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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send cards back to my childrens father and grandmother?

20 replies

MidnightPixie3 · 20/12/2016 22:57

My children are 12 and 10.

We seperated 11 years ago. He chose to have no contact, however, he told his family that I wouldn't allow contact.

His mother said she refused to see her Grandchildren if her son wasn't allowed to see them despite me trying to explain that i was open to contact but he wasn't bothered.

After a couple of years of no contact Grandmother started sending cards at Chritmas and Birthdays.

Very shortly after their Father started doing the same. Every single card has said the same - To *** From Dad.
He never asks anything or tells them anything or supplies his address. He always includes a £10 note. (he doesn't pay maintenance)

Both of my children have said that they don't want any of the cards. My son has said this since he was 7and my daughter since she was 8. I have always opened the cards and put the money away for them. They have known that I do this

This year they are both telling me not to open them and asking me to send them back because they don't want to continue receiving them.
So, is it unreasonable to send back the unopened cards even though this is what my children want?

OP posts:

Leanback · 20/12/2016 22:59

It's their decision then I don't think yabu

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 20/12/2016 23:00

First of all, and I hope this doesn't sound patronising, well done for raising your children single handedly in such awful circumstances! Him and his family sound awful.

Secondly the children are old enough to understand the situation and I think you should respect their wishes and return to sender

Dizzybintess · 20/12/2016 23:01

Your children have this right if they feel they don't want to be reminded of him every year?
Also should he be paying maintenance?

Ohdearducks · 20/12/2016 23:02

Be prepared to get the blame for it know doubt you will have poisoned there minds' and 'turned them against there DF' or some such nonsense but if you're willing to ignore that than yes it's reasonable to return them. Or can you just store them away and keep them until they're older? The money could come in handy for them later.

Ohdearducks · 20/12/2016 23:03

No doubt

DJBaggySmalls · 20/12/2016 23:03

Your children are not being unreasonable, neither are you. We've been in a similar position, eldest DC went NC with his father. He's never regretted it.

Dizzybintess · 20/12/2016 23:04

My DHs father is an absolute asshat and has been awful to his sons. When my DD was born he made effort for the first month then didn't want to know.
On my DDs birthday we had a parcel addrsssd to the wrong name. Similar but completely different name. I was tamping. Thankfully our lack of response or thanks meant they stopped sending them and now we don't have the bother. The sad thing is that he lives literally round the corner.

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/12/2016 23:04

Pursue him for backdated maintenance instead! I would suggest the kids return them with a note saying why.

EngTech · 20/12/2016 23:04

If that is what they have decided, so be it but expect some flak over it

Footinmouthasusual · 20/12/2016 23:05

What fuckers! And what a great job you have done raising them op.

I can't imagine how difficult it's been for you. Why doesn't the fucker pay maintenance? anyway your kids sound awesome I would be tempted to tear up his card and send it back but pocket the tenner for Their bank account.

AntiGrinch · 20/12/2016 23:05

It's their post. They choose.

Original poster

MidnightPixie3 · 20/12/2016 23:10

Thanks for your quick replies. I know it is ultimately my childrens decision. I just wonder if they are too young to make a decision that could affect the rest of their lives and whether it is therefore unreasonable of me to act upon their wishes. I am also aware that i may be biased and so i have tried to keep my question as factual and emotion free as possible.

I see now that what i think isn't far away from what other people think.

He should pay maintenance but makes no attrmpt to and I've given up worrying about it. I would have preferred for him to spend time with them rather than be absent and forced to pay for them.

OP posts:

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 20/12/2016 23:12

They are of an age where, if your ex took this to court, the judge would take notice of their wishes. I would therefore say - send the cards back.

TheProblemOfSusan · 20/12/2016 23:14

If the kids have asked you to I think it's reasonable - but I would be worried about causing drama where none needs to be. They probably won't react well.

If you're uncomfortable about it for whatever reason, could you have a conversation with your doctor and suggest opening, choosing a charity for the money, and checking the cards? That way they're not really accepting the gifts but nothing is being stirred up and the way is free for them to change their minds at any time.

TheProblemOfSusan · 20/12/2016 23:14

Balls, I meant chucking the card, not checking.

TheProblemOfSusan · 20/12/2016 23:15

Children, not doctor. Ffs. Sorry.

NewNNfor2017 · 20/12/2016 23:18

At their age, a judge would be likely to order "letterbox contact" even if the DCs were against it. They are old enough to express an opinion, but not old enough to fully understand the impact of their choice.

If they don't want to open them, then don't insist, or open the, yourself - but set them aside keep them safe for them in case they change their minds one day.

Original poster

MidnightPixie3 · 20/12/2016 23:25

I have spoken to them both about the possible reactions.
They both say they don't care!
DS says he'll nuke them both and put them in the attic to rot (he has autism and learning difficulties) and DD just shrugs her shoulders. I asked them about storing them in a box until they're older - they both said no.

I will talk to them about donating the money to charity. I think that is a great idea and they both autism to varying degrees so i am sure we could find a charity that is close to both of their hearts. I still think that the answer will be 'return to sender'. DS loves a phrase he can repeat over and over snd over and . . . . .

OP posts:

JaniceBattersby · 20/12/2016 23:28

I wouldn't send them back because I would be so wary of upsetting the apple cart at the other end. What if he is so pissed off he suddenly decides he wants contact?

I'd just stick them in the bin and give the cash to a Women's Refuge.

NewNNfor2017 · 20/12/2016 23:34

I have spoken to them both about the possible reactions.
They both say they don't care!

That alone is probably enough evidence that they don't really understand the long term implications - couple that with learning difficulties and you'd be hard pushed to convince a judge that no-contact is best for them.

They don't realise it now, but as they grow up, they will think about their father and his wider family - occasions such as milestones in their lives, or when completing medical/insurance forms and being asked about their family medical history and almost certainly when (hopefully not for many years) you die.
Any or all of those situations will trigger very different thoughts and memories if there has been a family drama they can remember triggering by sending an Xmas card back when they were a child.

Keep the cards, and if as they grow up they don't ask about him, then when they are adults , let them have them to do what they want with.

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