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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or was DP just being lazy?

44 replies

Hellowyellow · 24/12/2016 23:00

I spent all day cleaning, tidying, doing laundry, washing up etc trying to make the house nice for Christmas. Literally did not sit down.

DP was 'watching the baby' (17 months) but basically letting her watch back to back cartoons on his phone whilst he watched his own thing on the TV.

Got annoyed because I got annoyed that he wasn't lifting a finger to help. Claimed he was keeping the baby out of my way but wasn't interacting with her at all. I feel that was just lazy parenting... am I being overly harsh? I feel that as he was using her as an excuse not to help me, he might have actually bothered to play with her. I wouldn't have minded if he had. I mean, I could have plopped her down in front of some videos, she hardly needed supervising with it.

He wouldn't have a reasonable conversation about it and has now gone to spend the night at his mums 'to get some space'. It's Christmas Eve ffs. Now our little one will wake up with only one parent on Christmas Day. I know she doesn't have a clue what's going on, but it still makes me sad.

So WIBU? Should I apologise?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 24/12/2016 23:33

Hang on.....you said that arguments escalate and he was trying to avoid that

What exactly do you mean? Are we talking lots of shouting or worse?

Bogeyface · 24/12/2016 23:36

Make sure you double lock the door so he doesnt just come back.

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 24/12/2016 23:40

Thank you I agree I shouldn't have to delegate work to him. He should have seen I was working my butt off while he was sat on the sofa but apparently he didn't as he actually asked me what I have done! He just doesn't see all the housework and cleaning and tidying that I do, that made it clear.

And with the arguments it is worse than shouting. So whilst I don't think it was good or necessary for him to go running off I do understand his reasons.

OP posts:

Christmassnake · 24/12/2016 23:48

What a twat.poor you x

CalleighDoodle · 24/12/2016 23:49

Are you saying you physically abuse him?

Bogeyface · 24/12/2016 23:51

I think she is saying that he physically abuses her.

CalleighDoodle · 24/12/2016 23:54

Either way the relationship is toxic and damaging to your child. Keep him at his mum's. Fresh start.

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 25/12/2016 00:07

Oh god no, no physical abuse. Just really nasty shouting, name calling, verbal aggression from both of us. So I do understand his desire to avoid that. However, he wouldn't even have a discussion with me, he just went running off at the first sniff of a disagreement.

TBH more than the running away I'm just annoyed that he didn't appreciate that I was doing a lot today and that he was being a lazy arse. It's a long standing problem I guess. He simply doesn't see the housework and childcare that I do and doesn't appreciate that I hardly get a break. Whereas he gets a break (child free days off, lie ins etc) all the time

OP posts:

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 25/12/2016 00:08

By the way happy Christmas everyone! Thank you all for your responses

OP posts:

Benedikte2 · 25/12/2016 00:15

And a happy Christmas to you Hellow

GravyAndShite · 25/12/2016 01:31

Oh god no, no physical abuse. Just really nasty shouting, name calling, verbal aggression from both of us.

Oh OP. there doesn't have to be raised hands for toxicity. I really hope you can work things out for the best. Good luck with everything.

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 25/12/2016 05:39

And now here I am with a wide awake baby in my bed and no moral support while he is having a nice undisturbed sleep at his mums.

Prick.

OP posts:

BigGreenOlives · 25/12/2016 05:43

Happy Christmas to you both! Can you snuggle with her so she'll go back to sleep?

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 25/12/2016 21:13

Thank you, I managed to get her back to sleep and we got up at the much more decent time of 8.30am.

Haven't seen him today but we've spoken and sorted things out (ish). I didn't have a very happy Christmas but hey we're warm and fed and safe so all is good. Dd didn't seem to mind, she had a lovely day playing with her cousins.

OP posts:

Velvetdarkness · 25/12/2016 22:31

I think you're minimising. You clearly need to sit down and work things out and perhaps have some counselling to deal with why you both argue in such a nasty way.
Don't let this pass without dealing with things or it will get worse.

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 26/12/2016 22:35

Thanks velvet, perhaps I am. We have been to counselling in the past and he says that's why he left - to stop it escalating. Believe it or not this is actually progress for us. I know it's not great though. We have a lot of issues.

I am accepting some of the blame for as some PPs have said I shouldn't have done so much that I got annoyed about it. I should have just stopped or made him do some of the work. However I am going to talk to him about the balance of household chores in general.

OP posts:

Velvetdarkness · 30/12/2016 21:04

Have you had a chance to talk? How are things?

Original poster

Hellowyellow · 02/01/2017 21:36

Thanks for the concern velvet. We had a chat about the arguing and agreed we can't go on like this. New start for the new year but if it keeps happening we will split, for the first time in ages I'm not afraid of this so I feel ok about it.

Wrt the housework I didn't say anything but have noticed he is making more of an effort with laundry etc. I'm hoping this means he actually heard me and agrees I'm not being so unreasonable after all! Hopefully he'll keep it up and I have to stand up for myself in future too and not do so much that I get resentful for it.

OP posts:

Velvetdarkness · 02/01/2017 21:59

Well done. I'm sure you can resolve it. I've had a few chats like this with my husband and it's frustrating but each time he improves. Being unafraid to end it means you will fight for fair treatment which is good.
Hope all goes well.
Hugs although I know it's not the done thing here x

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