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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum has lost her mind??!

26 replies

torroloco · 19/12/2016 00:00

I made a thread here last week about my Mum wanting me to host Christmas this year- the reason being she is sick of doing it for us all "to just fuck off on Boxing Day". Both me, DBro and DF work- they go back on boxing day and I need to come back Boxing Day to sort my cat/flat and do last bits before I go away with the family I work for on the 27th early doors.

My heating is broken in my flat, LL says it wont be sorted until NY (although I plan on calling Citizens Advice tomorow to see what I can do about this) and my cooker is tiny and unreliable

. She turned up unannounced this week (after ignoring texts and calls)- claimed my Dad would fix the heating (which would invalidate my tenancy im sure and others here agree with that) and would replace my oven as a Christmas present (which as others have pointed out its the LLs property and therefore she cant). I told her it just wasnt pratical and that id come home on my days off (Tues-Thurs this week) and would help her make a Christmas dinner then. Again this apparently also isnt reasonable as Christmas is a time for "family". She has point blank refused to do anything at their place and snubbed the idea of meeting somewhere for Xmas Dinner as it isnt "traditional". It is a 3hr drive away.

We had an argument and she left with her tail between her legs. Spoke to DF who agrees with my suggestion of coming home this week and has agreed to take time off work with DBro (they own a business together) which is inpratical just before Christmas as it is leaving them short staffed and he has already agreed to 2 employees having time off with their families leaving just two staff for 2 days for what could be one of the busiest weeks of the year.

I texted Mum the other day to say id be home Monday evening- she didnt reply until tonight and has told me not to bother coming and she will send me a cheque in the mail as apparently "nothing she will buy me will be good enough anyway" when I merely pointed out to her that she cant replace my LLs property.

AIBU to think my Mum has lost her mind and just give up and tell DF and DBro they might as well just work this week as she has made me feel really unwelcome? DF has pissed me off a bit as well as he hasnt bothered to call or text me since I spoke to him after arguing with Mum and im sure hes aware what shes done.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 19/12/2016 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf · 19/12/2016 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

haveacupoftea · 19/12/2016 00:10

Stay at home for xmas with DF. Tell your mum if she wants to come she can let you know by Friday. Don't go to her house, she doesn't want you there!

Cherrysoup · 19/12/2016 00:11

She's really trying to make a point, isn't she? I've learnt over the years that df will sheep-like follow dm for an easy life, so don't expect him to cause ructions. What will you do now? I think your mother is being completely ridiculous, btw. She could buy you a new cooker, but it would need to be correctly fitted and the ll would need to remove his, which isn't an issue.

RedNoseRumble · 19/12/2016 00:12

Can't your db host it? Or if it's not to late, as pp suggested, try to find a restaurant and tell your df that's what you're thinking of doing?

Jenice · 19/12/2016 00:22

Sounds like your mother is feeling under appreciated and is trying to make a point that she wants you to take responsibility for it all this year. Try not to make too much of it and remember that there is always pressure to have a lovely family Christmas but sometimes you need to do something different. Be clear about the heating and cooker but try to find a compromise as these things can start off as a stupid disagreement but turn into more. You are all adults between you surely there is a compromise but failing that speak to bro to see what he suggests, after all he too has some responsibility in this.

ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2016 00:30

She really and truly is bat shit Shock

To those asking about DB - he lives with the pp's parents I think? And the mum won't have lunch "out"

PenguinsandPebbles · 19/12/2016 00:33

Your mum doesn't want to host Christmas

You don't either

Accept it's not happening at your house or hers

Get your brother to do to or go somewhere else

You can't just turn up at her house that is as unfair as her turning up at yours.

PenguinsandPebbles · 19/12/2016 00:35

She really and truly is bat shit

No it sounds like she doesn't want to host Christmas. What's crazy about that she doesn't have too

HateSummer · 19/12/2016 00:35

I still hold the same view as on the other thread.

Poor woman sounds lonely and under appreciated.

1horatio · 19/12/2016 00:38

Sounds rather crazy, tbh. Sorry.

haveacupoftea · 19/12/2016 00:39

She isn't batshit, she has quite cheeky children who it seems totally disregard her wishes!

1horatio · 19/12/2016 00:40

I understand her not wanting to host Christmas.

But the whole Christmas present and fixing your heating part? That's just madness, pure madness. But Christmas does tend to make people a bit crazy...

