to expect a little consideration?

[VelvetSpoon]

Recently I had to go to A&E with acute chest / upper back pains. These were diagnosed as suspected gallstones. I was supposed to be referred for an ultrasound, but apparently my GP knew nothing of this, so now I've got to wait for an appt for her before I get referred...no idea when I'll have the scan.

Anyway, I've been ok since until this weekend, when I had another attack which was horrible. I was away at the time but everyone was really nice to me, and thankfully because I had tablets on me, the worst of the pain receded after about 30-40 mins.

So I've not been in great health. I also work ft in a pretty high stress demanding role, the kind of thing where I am constantly expected to do everything, know the answer to everything and solve everyone's problems.

I have 2 teen DC who do jobs at home only when asked/ with detailed instructions. As mentioned I was away this weekend. I spoke to eldest on the way home yesterday and said could he please have a tidy up.

Got in yesterday to house like a tip. The clean washing up on the side on Fri was still there; dirty washing up from Fri to Sun on the worktop. Recycling piled up, bin full. Worktops covered in crumbs etc. Bathroom - empty bottles, laundry on floor. No washing done in my absence either.
Won't say anything about their rooms other than that they weren't pretty.

So I lost my rag with them and have cut the internet off until further notice. Had to clean up myself as needed to cook dinner. They helped, unwillingly and have since just moaned about how unfair it all is.

Even my bf having a word with them didn't help. I could do without all the conflict just before Xmas but I really don't feel I'm expecting too much - or am I?

Old enough to be left alone = old enough to keep house properly.

no yanbu - I had a hospital apt today and when I got back both teens had cleaned the house top to bottom

they are 12 and 14 - I had asked them to tidy up as we had guests (and many kids) round last night - I wasn't expecting such a brilliant job

Teens should help out - they are perfectly capable

I would go nuts aswell op if this was me.
I deliberately called eldest ds (18)downstairs twice yesterday morning for him to flush the loo he's just been in and then to pick his dirty socks and top up off the kitchen floor and wipe his tea bag stains off the floor as he dribbled it to the bin.
Really gets my goat but I make a point now of calling them down for one thing at a time and calmly tell them what they've left behind or made a mess of.
Sometimes it feels easier to just do it but it's not teaching them how to be self sufficient and anyway this is my home not a bloody hotel with paid staff.
I'm with you op. Have a bunch of

Bloody hell ghosty, mine are 18 and 15, and the best I ever get is a tidy up of kitchen and lounge (and their own rooms), and sometimes vacuuming. They have never cleaned the bathrooms, though sometimes they will line up all the bottles / throw away empty ones.

This weekend I didn't even get that, even though they knew I'd been ill.

The internet ban continues. They did some tasks yesterday, but I suspect only because they want the internet back rather than to help. They've done nothing today again. Their argument is I haven't sent them a list of what they need to do, but should I really need to? I'm at work, I have enough to do without writing them daily lists!

Do them a list.

They have to learn somewhere. And kids are used to learning to/from lists with syllabuses etc.

They are clearly not self motivated. And you are getting unhappy with lack of cleaning. So make them a list of what needs doing. Refusing to do so is citing youe nose off to spite your face.

Yes you can argue they shouldn't need a list. But they are your children. And still children. So teach them what needs doing in a house from today onwards.

Sorry saw one is 18. So not still a child. Just lazy. But still you need to change their lazy and entitled behaviour some how.

How long does a list take to write?

2 minutes max. Worth it in my eyes

Write a permanent list, assign them chores daily or weekly. If they don't do chores without being reminded, then issue sanctions. Loving the lack of Internet, that's probably very effective. Is the 18 year old working? Start charging rent! I'm mean!

YANBU

As teenagers we knew that if my DM was ever away it was expected she returned to a clean and tidy house. You are right to show them there are consequences. Do they really not know what needs to be done? I would tell them that at their age they need to be able to do it without a list, and if they are that clueless you will give them several days supervised practice where they do everything so that in future they will know.

The 18yo doesn't work...that is a whole other thread! Hopefully starting a job in Jan. At which point he will be paying me some of it, as having lost his CB and my council tax discount, and being asked constantly for petrol money, I am worse off than previously, which can't continue forever.

