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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very disappointed in my step daughter today :(

51 replies

user1482432724 · 22/12/2016 20:52

Namechanged for this.

My ds2 has been bullied in high school for the previous years. Me and the school took a hardline on this and eventually three of the boys were excluded for there actions (plus some other stuff). The police were also informed as they were also racist towards by son who is of a mixed heritage.

Yesterday evening my son received a message from an account without a profile on facebook. It was a picture of ds2 with a racial slur written in bold white letters.

I knew it was them, what I didn't know was how they found the facebook. It's a private account with just family and very close friends, it's a private account under a nickname. Ds accepted the friend request for this account and he didn't really think much of it.

However what i didn't know until today was that my step daughter is friends with one of the bullies. They are practically our neighbours and live on the same housing development. So I went and had a word with the bullies boys mum and she said she was shocked and the boy is in a lot of trouble (she sounded furious). What I didn't know was my dsd was hanging round with them yesterday.

I had a bad feeling as soon as I heard this, it then clicked as to how they found my sons facebook. So I quietly asked dsd if she had told them about ds2 facebook being him. She basically admitted to telling them. She said she didn't think they would send something like that and they told her they would not. I didn't show it but I felt so angry at her.

I felt betrayed by her, She knows what they are like she should have done better. I just can't look at her this evening. I told dh and he is very angry (she tried to blackmail him like she does).

To my stepsons credit he was very kind to my son although he is also friends with these boys he's not as close.

It's made me want to move, I feel so bad for ds2 of whom he has had to put up with racial abuse. The development does not have many young people live on it and so these boys seem to be big players in a very small pond.

I did not take it too the police but I let all the boys mums involved to be aware that if another single word is sad to ds2 I will.

My children's ages as i didn't mention them are ds1 17, ds2 16 dss 17 dsd 15 (same year as ds2).

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 22/12/2016 21:34

I think you need to speak to your son about accepting friend requests from people he doesn't know.

You should report it to the police. Although they might have a lot of trouble proving who it is.

But I do think you are overreacting at DSD, she made an error of judgement. I don't think you can really dictate who a 15 year old is friends with either as I suspect that will make her resent her brother and possibly cause more trouble. Although her father can certainly get her to think about why she would want to be friends with someone who did that.

GreatFuckability · 22/12/2016 21:35

Yes nichito I'm aware. I read it too. I still think that 15 is very young and if anything peer pressure is worse when you are 15 than when you're 8.
user she probably doesn't realise how big a deal it is for him. Unless you've experienced bullying at that age its difficult to empathise.
Why did your son accept the request? Not at all blaming him, but he also needs to be careful who he's letting contact him if this is a problem.

Interesting2Me · 22/12/2016 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Armadillostoes · 22/12/2016 21:38

I appreciate that you are rightly angry and upset, but teenagers do make mistakes in navigating relationships. Is your DSD popular, or she does struggle to make and keep friends? These people sound incredibly nasty, was she afraid of being bullied herself or trying to 'buy' favour with what she perceived as the powerful in crowd? I'm not for a moment suggesting that excuses it, but it does make her mistakes seem more understandable.

It isn't healthy to be directing so much anger at your DSD. She told you the truth, when it sounds as though she could easily have tried to cover her tracks. That was brave, and it's a shame to respond negatively to behaviour which you should actively want to encourage (i.e. taking responsibility when she screws up). If your body language is the way your post suggests it probably is, will she tell you the truth in future? I know you say that you didn't show your feelings, but the tone of your post suggests that you are very angry. It would take an Oscar winning performance to cover that up.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 22/12/2016 21:40

I'd be upset with her too.

To whoever said the DS needs to take responsibility over who he accepts- that sounds like victim blaming to me, regardless of who he adds he shouldn't be subjected to racist assaults, which are illegal.

GreatFuckability · 22/12/2016 21:42

Its not victim blaming its basic internet safety.

Original poster

user1482432724 · 22/12/2016 21:43

'buy' favour with what she perceived as the powerful in crowd

This is probably why from what I can guess.

OP posts:

MarjorieSimpson · 22/12/2016 21:49

interesting that's an interesting point of view.
So according to you, you always chose where you live, you are never stuck in one place. E.g. If you want to still live in close distance to an ex to be able to see your dsc. Or you always have the choice to move to another place, price isnt an issue etc etc.

As for the school, the OP has said that they came down on the bullies quite hard so I'm not sure the school is that horrible either.

OP I think your DH needs to have words with your dsd. About peer pressure and keeping some sort of moral high ground. And about thinking of others and the impact of her actions. And about choosing friends more wisely.
Yu R ds also needs to be more careful re his Facebook account. He is already quite careful (the photo, nickname etc...), now the next step is to never accept someone as a friend if you don't know who they are. I hope he has defriended them??

