To have little sympathy for dh?

[MusicalChairsOh]

We have 2 dc under 2.
Dh is away at work from 7am-6pm Monday to Friday.
Last week he went out twice, Friday he went out straight after work and Saturday had a hangover that made him pretty useless for the whole day. Sucked it up and got on with it.
Also last week me and 1 of the dc had the diarrhoea bug and I just got on with life. we're over it now except smallest dc has woken up with it this morning.

Dh went out again last night and has now got the diarrhoea bug. He's curled up in bed hardly talking but complaining about feeling rough.

This will be the second weekend I just have to get on with things. It's exhausting looking after them through the week especially being ill. I was looking forward to the help this weekend.

I guess I'm just pissed off I wont get help yet again and dh has the luxury of staying in bed. I didn't have a very nice bedside manner with him this morning. Aibu to just not care?!

I was pregnant again when dc1 was 9 months old, he didn't sleep either so did not fancy a night out due to exhaustion, much rather curl up on the sofa...

However dc2 It's now 10 months old and not reliant on bf as much so will definitely be going out again.

Already booked concert tickets for March.

Plus, going back to work in January and alternate Saturday's dh will be looking after them...so it'll be more fool him if he goes out the night before as I won't be there!

I've not been out in 3 years, dh has never been on his own with the 2 children for more than 2 hours.

well sorry but STOP THAT.
He is going out regularly when he is away during the week. Does he want to spend time with HIS family instead?
He thinks of nothing but to leave you dealing with the dcs all weekend because he is out two nights in a row. Does he has ANY idea of how hard it is to look after two dcs under 2?? No he doesn't because he doesn't have to.
He is carrying on with his life as if nothing had changed whilst you look after the dcs.
Maybe it's time for a wake up call, both for him and for you. Take the time off to go and see friends, go the cinema, whatever you want to do. Leave him with the dcs. Let him look after the dcs during the whole weekend with no help.

He really cant do anything ant being ill this weekend. However he is doing the trick of 'oh I cant do anything. I'm so poorly' when actually when you have to (like you did), you CAN get out of bed and get on with things. Yes its crap. No its not nice to ask him to get up when he doesn't want to. but when is the time when YOU get to have a lie in because you are ill (has it ever happened during the weekend or do you get up anyway??)?
When is the time when YOU have a break from YOUR work?
When is the time when YOU have some time off and you can do grown up things that you enjoy?

The balance is only right when both partners have

• equal investment and responsibility towards the dcs (bearing in mind work patterns etc..) which mean 50/50 sharing of looking after them when you are both at home and always thinking of the day after (you are out for the evening and are tired the day after doesn't mean you can stay in bed for the day - unless you are then happy to see your partner going away on their own for the day the following week)
• equal access to time off going to see friends, going out and what not

Ok... I haven't been out in ages either...

Buuut I have training several times (which I count as going out) a week and work basically full-time.

So... DH is the one that spends most of the time with DD (I spend the weekends and one half day a week with DD. and I'm at home in the evening etc).

But anyhow, every decent parent should be able to spend more than 2 hours alone with their child (unless they have a medical condition), which he doesn't seem to have.

And the fact that I'm not home that often means that I'm the one that looks after her when we're both home. So, feeding in the evening, nappy changes etc.

That's just fair. I'd be a lazy arse and a bad parent if I had DH look after DD when I'm home...

I don't think the not going out is an issue if you are not bothered about it ( I wouldn't be ) but you should be getting more help in the evenings as well as him doing his share at weekends , going to work during the day does not negate his responsibility to help out in the week .

My 10 month old bottle refusers were fine about going all day without me when I went back to work. Without me around smelling of milk, they managed considerably longer quite happy between feeds. DS1 was down to morning/ night feed only by 12 months, so I ended up agreeing to a trip that was 4 nights away... he turned out to be a milk addict, but still managed perfectly well. (My breast pump was busy though).

Your supply is well established. Babies are much more resilient in our absence than we expect. Go out and claim back your own good times, and let him do some fathering.

Today is not my day :(

Went to get some toilet roll and bleach air freshners etc. All was fine until ds1 uncharacteristically bit ds2 on the hand and made him scream in the shop. Got him out the stroller for a cuddle and calm down, cue stroller tipping up from the weight of the basket, all the stuff rolling around. People just treading over our shopping and giving me looks...
Get to the till, toddler in a meltdown because I won't get him a magazine. Refuses to walk home. So we have to stop every couple of steps.
Come back, dh sleeping peacefully in bed. Roll on 7pm.

Thanks all aswell for giving me some more perspective on the fact I should be getting out by myself more. I guess I've just got so used to not being able to I've stopped thinking of even doing it.

It is really easy to fall in to the trap of not having time to yourself. It's great that you have realised you're doing it and plan to make changes though.
You're shopping trip sounds shit.
Have a and some

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To have little sympathy for dh? (35 Posts)
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MusicalChairsOh Sat 17-Dec-16 09:00:23
We have 2 dc under 2.
Dh is away at work from 7am-6pm Monday to Friday.
Last week he went out twice, Friday he went out straight after work and Saturday had a hangover that made him pretty useless for the whole day. Sucked it up and got on with it.
Also last week me and 1 of the dc had the diarrhoea bug and I just got on with life. we're over it now except smallest dc has woken up with it this morning.

