So hurt...why would they do that. AIBU?

[Faithnotfear]

3 years ago today we lost our dad to cancer. He was a wonderful man that many people loved and it was obviously a huge loss for all of us. I had a really close relationship with my dad and it hit me hard and I still find it very painful. Everyone knows this.
We've never had a particularly close family but I would say we get on ok. We all live within a mile radius and I thought we enjoyed each other's company. My mum is obviously on her own now and so my brother has invited her over this evening so she's not by herself which I think is really nice. The thing is, I'm also on my own and grieving, but they haven't invited me. I can't figure out why and I've got mixed emotions of upset, anger, offence and sadness. It's made me feel like shit to be quite honest. It's been planned all week, I just thought perhaps it had taken them a while to mention it, but no, my mum has just said she's off there this evening without even asking what I'm doing.
I'm trying really hard not to make this about me and therefore don't really want to mention it, but I'm gutted. The angry side of me wants to f*ck them all off next week and not even spend Christmas Eve with them which is all we've got planned over Christmas. Now i know that's being unreasonable and will try and get over myself on that one! But I was already a bit upset that they had left me and my mum to it on Christmas Day (it's just the two of us as my son is at his dads). But I just feel this really is a bit too far especially at this time of year. AIBU? Need a bit of help processing my thoughts on this one. Thank you x

I also think you should ask if you can join them. I bet it's just a thoughtless misunderstanding and that they haven't excluded you on purpose

OP, you will be seeing your mother this afternoon and your brother will see her this evening - that sounds good to me. I am sorry that you feel left out (does your brother ever come with you to lay flowers, did you invite him today?) but as pp have said, it really doesn't sound intentional.

Is your brother single or does he have a family too? What would you normally do at Christmas (you do mention that you are not close)? Please don't let your feelings over today affect Christmas because it really doesn't seem like an intentional exclusion. You are both seeing your mum today which is lovely for her.

I hope you are doing OK on what must be a difficult day for you.

Faith Could you text your brother and just say "Would it be ok to pop in tonight too? I'm on my own and could so with some company" or something similar?

And no, there is not a "correct" number of times you are allowed to visit your loved ones grave. I know someone a couple who visit their 14 year old dds grave every single day, she died 11 years ago. They can do what the heck they like!- It actually helps them and no one has the right to tell them they shouldn't be doing it.

I really cant believe what utter crap people post sometimes!

Did you invite your brother to lay flowers with you this afternoon? If not, then he might feel exactly the same as you do.

Most likely, you didn't invite him and he didn't invite you and it's not really a "let's make it into a big thing" occasion and you're all just trying to get through it.

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. It is clearly still very raw for you, and particularly as Christmas is just around the corner. That makes it extra difficult.

Ignore Ophelia's post. That was spectacularly unkind. I know plenty of people who visit graves and lay flowers several times a month, and others who hardly ever do. Either is normal and should not be judged.

I think you could ask if you can go too. Say that you are struggling too and are worried about being on your own tonight. It seems fair enough to me.

I doubt they have intended to hurt you, but they more than likely just haven't thought it through.

Your brother probably feels that you see your Mum a lot (which you do) and perhaps it's his turn to look out for her on this occasion?

Yes there are so many ways of looking at it aren't there. It's difficult trying to process emotions sometimes but you have all really helped. Feel a bit selfish for thinking like that now to be honest! I guess it's all just a bit raw today. The misty weather is identical to the day he passed away too so it brings it all back.

Maybe a quick call to your brother just to say you're feeling sad and glad he's looking out for your mum might make you both feel better.

I think grief always has the element of surprise, when you least expect it, it jumps out at you.

Ophelia, my mum visits my dad's grave every week!! That's what she wants to do. They were married over 45 years, she misses and loves him. She'd probably go more if it wasn't for the 2hours round trip travel time. What a strange thing for you to say.

Faith you poor thing, anniversaries are awful.

Do you still want to go to your brothers? If so, you should definitely ring him.

Well I'm off to my brothers now...it only took a text. I can't quite believe how I felt earlier in retrospect. What a strange mix of emotions. Posting on here is like taking a lid off a pressure cooker sometimes. Thank you all for taking the time to post

Faith, I'm sure it was just an oversight (although it wouldn't be in my family sadly). I'm glad it's all sorted. I lost my dad 2 years on the 23rd. My mum was incredibly selfish with regards to the funeral etc. As a pp said grief can make people selfish but I guess that's coz they r grieving and not thinking straight. I got pissed off (& still do at those that ask after my mum). I feel like shouting "hello, I lost my dad!". I was incredibly close too, to my dad, and I miss him every day. I'm sorry for your sadness and I hear you re that.

So sorry to hear about your dad. I still find it very hard too. 3 years but feels like yesterday. I don't think the pain eases I think you jut learn to live with it. I hope you are ok on the 23rd

Glad you have it sorted. All the best to all of you.

Hope you have a nice evening with your mum and brother x