57968sp · 22/12/2016 21:50

You need to move for the sake of your children. Whether or not your stepfamily move too is something you need to think about.

MarjorieSimpson · 22/12/2016 21:50

YY about wanting to be part of the crowd and showing that she is the cool girl too.

Maybe she needs to learn that being the cool girl isn't all what it's cracked up to be.

Miserylovescompany2 · 22/12/2016 22:01

Would you have gone to the police if your step daughter wasn't involved?

1horatio · 22/12/2016 22:09

She said she didn't think they would send something like that and they told her they would not. I didn't show it but I felt so angry at her.

Yes, but she's 15. Your DS2 is olde than her, are his bullies as well? Peer pressure, wanting to be accepted and not wanting to be next may be good reasons for her actions. And she may have genuinely believed that they wouldn't do that.

If that's the case they have used her, broken her trust... so, that would make her a victim as well.

As for the apathy.
I personally often shut down during arguments when I was her age.
That didn't mean I wasn't screaming internally. I just didn't want to let anyone know.

I don't obviously don't know if that's how it is in the case of DSD, how could I. But it might be?

But it's unfair to blame all of this on her (not saying you are doing that, btw). It's possible that she's also a victim or that she just doesn't want to show you how much this bothers her.

1horatio · 22/12/2016 22:11

Peer pressure, wanting to be accepted and not wanting to be next may be good reasons for her actions

I'm not trying to say that this means her actions were justified or good.

But these are imo quite understandable reasons in the case of a 15 yo.

DJBaggySmalls · 22/12/2016 22:15

An old slogan from the 1980's was 'If your friends are racist you're no friend of mine.'

DailyFail1 · 22/12/2016 22:19

Enabling racial harrassment is as bad as doing it. She also needs to learn that blood is thicker than water. Your DH, her mum, and the school should be involved to start. Agree you should contact the police if this continues. A young Indian kid killed himself recently over racially motivated fb bullying - this is serious stuff.

DailyFail1 · 22/12/2016 22:21

At 16/17 she is basically an adult not a child. If this were my child being racially harrassed I would have demanded the strictest of punishments from the school, and reported it to the police.

FrancisCrawford · 22/12/2016 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PberryT · 22/12/2016 22:31

I think she's 15 and made a slight fuck up.

15 year olds won't see the wider consequences. Plus the people at fault here are the bullies. Dsd can choose her friends and who she hangs around with.

Your ds shouldn't be accepting random friend requests either.

TrinityForce · 22/12/2016 22:40

It's a very big, very cruel fuck up.

1horatio · 22/12/2016 22:47

I'm not trying to victim blame...

But why did DS accept the request? If it's a secret profile?

Did DSD give them Info to make a profile that looks like his cousin's or...?

Bunnyfuller · 22/12/2016 22:53

Do not ever accept friend requests from people you do not know or trust irl. That's not just for kids. Oh, and FB is shit.

1horatio · 22/12/2016 22:57

bunny

That's why I'm asking...

Because if she had just given them his facebook it is possible that she believed they wouldn't do anything nefarious or thought he wouldn't accept the request anyway. I'm not saying this would make it ok, but it would make her actions decidedly less awful.

However, if she helped set them up a fake account (in a cousin's name or something) then that would be truly despicable.

christinarossetti · 23/12/2016 08:44

From your recent posts OP, I can see why you don't want to take it to the police.

I can also understand why your initial response was fury at your dsd, who facilitated this situation.

Have you and your dh had an opportunity to discuss it? He does need to have a long talk with your dsd about how to negotiate her relationship with these bullies. Because they're the ones with power, it is unrealistic and simplistic to say ' ignore them' but she needs to be aware of the extent of their previous bullying and that she can lie to them eg he doesn't have Facebook.

If she didn't know about the racist bullying, then her decision to tell them his FB account wasn't fully informed.

I do feel for you and your filter, OP. This must have brought back so much stuff that you'd hoped was behind you.

christinarossetti · 23/12/2016 08:45

Family, not filter

elvis86 · 23/12/2016 10:52

She's 15? sorry but at 15 you know right from wrong and to be honest I would probably want her out of the house for good

Would you want your own child out of the house if they were the guilty party, SantasJockstrap? She's not dispensable just because she's a step-child - it's presumably her home too.

I understand the OP being upset. I was bullied at school, and it would have been pretty devastating if a sibling was friends with the bullies and was actually complicit in assisting them.

I disagree with some posters regarding kids being free to choose their own friends - I think your OH and her mum (and you, if appropriate) would be absolutely entitled to have a discussion with her and her brother about their ongoing friendship with these boys. At least to explore how they are managing to reconcile the fact that these boys are racists and yet choose to continue to associate with them. Accounting for peer pressure and all of that, I'd still be very disappointed and concerned if a child of mine maintained friendships with boys who were clearly racists.

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