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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to marry before we have another child?

24 replies

andanotheronee · 22/12/2016 21:43

We have 2 and another would mean I would be a sahm for at least 3 or 4 years (he works extremely long hours/childcare too expensive/my career + caring for 3 U4's would be horrific)!

Being a common law couple knowing that I'm financially independent is fine but the prospect of being entirely reliant on someone else without being bound by law for years terrifies me (we are happy together and very much in love this is down to my own insecurities and self preservation I suppose).

Long story short. I'm pregnant again. We have discussed it in great depth, of course. Although I'm not overjoyed about the situation he has clearly expressed that he wants to "make it work" and I don't believe I have the right to overrule such a decision about our child (I know I sound cold hearted I just don't want to waffle) I have told him that if that's the case and I'm going to become a sahm I want to marry between now and then. Is that an unreasonable request?

OP posts:
Original poster
andanotheronee · 22/12/2016 21:45

I would plan it all of course (already am in my head Halo) and it wouldn't put our family into financial difficulties.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 22/12/2016 21:47

If you're both happy to get married then there is no issue. Weddings don't need to be huge and expensive.

DailyFail1 · 22/12/2016 21:50

Why aren't you married already though? From my and my friends' experiences if a couple is going to marry then they'll usually do it in a couple of years. The ones with their partners for years and years usually have very good reasons not to marry.

Original poster
andanotheronee · 22/12/2016 21:54

We've both just been very busy and never really found the right time. This seems a good opportunity because I wouldnt be working and therfore able to put all my effort into planning it!

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 22/12/2016 21:58

Dailyfail- I disagree. I'm not married and been with DP for 11yrs. We have no real reason to not get married. Just haven't got round to it yet.

OP, not unreasonable at all. Will you be able to have the wedding you both want whilst pregnant?

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 22/12/2016 22:03

if a couple is going to marry then they'll usually do it in a couple of years

I've never seen this. It varies massively in the people I know. And I certainly wasn't marrying my husband when he was 19!

Crispbutty · 22/12/2016 22:05

You can get married without any fuss or expense. If it's purely for the legal aspect, just grab a couple of witnesses and sign at the registry office. Job done for peanuts.

Crispbutty · 22/12/2016 22:06

And as for most couples marrying within a couple of year, I've rarely known that to be the case. I would say the average for couples I know is more like 5-6 years.

missyB1 · 22/12/2016 22:08

So what has he said? Is he happy with the plan?

Original poster
andanotheronee · 22/12/2016 22:19

peppapigtasteslikebacon
Suppose I may just have to compromise on the dress and excessive alcohol consumption. Other than that I don't see why not!
crispbutty
If it's finally going to happen. I want the small church wedding of my dreams.
missyb1
He just said "bloody hell love I'd better get my arse in gear then" in regards to an engagement (probably because he thought I was joking) but if I'm not being completely ridiculous I'm going to make it clear that I'm serious tonight.

OP posts:
ErnesttheBavarian · 22/12/2016 22:21

No, Not unreasonable. Mad that you haven't done it already. Just say, ok, baby due xxx, let's get married before aaa. Book a registry office/whatever and get it done.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 22/12/2016 22:25

If it's finally going to happen. I want the small church wedding of my dreams.

Do you think he'll want that too?

Farmmummy · 22/12/2016 22:29

Now DH and I had been together 3 years (although friends for 5 before that) and planned to get married in a couple of years after that (or so) then I discovered I was pregnant with dd1 and although wasn't too worried about bringing it forward I had always said if I had a child he/she would have my name so was making dinner one night in December and my very laid back dp said casually "when are we getting married then, you may get the finger out if you want to fit in that dress you liked" (so being the master organiser I am we married in Gretna green in February Xmas Grin ) that dd will be 7 in may

Original poster
andanotheronee · 22/12/2016 22:35

verybitchyrestingface
I would never want a wedding dp didn't want too, the whole point is to enjoy the day together surely. We've had plenty wedding talks!

OP posts:
Original poster
andanotheronee · 22/12/2016 22:47

farmmummy
That is so impressive and your Dh sounds about as romantic as my Dp! If he agrees can you plan mine please?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/12/2016 22:52

I have told him that if that's the case and I'm going to become a sahm I want to marry between now and then.

Are you not a SAHM already?

Original poster
andanotheronee · 22/12/2016 23:00

worraliberty
Hmm, technically yes. But only because we have just had dd2. I was returning to work next summer!

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 22/12/2016 23:23

I thought there was no such thing as common law wife.
Marriage will protect you financially. Being out of work for years looking after kids puts your career back many years ad some never catch back up.
Seeing you are already having number 3 he better had get his bum in gear.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2016 23:48

Ok, but I'm not sure what you're saying here.

Are you saying if he doesn't marry you, you are going to have an abortion?

If so, that's entirely up to you but it's a bit contrary to Although I'm not overjoyed about the situation he has clearly expressed that he wants to "make it work" and I don't believe I have the right to overrule such a decision about our child

As the one who will be going through pregnancy, childbirth and not returning to work for quite some time, I personally believe the ultimate decision is yours.

But having said that, I'm not sure it's right to issue an ultimatum such as "Marry me or I will abort our baby".

Surely you'd want him to marry you because that's what he really wants?

Astro55 · 22/12/2016 23:57

We also married in Greta - sorted in 3 weeks
Ring the church - and book it
Then send invites
Then organize a party
Find a dress and rings

Keep it simple and fuss free - it'll be easier if you don't get dragged down by minor details

EasterRobin · 22/12/2016 23:58

Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Castleheights · 23/12/2016 00:03

Get thee wed. Sadly it's the best way to ensure everyone knows where they stand. It's truly better for the dc, sorry I'm not romantic about these things I'm realistic.

Original poster
andanotheronee · 23/12/2016 00:07

worraliberty
Goodness no! He could work less and take on some of the childcare which would enable me to work also (not an option he's fond of) Its a case of marriage or no sahm. Not marriage or no baby.

It's really difficult to give every detail without writing pages so I tried keeping it short and sweet. We discussed all options and although I was unsure what was best (not that I absolutely don't want the baby) he made his feelings very clear and it was settled. It is my body but it is our baby. If I desperately wanted to keep a child we had conceived and he said no I couldn't continue our relationship. Surely he would feel the same.

We both absolutely want to marry, just not had time yet. He gets flustered at spontaneity and that's the only reason he would be scared to do it so quickly.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/12/2016 00:13

Ahh I see, yes gotcha OP.

Sorry, I just got the wrong end of the stick there Flowers

In that case as you both want to marry, YANBU at all.

And good luck with the pregnancy.

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