Astro55 · 19/12/2016 00:41

Poor woman pays for and hosts Christmas every year - no doubt does all the cooking shopping decorations and everything else - probably without a please or thank you - more of 'did you forget the cream again?'

For gods sake she's telling you she's fed up - she's done her bit and now you're all grown up its time to step up and take turns !!

oohlalala · 19/12/2016 00:42

Maybe go out for Christmas dinner instead?

TheRollingCrone · 19/12/2016 00:43

Fuck, she could be ill, feeling low as anything. Have any of you bothered to ask her?

ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2016 00:46

Penguin, op called her repeatedly and she wouldn't pick up- then she pitched up at op's door unannounced having done a very long drive

She's arguing about op's heating/oven - never mind that op lives in a small flat and has no space to host

She refuses to go out for a meal as it isn't "traditional"

The only thing she WILL accept is going to op's and this is completely impractical. Unless op serves a microwave meal of pot noodles. I'm sure that there would be an argument about food too if op did do this.

In short, there is only ONE thing that the mum will find acceptable but, for various reasons, it isn't possible. And, just as the mother shouldn't be forced into hosting, op shouldn't be either.

So instead, the mother is arguing with op rather than try to seek a compromise and is cutting off her nose to spite her face. Yep, those are bat shit actions. There may well be something else going on which op isn't aware of, but these are not the actions of a currently rational person

ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2016 00:49

Looks like I'll have to agree to disagree with some of you Grin

ineedaholidaynow · 19/12/2016 00:51

Could she possibly be ill? Is this out of character for her?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 19/12/2016 00:53

It does sound like her grip on practicalities is lacking. I wonder if there's something going on that's making her panic about hosting.
Dementia starting would be the obvious although her driving with that's a worry Confused

GardenGeek · 19/12/2016 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/12/2016 00:55

Maybe go out for Christmas dinner instead?

Is this going to be up there with 'just cancel the cheque'?

OP - I completely agree that your mother is batshit. I don't buy that she is underappreciated because if she was she would have / should have said 'I feel very under-appreciated and Christmas is simply becoming too much. I therefore propose that we change tradition and do something else this year' ... leaving the way open for discussion and compromise.

However, she didn't do this. She forced an unworkable solution on the only other female in the family and has pooh-poohed other reasonable compromises. It's her way or the highway. She is bloody determined to be the Holy Martyr of Christmas.

I agree with posters who say 'fuck her' and do your own thing whether alone or with other members of your family (inviting her of course). Naturally, this will upset her, but then she seems determined to be upset and to upset everyone else too. Your DF will pacify her because I suspect he is getting an earful at home and just wants a quiet life with his food cooked and clothes washed - ditto DB. Honestly, I think this is part of the problem - it's not just about Xmas. She is maid to two men in her house and probably resents this - but insisting on the only other female taking over her burden isn't the solution. Dealing with the actual problem(s) in an intelligent way is and she's not doing this.

Ohdearducks · 19/12/2016 00:55

I understand why she doesn't want to do it but think she's being totally unreasonable in trying to force you to do it given how impractical it will be in your flat. You've made good alternative suggestions all of which she's turned down, I'd text her back
"I'm sorry to have upset you mum, I'm not trying to be difficult but it's just not practical to have Christmas at mine and whilst a new cooker would be a fantastic gift it's just not possible at the moment as I'd need to organise removal of the landlords cooker and it's proving hard enough just to try and get him to fix the heating!
Thank you for the offer of a cheque but it's really not necessary, I'm sorry again, hope you manage to have a nice Christmas with Dad."

Then make your own plans for a restaurant with your brother, leave the invitation open to them in case she changes her mind.

ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2016 00:59

Ducks that's a brilliant approach- and a very reasonable text

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2016 01:14

I remember the other thread.

All in all, I'm inclined to think that there's something wrong with your mum. She just seems to be blowing this all out of proportion and being somewhat unreasonable. Could she be depressed or having some type of MH issue? Recent shock or anxiety?

It would be reasonable for her to say 'I'm done!' if she feels unappreciated. I don't have a problem with that after being the 'main cook and bottle washer' for Xmas forever. But it is not reasonable to expect someone else to host a full Xmas dinner in an unheated flat with no oven. It is not reasonable to accept what the 'new host' offers as an alternative (meal out).

At this point I think the only thing you can do is to tell her that, if she won't allow you to do all the work at hers, Xmas dinner will have to be cancelled this year and you will host next year when hopefully you'll have heat and a new oven.