To think if you keep your home like a shit tip you can't complain your kids don't tidy their rooms?

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

I am very close to my niece, always have been. She's 18yo and suffers from anxiety (GAD), which seems to be getting progressively worse as time goes on, and some days she's unable to leave the house. She has great support in family members and me and DH have always been there for her when she needs us.

My DSis has today put a picture on facebook effectively 'shaming' DN for her messy room. It's just a picture of her room, and it is a tip, she's done a big long rant about how she's sick of asking her kids to tidy their rooms and she feels this is her last resort - she's tagged DN saying the picture will only come down once her room is tidy.

The thing is, if DSis and BIL (DN's stepdad) were tidy people and kept an orderly house, I'd understand. But the rest of the house is the same as DN's room. DSis (and for as long as I've known him, BIL) has always been the same, crap everywhere, like something out of Kim and Aggie's show. Piles and piles of rubbish stuffed in corners, empty boxes on kitchen worktops there for weeks, piles of washed clothes shoved in random spaces. We stayed over once to babysit their toddler and were meant to be sleeping in their bed. It was unmade and had about 20 toys on top of it, there was no room in their room to put them (as was also a tip) so they went in the hallway. The dogs sleep in that bed and we had to change the sheets that night due to the amount of dog hair in the bed (it aggravates DH's asthma). One time there were several pairs of period stained knickers on show on the landing next to the wash basket (which is always over spilling so the family just chuck things on the floor beside it). We've actually stopped going because I got sick of having to haul things off the sofa just to have a sit down, we're not the most immaculate people in the world, we know what it's like having kids etc, but we are tidy and manage to at least make the bed and keep the sofa clear!

Anyway AIBU to think that if you live like this you cant expect your children to be super tidy? And AIBU to think that shaming someone on Facebook who already has anxiety issues is pretty low no mater how mad you are? I really want to say something but knowing DSis it will not go down well

What a nasty thing to do to any child. Let alone one that suffers already from anxiety. It's bloody cruel!

Thanks all!

Update - picture is now down, but i bit and commented "erm, where's the pics of the rest of the house sis? 😉" (winky face for good measure) and she replied "Cherry our house is spotless I've spent last 2 days cleaning" (yeah right). I also messaged DN but didn't refer to the pic just asked how she was feeling today (she's had a rough few days with her GAD) awaiting a reply at the mo.

I'm seeing sis later in the week I will say something. It won't go down well but I agree with PP that it's cruel and completely unnecessary. I do often think she's not a very nice person but everyone in the family thinks the sun shines out her bum so I'm kind of on my own in that belief

Your nieces room is effectively her private space. I'd be mortified if someone put a pic of my room on the internet. Your sister is being an absolute arsehole (sorry). Even if she and her bloke were super tidy there is no excuse for publicly humiliating ANYONE on social media. They are bringing the private into the public sphere and it is absolutely not on. If she has a problem with her daughters room it is between her and her daughter not the entire world. Please, please give her a complete bollocking over this and make her take it down. And check your niece is ok- if my mother did that to me at 18, an age when it's natural to be worried about what people think of you, I'd be in pieces. The fact her mother would be ignorant of that, or simply not care, is horrible, especially as her daughter has MH probs alreAdy.

X post sorry! Glad the pics down and hope you hear back soon

Niece is probably feeling overwhelmed by the mess, especially with anxiety as a factor. Why not take her out for a drink/coffee and try and come up with a plan or just "one thing that will make my room more manageable ". And then support her with it. Her shaming cow of a mum's approach is both mean and a failure.

My house is spotless downstairs but my DDs room is always a tip. Kids don't always follow by example even if the house is tidy. But I agree it's unfair to berate your DN when your sister doesn't keep a tidy house herself. It's very much do as I say and ignore what I do!

Teaching DC to be tidy can be uphill work but if you don't lead by example your chances of succeeding in having tidy DC are very, very slim indeed.

My SIL is the same, her house is always a complete tip (she has 4 kids and doesn't work at all...even though her youngest is 10) yet she is constantly bollocking them for not tidying up. But why should they when she never does either?? Needless to say, DH and I have very little to do with her

That's what bedroom doors are for isn't it? So you can close the door on the mess and feel relaxed again.

I wonder if ds is did indeed spend 2 days cleaning the house. And she thought that dn would do the same to her bedroom for Christmas. But teenagers are contrary beasts and what was once agreed (or even not agreed if dsis just decided out of the blue herself) may not be followed.

Still a supremely shifty thing to do to publicly shame your own daughter. For what is, afterall, just mess. Not life or limb or even happiness affecting. Just mess you can close a door on.

And I'm not sure I agree that children won't learn to be tidy if you aren't. My two best friends are supremely tidy and grew up in untidy houses.

I however am a slattern and grew up in a tidy house

I do however think you cannot berate a child for being untidy if your house and bedroom almost never are. I mean... no clean sheets for guests? Ugh

WTF. What a nasty thing to do. How would she feel if you posted pics of her house all over Facebook, complaining about the mess and tagged her in them?! Massive breach of your DN's privacy and especially horrible as she already suffers from anxiety.

I'd definitely make a comment under the post defending DN (even if you don't bring up the tip the rest of the house is in - just something like "wow that's mean - we're all guilty of being messy sometimes, I would hate to have my messy teenage bedroom broadcast to the world").

Also I know it's hardly the point but surely DN can keep a messy room if she likes (presuming it's not mouldy or hoarding all the mugs in the house). It's hardly like their going to be ding a family christmas inside anyone's bedroom.