another vote for going home. Leave them to it.

Ditch them, toss everything in the car and skedaddle!! Four hours driving? Think of the peace, quiet and drama free environment you are heading towards :)

I second the go home votes. Sorry OP. Big hugs to you x

You're ill with Shingles, but instead of taking it easy as was suggested, and despite the fact your brother and sister weren't helping, you started hoovering and then helping with lunch?

I would go home, if I were you, but then I would spend some time trying to work out why I had started to do lots of work when it wasn't strictly necessary and I was genuinely under the weather.

Work if you want, or don't, if you want. But volunteering for people you know are assholes, and then moaning when it isn't appreciated, is akin to bashing your head off a wall. Time to rethink your strategy in life. Mine is never to give more than I can afford to lose. I do things for people to keep myself happy. Sounds odd, but it removes other people's power to hurt me.

Is this your Mums normal, or is it her dementia?

I would have timed the veg around when she put the Turkey in.

Dementia symptoms increase when under pressure. Are you working together as a family, to support your Mum?

TBH, now isn't the time to take your anger out for your Dad being an enabler, given that it would be difficult to say what behaviour is her dementia and what is her usual self.

What's her prognosis? She's got, what seven years max? But only a few were she can 'do' Christmas.

I'd stick it out for today, but you all need to be part of future plans.

Thank goodness someone else read it like I did

Hang on! Re-read your own post. You've woken up ill and your mother has told you to take it easy, so why hoover? Go to the beach and have a walk. The dinner will happen, it doesn't really matter when. Then have another drink and sit down. Your mother has early stage dementia. She's probably feeling overwhelmed herself.

I wouldnt be going back next week.

I think OP meant returning presents to the shop next week for a refund xx

Just go home, why tolerate the drama?

If you've not had a drink yet then go home.

I think I would stay for today but make plans not to go through this again next year. Going NC isnt neccessary, but reduced contact or on your terms may be a better option

xx

I would definitely go home. Get into bed and get some rest. Nobody needs this sort of shit any day of the year.

From what I can understand, you've done nothing wrong. Behaviour like this can totally throw you and the mind fuckery can make you feel like you're going mad. You'd be totally entitled to leave and go home, but think carefully about this before doing it. Big statements like leaving half way through Christmas Day would are likely to be turned around and used against you - I doubt that it would cause people to reconsider their behaviour. Use your poor health as an excuse to spend time upstairs and away from your family, leave as soon as you're able without it being used against you and then think really carefully once you're home about the kind of relationship that you want with them. Doing this on your own, in your own time and not in the midst of such a fraught environment will allow you to think carefully. Perhaps next Christmas you won't choose to be around them at all!

Go home. Take presents and a bottle of fizz, go via garage and get food for you- return presents and buy yourself something lovely!

I'd leave OP. You deserve to be treated with respect

Another vote for leaving. Pack up your stuff and go home. Treat yourself kindly for a change and look after yourself.

go home x

Head for home, you can still have a lovely peaceful day.

Oh wow, I didn't expect so many replies, thank you all and sorry to those also with families similar to mine.

I've necked nearly a large glass of sherry and some wine, so sadly can't drive home for a few hours.

My brotger and sister have come back, they're going to the pub and have coerces me in to going with them. I've put my face on, including my smile and I'm going to grin and bear it for today.

I know i should go NC. I've thought about it for many years.

Sadly, this is standard mum behaviour behind closed doors but it seems to be getting worse.

Thank you all. I'm going to the pub to get out of the house for a while.

Pack up and go home. And think c carefully about visiting again, ever. So sorry you're having such a crap time.

Why are you playing the martyr?

You are ill with shingles. Your mother has told you to take it easy. Why did you insist on hoovering? Why were you prepping the veg?

Seriously, get a grip. Go home and rest. Cut the melodrama.

I'd leave tomorrow first thing, when you can drive safely, and go NC.

Life is too short.

What do you think the reaction would be if you did pack up and leave? Would it cause an irreparable break or would it allow for 'simmer down' time? Make your decision based on that and what you want your relationship with your family to be going forward. You don't mention anyone else, are you there on your own or do you have a DP or DCs to give you some support?

I can't imagine the rest of the day will be any better. But this is not the time to tackle the issue of 'Is Mum's behaviour Narc or is it Alzheimer's?'. My mum has advanced dementia and as @Birdsgottafly mentioned the progression of the disease is unknown and you just don't know if you have one more or seven more Christmases with your mum.

Stop trying to get her approval, accept things are as they are and have your own life instead.