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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So my housemates boyfriend is sleeping over tonight

24 replies

SaltySeaDogs · 23/12/2016 00:33

And she's away? She said he was just coming to collect some stuff. He stays over most nights and cooks/does washing here.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2016 00:35

Did you hit 'post' too soon?

What are you asking?

MillionToOneChances · 23/12/2016 00:36

Sounds like he's moved in and should be sharing bills.

Topseyt · 23/12/2016 00:36

And??

ThirdTimeLuck · 23/12/2016 00:38

I'd be speaking to housemate regarding boyfriend paying his way. He shouldn't be there when she isn't, tell him to leave and then speak to your housemate and explain what has happened.

Hellmouth · 23/12/2016 00:46

If he's there more than 3 nights a week, I think that counts as living there. And he should not have access when she's not in - it sounds like she has given him her key or he has his own. If he's not contributing to rent and bills, you are within you're right to raise this to her and to the landlord. My sister had a similar situation years ago and it did not end well. Both her housemates had their boyfriends over every night, and then were pissed off when I stayed after university ended. They were blatantly bullying her to get her out of the flat, and in the end things nearly got violent!

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 23/12/2016 00:55

That would piss me off. Fine to stay over with housemate but to treat the place as his own when she isn't even there? Nope.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 23/12/2016 00:57

And if he stays over most nights even when she is in there and does his laundry there too, he needs to start coughing up towards the bills.

NameSux · 23/12/2016 01:10

My former housemates boyfriend did this. I stayed home with a migraine and caught him bringing over friends for coffee. A 200 quid WiFi bill from him and his mates downloading films put an end to the friendship and I was relieved when she moved out cos she was upduffed. Get him on the bills and lease to protect your self

VimFuego101 · 23/12/2016 01:11

YANBU.

QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 01:12

That is taking the piss. If he is there most night and using the washing machine, 3 people are using the gas and electric and hot water and only 2 people paying.

I'd find somewhere else to live tbh. Not to mention never having privacy when she is away.

Bogeyface · 23/12/2016 01:12

I dont see any need for him to stay over if she isnt there. Sounds like they are moving him in by stealth so that they dont get walloped for 2/3rds of the bills. Keep a note of how often he stays over, and what "staying over" means including long showers, doing his washing, using "kitty" items such as loo roll and washing up liquid. Sounds petty but they add up and why should you subsidise them?

Bogeyface · 23/12/2016 01:13

Also I would have a major issue with being alone in a house with a man I dont know.....

Andylion · 23/12/2016 01:35

If you start charging him, then he'll have a right to be there.

QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 01:46

Charging him could also been seen as a sublet which may not be allowed.

sooperdooper · 23/12/2016 01:50

Just no. Had a similar situation with an ex flat mate, I came home I'll from work one day and he let himself in with a key she'd given him without telling me and he paid nothing!!

Tell them both to fuck off and get their own place

shanefolan29 · 23/12/2016 01:53

''Also I would have a major issue with being alone in a house with a man I dont know.....''

a tad extreme, he's not a stranger of the street, he's her house mate's boyfriend and is over every night. The issue here is more him not paying bills,

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 23/12/2016 01:57

His moving in by stealth is also an issue.

QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 02:26

It is the flat mate who should be asked to pay a greater share of the bills not the bf himself. She has him there all the time, she can pay more of the bills.

May compel her to spend more time at his.

Bogeyface · 23/12/2016 02:31

I disagree shane

She knows him, I dont. I dont know anything about him other than he is her bf, so why would I not be a bit nervy?

The fact is that women get attacked every single day, so I would not be happy to be in my own home with a virtual stranger. I am not doing the old "every man is a potential rapist" thing, but I make myself vulnerable by my choice not someone elses. I choose who I spend a night in the same place with based on my knowledge of them and my own risk assessment, I am not going to take the word of a housemate that he is a safe bet.

oldlaundbooth · 23/12/2016 02:48

I'm with bogey : you don't know this guy from Adam really.

Wombatron · 23/12/2016 02:52

As someone who has two warring tenants in similar a situation... raise this now before it gets out of hand.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2016 03:07

I agree with Bogey he could be a danger, the room mate does not know either way.

SaltySeaDogs please tell your room mate this is not acceptable, you do not wish to share your home with her boy friend when she is away, at all.

As far as him staying while you are there, I think you both need to work out what is acceptable, and whether/what he should contribute etc.

He could contribute towards food or electricity without actually paying rent. I am assuming there are no issues with this?

My friend did this, she started dating a man who worked on an oil rig and so he literally moved in when not on the rig, she did not discuss with us. Very annoying. I think I said nothing (long time ago). I would not not make that mistake again.

At the same time my other room mate, gay male room mate, had his boyfriend round a lot too, but never without that roommate so I never felt bothered by it. Plus they never did a lot of cooking in etc (like me) where as the guy from the oil rig did cooking etc and was there when his girlfriend was not in, which I found really not very nice. The cooking thing was just mess in the kitchen etc but the main thing was just being in my own home with a man I barely knew.

QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 03:28

I dont agree with charging him anything in fact as that amounts to an agreement he can come whenever he likes as long as he pays his share. The OP isnt happy with him being there all the time.

If they want to see each other so much they can get a bloody flat together.

Hissy · 23/12/2016 08:18

This is your home and you have a right to say who comes in and out when it's just you there.

He needs to go.

I'd suggest saying to your friend that there's a limit on how often he's there and absolutely no overnight stay if she isn't there.

Don't bring money into the equation or it just legitimises him being there.

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