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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm invisible!!

46 replies

McHammersTrousers · 19/12/2016 22:10

I'm feeling a bit down and sorry for myself.

I used to get plenty of attention on a night out, but now nobody notices. I realised that I'm finally getting old and it's starting to show.

I'm happily married, so would never act on it, but it's always nice to be paid a compliment.

The last time I went out I just felt completely invisible. I felt so old (I'm in my early 30's), and it's like I almost wasn't there at all.

Please tell me it gets better.

Feeling extremely sorry for myself and also a bit nostalgic for the good old days...

OP posts:

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 20/12/2016 00:29

It sounds like you're feeling down about yourself in general.

Sorry to sound clichéd, but if you're feeling down, you'll project that to others.

Book a babysitter and go on a date. Get dressed up, talk, make plans, have fun. Do things to look forward to.

You can enjoy life (I speak from experience)

Lorelei76 · 20/12/2016 00:35

My my my my (sorry couldn't resist)

Sometimes it's just coincidence. Some nights people compliment you lots, others not so.

Justaboy · 20/12/2016 00:38

I felt so old (I'm in my early 30's),

Doesn't make logical sense to me a 65 odd bloke, that's well very young early 30's!

But it feels real to you. I won't for a moment suggest your anything like depressed but it does seem that your not feeling too well somewhere . Have you thought about seeing your GP for a referral to a counselor or therapist?

Sizzledsticks · 20/12/2016 00:44

There's so much more to you than just your looks OP. Relying on them to boost your self esteem is a risky business because you're giving away all your power to other people and their judgement.

You really are still very young. And from my perspective women in their forties, fifties and beyond can be truly stunning. But confidence and a strong sense of self are part of that.

Maybe start planning how you are going to achieve your dreams is a starting point: save up for that trip of a lifetime; train for that dream career; learn to dance/act/sing whatever means something to you.

FranticalFidget · 20/12/2016 00:58

I look at it a different way.

I think predatory letches can smell weakness.

In my teens and early 20's I was desperate for validation. I needed people at me to 'prove' I was attractive. I must have looked like someone who wanted/ would put up with their attention.

Now? I'm a kick ass, fuck off faced woman who couldn't give a crap about what some random bloke thinks of my dress/hair/ass.

I actually buckets of self esteem now, despite being a few years older. And I think 'they' can tell :D

Bogeyface · 20/12/2016 01:02

I want to travel and enjoy life whilst I'm still young enough to enjoy it. My dh says it's tough. That's just how it is and I need to accept the fact that I won't have a 'life' for at least 17 years. I'm not ready to just accept it.

He is right in that you have a child and that means that your life changes, so you need to accept it.

However, that doesnt mean that you are not going to have a life of your own for another 16 years. You can still travel and the beauty of travelling with a young child is that you see it all through their eyes as well as your own, it can really open up the world in a way you didnt see before.

I suspect that part of the problem was that no one will pay attention to someone who looks grumpy because no one is paying them any attention!

sortthetacheoutbernard · 20/12/2016 01:09

Of course you can have a life as well as dc! I'm in my late forties, dress as I please (sod the rules) and get lots of attention from men older and younger than me!

I'm happily married so never act on it but enjoy the banter and the process of getting dressed up for a night out.

Equally I'm very happy if I don't get attention. Mostly I want a good laugh, chat and sometimes a dance with my friends.

Get your game on OP and have as much fun as you like

MrsBlennerhassett · 20/12/2016 01:11

My mum gets plenty of attention and shes nearly 70 lol!! because she has an amazing dress sense and is very charming. I look forward to getting older because i think my mum proves that its not about your youthful body but your actual personality and the way you express it!
I think you just need to re adjust to this and you will be fine!! Its not going to be the same as it used to be but that isnt bad. And you dont need to have no life for 17 years whats your husband on about?!?!

