Too be annoyed by dh's response?

[tooneedyme]

Dh does nothing at home and never organises anything for us to do as a family (ds4 and dd1).

I've arranged a really special day out for all of us this week and put alot of effort into booking activities for us to do (which I've told him about). I said tonight that I was really looking forward to it and asked if he was and he said, "I don't know what it's going to be like do I so how can I look forward to it?" I a really hurt and upset by this as if nothing else it will be a festive day out with his family and I have explained all the activities and ran the past him that he thinks they are a good idea and he agreed to them all.

I once sat in on a chronic pain clinic.

Roughly there were two types of patients:

The first type would follow your instructions to the letter, come back having really really tried with physio, or swimming or whatever, appreciated there was no magic wand and was genuinely trying to make the best of life. They struggled to hold down jobs despite horrible pain. If they didn't have one, they really wished they could have one. They were a joy and made us feel sad we didn't have anything better to offer.

Then there was everyone else. You knew they hadn't tried anything and they knew we knew. They probably could do more than they told us - in fact the clinic was next to the car park so sometimes we could see people putting on their limps as they came round the corner. Everything was our fault for not fixing it, nothing worked, usually being abandoned after one tablet, or not turning up to. Nobody had a job, it was madness to even suggest any form of movement. This group just made us feel sad.

Chronic pain is a miserable horrible condition but different people have different responses to it. If your DH thinks it gets him out of all family life and means you all have to tiptoe about feeling sorry for him all the time, then you have a very hard marriage ahead of you.

hes prob sick of being in pain-it really isnt that bad

sorry my dh says things like this all the time so im desensitised to it

Yeah, I'm really wondering what kind of "chronic pain" he has and what steps he's been taking to remedy it. It sounds like he's got you right where he wants you, though.

Wolper you are so right.

To the people say he sounds depressed ... No he doesn't .

There are clinical signs & symptoms of depression & this man doesn't fit the diagnosis .

Treating people for depression is my job & I can't stand it when people jump on the they "sound depressed" band wagon.

It really does nothing for those who experience the illness.

Also being in pain is not an excuse for behaving so awfully.

I can say that because as a HCP I also have a chronic pain condition myself .

He has had major surgery for his pain but given up trying anything else. He is acting the victim this morning and said "I've had enough of you. And you can walk about and sulk all you want. If we have to go our separate ways in this house that's fine I'll look after they children and we'll just do our own thing." We have had several altercations lately like at the weekend when he asked if I was taking his car somewhere (we normally use his car rather than mine as it's a hybrid so economical) and I asked why. He said, "Just asking." I then said, "But why?" In case I shouldn't take it and he started shouting that I should just give up, just leave it and stop going on and on. My 4 year old told him to stop shouting. He is wonderful with the children and we can have some lovely times but it's lie an emotional rollercoaster.

Dear lord you have married fil. Total eeyore personality. Rarely smiles. Always looks on the negative side. Saps joy. Dh has reacted against this and is relentlessly upbeat and lives life to the full hence why is my Dh. We both struggle with spending any time with " it will probably rain" fil.

He has had major surgery for his pain but given up trying anything else.

Oh dear. Was he banking on the surgery to be the cure for his pain? My memories on it are a little fuzzy, but when I went on an NHS course for chronic pain sufferers (as a patient) a few years back the doctor who came in to speak to us discussed the merits of surgery and patient attitudes towards it. All very complicated and situational but the gist of it seemed to be that a lot of people place a lot of hope in a surgical solution and often pushed for it, while the reality of surgery could be a lot more complicated.

Does he think that if the surgery didn't 'work' then nothing else will? I don't know your husband's health problems but I rely on careful daily exercises, adjustments (ergonomic chair/pillow/good mattress) and a range of similar small things to lessen my pain as much as possible. There has to be a willingness on our part to try. Before receiving the resources and education my group did I know a lot of us, in the back of our minds, thought of surgery as the gold-standard and other things as frustrating trifles that couldn't possibly help as much as suggested.

It's hard, OP. It's not fair for you to have to deal with the shouting and the rest. That's not on. I know how shit it is to be in pain every day but it's not okay to keep people hostage to your moods and to yell and drag things down on purpose. Not okay at all. Maybe he's fallen into the trap of 'Well whatever I say or do it's not as bad as being me and being in pain all the time, so don't complain about my behaviour.'

Is he depressed, has he been assessed for depression? I am suffering a major bout of depression at the moment and DH keeps asking me "am I ok?", "am I looking forward to a day off?", "did I enjoy having my hair done?" - all of which I'd normally respond saying how fab it is to have some me time or isn't it lovely for little ones at Xmas but at the moment all I can think is today will be slightly less bad that it could have been and I can't look further than tomorrow as it terrifies me.

Does he take opiate based painkillers for chronic pain?

No opiates and yes he seems depressed at times.