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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not be completely happy I'm pregnant?

23 replies

Jellymuffin · 20/12/2016 07:54

Background - my husband and I have DS3.5. Up until this month we had been trying for a baby (since July). It all got a bit intense and I began to worry about finances even though we had figured it all out (massively risk averse!) and we decided to stop. Well I got a shock last night! My husband is away with work and I realised I had no idea when my period was due. I POAS and found I was pregnant! I was so so disappointed in previous months and now I am I'm terrified! It's so stupid! How can a few weeks make such a difference to my feelings!? Please pile on to tell me I'm being silly and totally unreasonable. Had a sleepless night and feeling very alone.

OP posts:

mumwhatnothing · 20/12/2016 07:57

It is not unreasonable to feel the way you do. Life changes our outlook on things and just as we feel we have made prgress and decisions on one course, things change again.

Be true to yourself and figure out what you want and discuss it with your husband and make even more plans. But don't think your feelings are wrong, they just are what they are.

YokoUhOh · 20/12/2016 07:57

I've got a similar gap between DS1 and 2 and it's been the best thing ever. DS1 is old enough to help out and DS2 worships him. And it's been lovely enjoying a snuggly baby again this year, really truly lovely.

Congratulations, it's normal to be apprehensive but if you were planning a baby at some point then this is an ideal time to go ahead

RicStar · 20/12/2016 07:59

I think it's a very normal reaction. Pregnancy is hard and lovely as are children. I am sure some excitement will follow as does sound like this is what you want.

Scooby20 · 20/12/2016 07:59

I was the same. Hot pregnant with my second a few days after deciding to stop trying. I wasn't totally happy. I had decided that I quite liked our life as dd got older and was less dependent.

My thinking was 'well it's tough now' and just took each day as it comes. Ds is now 5 and I have never regretted him. I can't imagine life without him. The baby years were hard. I don't really like small babies anyway. But totally worth it.

Hope you feel better soon

Temporaryname137 · 20/12/2016 08:01

Shock and hormones are probably part of how you are feeling. When you've had chance to talk to your DP and get used to the idea, you may well be able to feel excited.

Your DS will be thrilled I'm sure; that's a lovely age gap. As for finances, well, if you waited for the perfect time to have a baby, it'd never happen! Non-alcoholic

Original poster

Jellymuffin · 20/12/2016 08:01

My husband is over the moon and I must admit our usually amazing relationship became a tiny bit frosty when I said I wasn't sure anymore. It weird, I was still umming and ahhing and not sure if my choice at all. I have anxiety and it takes over, makes me shut down and want to keep everything the same. Thankyou Yokouhoh, that's just what I need to hear .

OP posts:

ConvincingLiar · 20/12/2016 08:03

It's a mean trick of the universe to give you the thing you really wanted just after you stop wanting it. That said, you'll come round to it. It doesn't sound like anything has changed to make it a terrible idea to have a second child. Don't panic!

Original poster

Jellymuffin · 20/12/2016 08:03

Speaking of hormones, all the lovely kind replies are making me cry!!!

OP posts:

ScruffbagsRUs · 20/12/2016 08:14

You don't have to be happy to be pregnant. It's not an imperative thing. A lot of society expect women to be happy to be pregnant, and some even think there's something wrong if your not happy to be having a baby.

FWIW, I wasn't happy either when pg with my 2, but I wouldn't change a thing now, because I realise it was my hormones pissing me about rather than genuine dread LOL.

Biking007 · 20/12/2016 08:18

It's a great age gap. I was similar we "stopped" I got promotion at work then wham was expecting. Mine are 5 & 9.5yrs now and fab. The second was SO much easier baby than the first. I loved my mat leave as the oldest started school 2wks after baby born and we had a ready made routine to the day around school run. Hope it works out for you.

Original poster

Jellymuffin · 20/12/2016 08:22

It doesn't help that my car was written off by another driver last week so have had to buy a new one! I had all the finances worked out and still lost my nerve, now I have this extra expense to deal with and there's no going back!!!

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 20/12/2016 08:23

Your situation is similar to mine. Ds is 6 and dh and I were discussing whether we wanted another or not. In the end we decided to let fate take its course, not 'try' as such but if it happened it happened. Neither of us was really expecting anything as I'm almost 38, have pcos and it took more than 2 years to conceive ds. Anyway, 3 months later - BFP. Neither of us was 'ready' that soon and I can't say I was elated. I worried so much about our ds and the impact on our family. We'd just got to the point where we'd regained a bit more freedom, ds regularly had lovely lie ins, life had become lot easier etc.