Original poster

McHammersTrousers · 20/12/2016 07:09

Thank you all for your replies. I need to accept that my life has changed and I can't do exactly what I wanted to do before I had a child. It's not that I need a man leering at me to make me happy, it's just that the last time I went out it started off great. My friend and I were just having a dance and a laugh and I didn't care what anyone thought of me, but then a young man my friend was talking to said he thought I was about 10 years older than my friend, (we're the same age) and it really made me depressed. I don't think I look like I'm in my 40's! He was an idiot and normally I don't care what people think of me, but it hit it home that I'm getting older and life is passing me by. There's still so much I want to do.

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 20/12/2016 07:11

We can't you travel with her though if you want to ?

DH and I have 3 under 5 and have a 5 year plan to save then travel for a year with them (we met travelling). We will ask work for 12 months off, fx they approve it rather than us having to resign then re-apply.

A couple at a toddler class have just gone to to NZ with their 2 toddlers. Tbh I want to wait until the children will actually remember and they are not in nappies but either way it can be done.

Nellyphants · 20/12/2016 07:15

Still young enough to enjoy it - at 32!! I'm at the hugely decrepit age of 48. I still enjoy travel. What do you think happens when you get older, other than being older??

Costacoffeeplease · 20/12/2016 07:19

When you're my age (51) you'll look back and laugh at the way you feel now

Getting older is great, you stop caring about stuff like that and other people's opinions. I genuinely don't give a fuck any more. I look after my skin, dye my hair, wear make up - but for me not for any random fuckwits who I wouldn't even give the time of day

FourToTheFloor · 20/12/2016 07:34

This is going to sound harsh but you sound extremely vain and shallow. I still get attention and I'm very late 30s with a 15 month old and 6 yo so l do look like shit a lot of the time!

You've probably focused on the one extremely good looking guy who probably wouldn't have noticed you in your early 20s either (sorry).

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2016 07:36

he thought I was about 10 years older than my friend

lovelearning · 20/12/2016 08:16

I don't care what people think of me

Your self-worth is determined by you.

You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.

Beyoncé Knowles

pluck · 20/12/2016 08:55

Being invisible on a night out is nothing (if anything, it's a lind of independence!). Ot's being invisible in other parts of your life that you ought to be discontented about.

Lorelei76 · 20/12/2016 09:50

"Thank you all for your replies. I need to accept that my life has changed and I can't do exactly what I wanted to do before I had a child"

I have to admit to being confused by this - you knew that before??

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 20/12/2016 10:07

I am forty in Feb, I have never been a stunner, although people say I am attractive. When I was younger I was never comfortable, now I have a few lines in more confident. Getting older happens and it might get to you a bit in the moment, but being a parent means you just have to work a bit harder for what you want for yourself. If you want it you will do it and my lines are from smiling and laughing. I love smiling and laughing my head off. Like a previous poster said, the really good looking blokes wouldn't have noticed me in my twenties, but I never struggled and luckily my husband was good looking and interested. But he was also great company and intelligent, looks fade sure, but personalities keep evolving.

Squills · 20/12/2016 10:08

I'm 61 and certainly don't feel invisible.

Stop fixating on your age - how on earth can you call yourself old in your early 30's!

EnormousTiger · 20/12/2016 10:29

Mc is it sexism and lack of feminism which is your problem though? I have tyravelled all over for business trips whilst a mother of small children (I always worked full time) from Iran to Nigeria. The only thing stopping you being in a job with some business trips is surely sexism at home?

ALso even at my age over 50 I get male attention if I want it and that's very simple - large breasts and always has been and high heels never hurt if you can be bothered to get the male attention. I don't particularly seek it yet almost every time I go out cycling some man or other shouts out of the window. My teenagers think I make it up as no one shouts at them - they are male.....

Manijo · 20/12/2016 10:33

Get a grip woman. I'm 52 and certainly don't feel invisible. Why no life for the next 17 years? We have lived and travelled round the world with our two. still always had nights out. did lots of flirting without touching.

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