I actually don't think they do know. Like if I said, clean a room (bathroom, kitchen, whatever), without breaking it down they would at best put stuff in cupboards and rubbish in bin. They wouldn't clean a room unless I said clean X room as they seem unable to notice mess. And even if I said clean it, I have to list ever single thing I want doing. If I said wash up, I'd have to say make sure theyve looked in the living room or on the table for cups. And I'd also have to say to put it away.

By the time I've done such exhaustive lists it's almost easier to do it all myself.

Oh dear Velvet , it sounds like there is a way to go. I am sure you can turn them around though....hopefully someone on here will have a way of waking them up to the obvious. I once decided with a flatware that instead of asking him to do things, I would ask him to make a list of what things he thought needed doing. Now, we would be able to write that down straight off. He was looking around the house....obviously looking at items and thinking what they might involve!

Flatmate.....not sure what flatware is!

balyisiana, flatware is the posh word for cutlery. ;)

OP, I'm sorry to say your children are very lazy. Sounds time for a strike on your part, methinks!

There are lots of cleaning breakdown lists on Pintrest or Google if you don't have Pintrest. You can get them to search and print them out rather than you doing a list. They have to learn, my 4 year old complains all the time about tidying up his stuff and doing his household jobs (very simple ones) but I remind him that we all live here and we all need to keep a nice house. I am not a slave!

No you are not being unreasonable. Teenagers are tossers. I hear it gets better. here's to that thought!

I'd do a list and specify for each room what to do. I'd also stand over them the first time. E.g. 'Vacuum living room' means pulling the furniture out from the wall and cleaning behind it. I'd time how long it takes so that in future you know if they're slacking. I suggest this as a veteran of many shared houses: some people will always do the bare minimum if they can get away with it.

I've given up with my older 2. Oldest one on particular. Every room she has ever occupied looks like a shit tip within days. Never has picked up, washed up or anything else. She is back from uni and working from home. Looking ahead we are moving next year and leaving the pair of them. So I am going to luxuriate in my clean house and leave them to it.

Now there's an idea... move. Brilliant

They're being more difficult than normal, eldest in particular. Not quite sure why, but he is very snippy with me, and argumentative. Like last night, I'd said I was sorting out some washing and asked him to put it on please (he agreed). I'd taken it downstairs then found another couple of items (think pair of socks and tshirt) which I just bundled up and threw towards him. Not hard, and it didn't hit him, but he went off like a rocket, how dare I throw things at him, I wouldn't like it, how awful it was....

Really, I can do without all this shit, I have enough crap to deal with at work.

I will generate them a list though. It will save me time having to send them a lengthy text on a daily basis.

As to what they do all day...not much. Sleep/ watch TV. Or do about 30mons house work when pushed. Obviously the younger one is normally at school, but they broke up last week, so now he's doing the same. Ugh.

Saw a good idea online somewhere . . . Internet password provided once chores were done, when parent is at work photographic proof is sent! A photo of each room tidy, being a tricky mum I would also dictate a random item in each photo so that earlier photos could not be reused!

Good luck!

A list for an 18 year old?!

I was living with DH (DP then) at 18, should he have had to leave me a cleaning list? Or is it just men that are accepted not to have any common sense?

These boys (and one is an adult!) are not unintelligent. They know what needs doing, they just don't want to. It sounds like laziness.

I have a couple of DC like this (albeit slightly younger). I have tried lots. Chore charts ( magnetic whiteboard on fridge), rewarding with money, withholding money/phone, shouting, huffing, grounding - lots.

The two that were most effective was loss of phone for one and money for the other. I simply said I can't do it, if they won't do it, I'll get a cleaner. No problem. Except it will cost money therefore none to give them. They made more of an effort at least.

The other thing that worked - when I had done a big tidy/clean and the rooms looked great (especially their room), I took a photo and printed it off as a poster with #SquadGoals written underneath it. It was stuck to their bedroom door. This apparently was very embarrassing in front of their friends. If the room looked like the photo, the poster could come down

At 18/16 though they shouldn't need "gimmicks" it's a matter of respect. They don't respect you enough to clean up after themselves so why should you fund them? No more petrol money. They are nearly (or actually) adults. They have to grow the fuck up. Your future DILS (or SILS) will thank you.

I would cut off funding of them completely - whether this is pocket money, petrol money, phones or internet. Use the money to actually get a cleaner?