Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

A close friend ignored my Dad passing away

75 replies

LolaDevall · 22/12/2016 13:50

A few weeks ago my Dad sadly passed away. He passed on the Tuesday and on the Saturday a friend was having her hen party. I texted her to let her know that I would be able to go to her hen on the Tuesday and gave the reason why. She didn't respond. About two week later I texted her to say hope she had a nice time and her only response was that I owed her chief bridesmaid money for a cocktail making class that had to be paid up front. I replied to her saying that I was upset that she hadn't acknowledge my news but was quick enough to ask for money and she responded saying that she apologised and that she was upset because I was the 4th person who had cancelled going to the hen. I really don't ant to go to the wedding because I feel I should be with my family at this time. What do you think please? She is normally a really lovely girl.

OP posts:

periwinklepickspoppies · 22/12/2016 15:33

Don't pay, don't reply and move on from that 'friendship'

Roussette · 22/12/2016 15:37

Who are all these people who can't cope with death/bereavement? Whoever they are, I thank god I've never met them. Because they'd be the sort of people who - if they lost a parent - would expect endless sympathy and shoulders to cry on.

Even if a person finds it difficult to cope with hearing about death, they can manage a short text along the lines of "I am so sorry to hear of your loss, don't worry at all about the hen night, see you soon". How hard is that?

But I'm not sure the OP's friend is one of those people anyway. She's just peeved that 4 pulled out and is a cow not even mentioning the loss of her friend's DF.

My condolences OP.

Sunbeam18 · 22/12/2016 15:45

She's a cow. I'd absolutely never contact her again after that. Who cares about people cancelling on her bloody hen do? You lost a parent, for God's sake. Unforgivable and bridezilla in the extreme

talkshowhost97 · 22/12/2016 15:50

So sorry for your loss. That is unforgivable. Ditch the 'friend' and the wedding. (And don't even bother telling her you aren't coming.)

FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 22/12/2016 15:53

How old is she? Is she's under 20 I'd give her the benefit of the doubt - otherwise, i'd dump her.

NoJimmyProtested · 22/12/2016 16:02

Don't pay, don't reply and move on from that 'friendship'

This.

Sorry for your loss OP. When my Mum died unexpectedly 2 years ago, several "friends" let me down in this way. I cut them out. I still feel sad about it sometimes but I could never have forgiven them tbh.

Italiangreyhound · 22/12/2016 16:07

LolaDevall I am so sorry about the loss of your dad.

If she is an old friend I would explain again how very hurt you were by what she said and did, and did not do, and say you are not sure about attenindg her weddding now.

Her response will tell you what you need to know.

If she tells you how very sorry she is and that of course you must do what is right for you. Then I would consider attending, if you wish to, or not, but would put this behind you and resume a friendship if you wish.

If she is rude or draws it all back on her, I would simply say, how very sad that she could not take her head out of her own plans for one minute to understand what you are going through and then I would not give it another thought.

I am so sorry. I lost my mum this year. It does get easier with time.

aginghippy · 22/12/2016 16:25

Sorry for your loss Lola

YANBU this person is not behaving like a true friend. If you feel you should be with your family at this sad time, that's what you should do.

I would send a note saying I will not be attending the wedding due to my bereavement. Then I would leave the ball in her court. If she contacts you at any point to offer her condolences, there is the possibility of some kind of friendship. Otherwise, forget it.

Candlestickchick · 22/12/2016 16:27

Horrendous behaviour on her part. I get why she's upset at 4 people cancelling but a) it's not your fault 3 others cancelled and b) you were hardly being flakey, you had a very very good reason for dropping out. She should have thought of you instead of herself.

I would pay, because otherwise the MOH will be out of pocket and it's not her fault. But reassess the friendship.

Sorry for your loss.

holidaysaregreat · 22/12/2016 16:34

Sorry for your loss. Lost my Dad 18 months ago and I wouldn't have been able to go on a hen do a few days later & I'm the sort of person to keep going regardless.
I would pay the maid of honour and then send apologies about the wedding. I wouldn't be able to do after how she has behaved.
It's not just the gift, you would have to buy drinks/get taxis/sort an outfit.
I happen to think people who plan these expensive hen do's are quite self absorbed anyway. I just had a cheap pizza meal out in town followed by drinks and some dancing.