The first trimester my feelings were all over the place. I felt totally different to when I discovered I was pregnant with ds (I was on cloud 9 from day one with him) and felt guilty both for ds who would see his world change and for the baby, because it wasn't his/ her fault.

Anyway, pregnancy is 9 months long for a reason. It allows you to come to terms, plan, prepare etc. I'm now sat here with our 3 week old dd snoozing on my chest and she's the most beautiful thing I've seen since ds was born! Ds adores her, helps as much as possible and will want to protect her and love her long after dh and I are gone in years to come. I won't lie, at times so far the transition has been hard. Last night was a low point (witching hour lasted 8pm till 1am) and ds has had a blip in his behaviour towards us, though not his new sister - acting out to get attention (he's already coming through the other side). But do I regret it? Not a chance.

Original poster

Jellymuffin · 20/12/2016 08:28

Thankyou so much for the reassurance! It really is helping. I can't wait until DH comes home, I feel a bit in limbo.

OP posts:

macromolecule · 20/12/2016 08:32

OP, I discovered I was pregnant the day before now xdh's appointment for a vasectomy dropped on the doormat. I was horrified!

Well that baby is now 19 and I wouldn't have changed anything. I love him so much! You will be fine.

toptoe · 20/12/2016 08:40

You feel like you've lost control for a moment - I should think it's that rather than the pregnancy in itself. If you suffer anxiety the loss of control of your body is maybe the thing that is triggering your sense of panic/anxiety. However, once you adjust to the idea one day you'll wake up and be excited. If you start thinking about it all too much, stop that train of thought and take your mind off it doing something else.

NavyandWhite · 20/12/2016 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyRoseViolet · 20/12/2016 08:46

Please don't take this the wrong way, I realise it might sound ridiculous! I was only able to have one child and it made me sad for several years. We're very happy with our lovely teenage girl now though. However, we do have 2 dogs! Our first dog was 6 and I was massively cautious about getting another. DW was convinced it would be amazing. We took the leap and I can honestly say it has been the most glorious 18 mths! I know puppies and babies are different but I just wanted to say sometimes things really can work out so incredibly well despite early misgivings it just feels right and I feel strongly that your situation will have a similarly happy conclusion!

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 20/12/2016 08:48

I feel a bit the same. We hadn't stopped trying but I was umming and ahhing a bit. And now I'm pregnant I've remembered how bloody awful I feel for the first few months, and how hard newborns are, and and and... Plus it just feels like so many things could go wrong I find it really hard to actually look forward to a baby. We've got a dating scan this morning as I'm not sure how far along I am exactly and I'm terrified something will be wrong.

My DH is similar to yours - utterly delighted and can't seem to understand why I'm not dancing about.

So yes - I think mixed feelings for lots of reasons are totally normal. It doesn't mean you won't love your baby to bits once they arrive .

DeleteOrDecay · 20/12/2016 08:58

I cried when I found out I was pregnant with dc2, it was a wanted but very much surprise pregnancy and I was worried we wouldn't be able to cope financially and otherwise.

Dc2 is 18months old now and all is well. It's difficult at times (2.5yr age gap) but it hasn't been nearly as bad as I imagined and the strain on finances hasn't been as bad as I imagined either.

PlumsGalore · 20/12/2016 09:15

There is never a right time to have a baby, until that baby is born then it was always the right time you will be just fine x

MrsDallowaySaid · 20/12/2016 09:15

I needed to read this today. I am 22 weeks with unplanned second child, DD is 6. I am so up and down with my emotions, none of the unadulterated joy I had the first time! Rationally I know it will be OK but at the moment I am not so sure. I am finding all the attention and comments pregnancy brings really hard to deal with, everyone being so excited and talking about it all the time. Thank you for the wise words on Thai thread.

MrsDallowaySaid · 20/12/2016 09:16

This thread! Sorry, typo!

IndieBamBindi · 20/12/2016 09:34

Nope! Wish I could link my previous thread but can't do it on my phone.
Six weeks ago I was devastated and even phoned the Samaritans at some point.
I had such a terrible reaction and one I couldn't understand.
Slowly I have got my head around it and am approaching my 13 week scan and can feel slithers of excitement.
Goodluck op

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