Dh went out again last night and has now got the diarrhoea bug. He's curled up in bed hardly talking but complaining about feeling rough.

This will be the second weekend I just have to get on with things. It's exhausting looking after them through the week especially being ill. I was looking forward to the help this weekend.

I guess I'm just pissed off I wont get help yet again and dh has the luxury of staying in bed. I didn't have a very nice bedside manner with him this morning. Aibu to just not care?!
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Jellybean83 Sat 17-Dec-16 09:02:02
YANBU, not even a little bit.
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GettingitwrongHauntingatnight Sat 17-Dec-16 09:04:09
Yanbu
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Sunnydaysrock Sat 17-Dec-16 09:05:42
It's so annoying that it works like this, ie mums deal with all the illness and still have to get on with it when we are ill. You are most definitely not bu to not care. You've done your bit, you're still doing your bit. He's a grown man, he can look after himself. Make sure you get a day to yourself soon.
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BillSykesDog Sat 17-Dec-16 09:10:07
It is Christmas so a hangover is not that unacceptable at this time of year.

And he was working when you had the bug. It's not really his fault that you're at home when he's ill, he's just struck lucky (sort of). If you'd got it this weekend he would have had to take over from you too.
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NavyandWhite Sat 17-Dec-16 09:13:15
Does he go out a lot then and have a hangover at the weekend? Not fair if so.

If it's just because it's Christmas then I'd probably throw him some Imodium and leave him to it with the understanding that he "owes" you.
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Ellisandra Sat 17-Dec-16 09:16:24
7-6 is no big deal, that's normal hours and commute for a lot of people.

It really depends on how life usually is.

It's not his fault he's ill when you're their to cover "lucky" but not his fault. And it's Xmas - can mean lots of going out.

It all depends on the history.
If he's usually fully involved and leisure time is fair, then this is just a bad set of circumstances.

What's he usually like?
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LucyFuckingPevensie Sat 17-Dec-16 09:17:11
Yanbu to feel the way you do. That sounds hard going. My Dp works away too - not all the time but often. It's a long bloody slog and I really look forward to the opportunity of another parent being able to look after the Dc. It is annoying always being the one who has to deal with the shit stuff.
I had a training week away with work not long ago and it was fucking awesome. I stayed in a hotel , didn't have to cook, clean, do the homework with the dc.
When is he back at work op ?
Can you squeeze in a night out or ..... spa day to give you a bit of a break.
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LucyFuckingPevensie Sat 17-Dec-16 09:18:14
Obviously it's not his fault he is ill, but yanbu to feel a bit hard done by. You must be shattered.
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MusicalChairsOh Sat 17-Dec-16 09:29:47
He goes out maybe twice a month, sometimes more sometimes less. I've never got annoyed about that as I just add it to the bank of favours I will hopefully get back one day.

I've not been out in 3 years, dh has never been on his own with the 2 children for more than 2 hours. It'll be my time soon though as youngest is getting a bit older and able to be away from me for longer.

I know it's not his fault. I look forward to the help so much that it was almost typical of this to happen!

I may have warmed a bit now, dh poked his head around the door and told me he's been sick now also...

I've told him to stay away from us all and clean the toilet. Oh dear. I hope we dont re-catch it, is that possible?
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DeepanKrispanEven Sat 17-Dec-16 09:33:09
Why haven't you been out in three years? Surely your DH could look after the DC in the evenings or at weekends to let you do that - or you could get babysitters so you could go out together?
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Gooseygoosey12345 Sat 17-Dec-16 09:34:15
Yanbu and quite frankly he'd be out of bed if he was my OH. You didn't curl up in bed when you were poorly, you had kids to look after, so why should he get to? And as for being hungover... that's not your problem and is entirely self inflicted. He knows he has children so he should be more responsible. No sympathy for him here, he'd have to be up unless he was actually dying.
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BakeOffBiscuits Sat 17-Dec-16 09:38:44
From Jan start a new thing, you go out for the day, at least every other weekend and leave him with the DC.

It doesn't matter what you do- visit friend, relatives, go shopping, museums, hobby etc.

You need a break and he needs to know how to look after his dc.
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Olympiathequeen Sat 17-Dec-16 09:38:51
Yanbu

Put a sick bowl by the bed, a roll of toilet paper and a jug of water and close the door on him and ignore him.
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BalloonSlayer Sat 17-Dec-16 09:39:22

"I told him that if he really couldn't do anything, fair enough, but that if he gave it to me, then I would EXPECT him to take time off work to look after me and the children, because if he couldn't do anything at all with this bug, then neither would I be able to."

I like your style, Balloonslayer.

balloonslayer is awesome.but I suspect in my case DH would be the one to use these tricks. Makes me feel a bit guilty😖

YANBU - I don't get why men get away with the good side of parenting

little

I think it's because they're more likely to work 100%?