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 22/12/2016 16:57

Honestly if any of my friends behaved like that after my dad passed away I'd no longer be their friend. That's shocking.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

venys · 22/12/2016 17:00

So sorry for your loss - it must be a difficult time for you. She might be quite self absorbed or possibly had too many excuses thrown at her lately. I know personally the amount of "my relative died " stories I get from unreliable builders is astounding. Like it doesn't actually happen as often as I hear it. So maybe she is I. That mode where she doesn't believe the stories any more. But she could at least have the common sense that if it is a true friend that is invited to the hen and wedding, then she deserves some sympathy. I think some of the PPS suggestions about sending a card and flowers explaining why you won't be at the wedding is a good one.

Sunbeam18 · 22/12/2016 23:22

The 'friend' is the one who should be sending a card and flowers! Can't believe anyone suggesting you should accept the unacceptable and pander to this woman

ChasedByBees · 22/12/2016 23:27

So sorry about your dad.

I don't think I could move past this with your friend and would send something like Arfarfarf suggests.

Original poster

LolaDevall · 23/12/2016 18:26

thank you sunbeam. She is a forty year old woman and after reading everyone's comments they have reinforced .... I am done. I wouldn't have treated anybody like that. Thank you everyone for your comments most of which reinforce my feelings towards her. Very much appreciated x

OP posts:

pointythings · 23/12/2016 18:35

She's bananas and not a friend.

I am so sorry about your dad, I lost mine mid-November and would not have been going to any parties either.

Jigglealltheway · 23/12/2016 18:54

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad this year and Christmas is really really hard. So I can imagine how painful this time of year is for you. I had to deal with an insensitive friend also. She was one of my bridesmaids. My husband contacted her and others in a group chat. She read it but never commented. A couple weeks later my DH contacted her and said I was busy planning the funeral. She never said a word and then went on about how she was flying to the US to support a friend who had lost their DH.
I was invited to her wedding. So a month later she contacted DH asking if we were going as she was getting final numbers. I refused to drive five hours and pay for a hotel for a sp called friend that refused to acknowledge my father had passed away. To be honest I have given her friendship away. It's sad but peoples true colours come out when you need them the most.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 23/12/2016 19:34

So sorry for your loss

I would never speak to her again, op. What a terrible human being she is over a stupid party.

fluffygreenmonsterhoody · 23/12/2016 20:17

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I'd be saying cheerio to her I think OP.

However, I'd also square up with the bridesmaid; it's unfair for her to be out of pocket.

TheTantrumCometh · 23/12/2016 20:35

I am so very sorry for your loss

I had some people feel awkward around me (though they still tried) after my DF passed earlier this year but this goes way beyond that

Rainydayspending · 23/12/2016 20:41

Cut your losses. (And be the bigger person).
Pay the bridesmaid and send your apologies for the wedding as soon as it's done. Her priorities and yours are "different".

Rainydayspending · 23/12/2016 20:42

Meaning she is awful. At this point and going forward you need support to be mutual. She obviously isn't close enough friend for major life events. She has made that clear with a lack of support during yours. Time to withdraw your support for hers.

chipsandpeas · 23/12/2016 20:43

get rid and tel her to fuck right off
i get that people dont know how to react when things like this happen, i had it when my dad died but this takes the biscuit

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/12/2016 20:47

Sorry for your loss.

Glad you are ditching her. You had a very valid reason for not wanting to go to a fucking hen party, she should never ever have said what she did. She is no friend.

Kittenrush · 23/12/2016 20:52

I'm so sorry for you loss
Couldn't pass this without commenting, even though I'll be repeating what most have said.
What's she's done is unforgivable. I can't believe you were good enough not to absolutely lose the plot with her.
There is no excuse for this behaviour

Flip

1 2 3