To only allow ex midweek contact with the kids with prior notice?

[RaisinBread]

So background exH and I split up last July. We moved back in together for short time this September and then I made him leave late October due to his irrational nasty behaviour towards me which involved him storming off most nights down to his cocaine and alcohol addiction. He is not paying me maintenance for our three children and won't commit to a schedule to see the children. I am happy for him to see them Saturday and Sunday on week and Sunday the following on a two-week rota, which was the routine prior to briefly getting back together. No overnight stays. He currently doesn't have a vehicle that will sit all 3 children so only sees two at a time. He isn't currently working but living off of the money from the house sale of the home we lived in together for 6 years, which he has sole access to. He still has the keys to the property that I'm now souly renting despite me requesting them back several times and him leaving 6 weeks ago.

So receive this message from MIL who I DO get on with.

Hi Raisin hope your ok. Feel I need to say what I'm thinking....... John (not real name) tells me he can't see the children during the week unless you have a months notice. This is a very difficult time for them and Sam (not real name) is showing definite signs of upset which I am concerned about. I understand if you have plans that's fine but I don't think it's fair on them to prevent them seeing him if he is able to. xx

to which I replied.

Hi MIL I just want my life back if i'm honest. Which involves John contacting me as little as possible. I don't want to have contact midweek, weekly. I find it extremely stressful. A set plan which we stick to is the best option all around.

Him seeing all 3 children on a weekly basis at set times and set days (weekends) works well. As it sets up stability and routine for us all.

I can enjoy my week time with the children. As I also work and do all the nursery runs school drop offs etc. I really actually want my "none stressful time" with the children to be my time. In the way that John gets his time at the weekends, with none of the daily stress. I want a nice time I can look forward to without someone I dislike and don't get on with getting involved.

I want my own routine with the children. and my time with them to be enjoyable.

John is free to have them both days over the weekend every weekend if wants to see them more?

Yes Sam is upset and John and I really don't get on at all. I actually become agitated and unhappy when I have contact with him. So eliminating (weekly) contact between myself and John will actually benefit Sam. As I am his main carer. I'm going to be much more tolerent of his outburst if i'm not upset by John.

Also a steady routine with a drop off and pick up which involves little to no interaction between myself and John would be massively helpful to us all.

John can see the children more over holidays. There are 14 weeks a year of which the children are off school. He is more than welcome to pre-plan some blocks of week days in these weeks to see the children. Then they know what's going on and I can plan my time away from the children how I wish.

I see nothing unreasonable about the above. I'm not stopping him from doing anything. I'm setting boundaries and rules so that we all know where we stand.

I hope that clears things up x

Am I being unreasonable not letting exH See the children midweek at short notice?

Bits to add I have contacted CSA to collect maintece on my behalf. Sam is starting ELSA workshops at school next term to help him deal with his emtions, he's 9.

Jamie the OP has an alcoholic and drug addicted ex who is paying no maintenance.

He has behaved inan aggressive and erratic manner (which may well be the reason for the breakdown of the relationship and the break up of the family home- or at least contributed to it).

Do you really think the OP is unreasonable for wanting the one bit of this shit storm that she can control, time with the kids and her ex (and which he may also be using to distress her) to run in a way acceptable to her?

She is paying the bills, working, arranging childcare and offering him the weekends, the fun times; she has also offered him other times he could not be arsed to arrange on advance.

And now he has got his mummy involved because in between not working, drinking and taking drugs he cannot be arsed to organise anything himself!

I think this OP is a saint to put up with this shitbag!

"Deal MIL. Thanks for your input. When John is off the cocaine and alcohol, and can commit to and stick to a regular schedule with regards the children then I will take your comments on board. Cheers, Raisin".

Absolutely this ^

OP Maybe the counselling will have to wait until things calm doesn't... OR if you can speak to GP and this is medical counselling your work might give you time off to attend.

Just be aware.

Speak to GP if appropriate.

If you 'implode' due to stress your job, and most of all kids*, will not benefit.

If counselling is in hospital or GP setting you might not even be required to say to work what 'medical appointment' is for.

Raisin, do you think your GP might be able to prescribe you low dose 'in pocket therapy' Valium? You don't have to take it but you know it's there in your pocket and if the worst happens you have something to stop the panic. Just knowing it's there lessens panic symptoms. I also have a situation I often have to be in which makes me panicky and it really can help. Might be worth a try.

Bill and IGH Thank you I definitely will look into both your suggestions re GP.

Raisin I had CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for anxiety almost 20 years ago, it worked brilliantly.

Good luck.

Can you suggest how I should improve the arrangement?

Would,you want to go a full week without contact with your other parent?

Can MIL not facilitate midweek contact? Could she collect from school, do yea and then you pick,up before bed?

needsahalo "Would,you want to go a full week without contact with your other parent?"

It depends really if the other parent is a fit person to be around kids. He doesn't sound very nice. The kids might be quite happy to see less of him.

I always wonder in situations like this is the kids realise when one parent isn't paying maintenance etc. My friend's ex is paying maintenance but the kids cannot afford holidays etc, but dad still has them with his new partner.

If he's not fit to have his children, why is the OP offering contact? But only contact on her terms?

My children know their father doesn't pay maintenance but that doesn't undermine their relationship because that's not their problem. Their father does it to piss me off, not them! As they get older they will, I hope, u derstand who really cared for them but that shouldn't ruin their relationship with dad,

The cocaine and alcohol binges are ruining their relationship with their dad, not the OP.

needsahalo I am sorry your ex is not paying maintenance. To me a parent who fundamentally fails their children in this way (and for the reason you say) really does not deserve a relationship with their kids IMHO.

I understand you facilitate a relationship and I would too under those circumstances but I would certainly do it on my terms when I was juggling all the finances, work, childcare and the 'hard work' of parenting.

In my opinion, as the OPs ex is a lazy shit and very unpleasant (and is causing her mental health issues) in her shoes I would absolutely have contact on my own terms.

It can't be all about the kids, sometimes the needs of the parent, who is holding it all together, have to be taken into consideration.

I really hope one day children of dad's like this will realise and reject them. It is not right dads can get the pleasure of parenting without any of the work. It is deeply misogynistic. But that is just my view!

Needsahalo - as a child who's father didn't pay maintenance, I can categorically tell you it does have an impact.

Of course the loss of money affects people, what a ridiculous thing to say.

Italia, if that's the case, then for me they would only be in supervised contact! However OP is quite happy to allow the father unsupervised contact.

maintenance also has nothing to do with the father seeing the children.

You need to discuss this with the children, it's what they want, not you and your needs, if you can't face seeing them, then get someone else to do the handover, or he could collect them from school mid week.

You asked my opinion and I've given it. You don't have to agree with it however.

The way I read OP the main reason she is saying weekend schedule and no mid weeks is because ex will not create a predictable routine contact schedule, so she has had to.

Ex is wanting ad hoc mid week contact set up with her as and when he feels like it, which means she has to deal with communications and negotiations with him and prepping children whenever he feels the urge. Stressful for her when trying to cope with a break up and manage three kids alone, and as a single parent she is getting no child free time at all as ex is not taking all three children at once, so is also facilitating him there at cost to herself.

She has set up weekend visits despite his issues staying sober but not agreeing to overnights which looks like a good balance of valuing the children's contact with dad while managing their safety. She is also saying she If ok with more contact IF ex will commit to a planned in advance consistent schedule. He is choosing not to do that.

Not sure how much more reasonable OP could be!

Jamie I respect your opinion but , surprise surprise, disagree, to some extent.

Contact is for the benefit of the children. And they need stability. Their father has, it appears, instability as a middle name. So letting him run the show is like putting the elephants in charge of the zoo!

I think he should see them for their benefit despite not doing the real parenting (maintenance and care) for them.

However, the OP has every right to control how that works since his shit presence in their family life is affecting her mental health. And any serious threat to that will massively effect the children.

Men and women who cannot, or do not, care for their kids, who cannot prioritize their needs (and providing for the children is a huge part of being a parent) lose their children to the care system.

My son joined is by adoption so I have read stories of how birth parents failed their kids.

Don't you think this father is failing his kids, massively?

If it were not for the fact his ex wife is caring for them physically, earning the money, feeding them and arranging (and presumably paying for) suitable child care, then he too might well never see his kids.

It is only because the OP is being a grown up that he can have the luxury of seeing his kids.

It has to be on her terms because he had taken himself our of the equation and is, effectively, behaving like a child - IMHO

Would mil be willing to pick kids up one night a wk for dinner and return them at bedtime? Then he could see them and mil might stick to routine better?

Allthewaves if the MIL is willing to do this (and might be free in the afternoon) and as the father is not working, OP I would only consider this if it helps you. At the end of the day I would only do what works for you. Might it give you a chance to see a counselor if it was a daytime visit? OP do what suits you, you are holding it all together.