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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have felt a bit upset about this?

22 replies

PamplemousseRouge · 15/12/2016 14:59

Hi everyone,

So I moved into a flatshare earlier this year with two people who I hadn't met before we moved in.

My flat mates get on very well together. We all got on well when we first moved in, although now we don't really spend much time together (me and them, I mean), but they still spend a lot of time together.

The AIBU situation is that earlier today, I brought some food up for lunch to eat in my bedroom.

I had my door open, and was just watching some stuff on my phone while I was eating.

Suddenly this girl just comes into my room and starts talking to me, which I wasn't expecting - had my mouth full and everything(!!) I was a bit freaked out, so when she left I quietly locked my door. She came back to knock on my door, and I asked who it was. She didn't say anything, so I waited a bit, then asked again. Then she said she was the guest of one of my flatmates.

Obviously that's fine for all of us to have guests, but my flatmate didn't mention to me that she'd be having a guest around, so I had no idea she was expecting anyone. And I wasn't expecting anyone, so I just felt really anxious when she came up into my bedroom and started chatting to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bookworm91 · 15/12/2016 15:12

let me get this straight... a random girl whom you had never met before waltzes into your room without knocking and just starts chatting to you?

MadHattersWineParty · 15/12/2016 15:13

Is this your first flat share?

I mean, it's not ideal, but maybe she was doing that uni thing of 'my doors open come and say hey'?

If I didn't want to interact with people in my old flat share I'd close my door. Bit forwarding her but not really upsetting. I wouldn't have expected my flatmates to tell me every time they had a visitor.

MadHattersWineParty · 15/12/2016 15:13

*forward of her

Original poster
PamplemousseRouge · 15/12/2016 15:14

Yep bookworm - it is weird, right?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 15/12/2016 15:15

They should have told you and I would say "just let me now when someone is staying etc" but I don't think it's a huge deal. If it happened a lot I would be annoyed but a one off I'd just think if was a slight oversight, mention it but generally just not worry about it.

Original poster
PamplemousseRouge · 15/12/2016 15:16

Yep it's my first flat share, Hatter - it may very well have been one of those situations where she thought I was up for a chat because my door was open, good point.

OP posts:
ChristmasTreeKisses · 15/12/2016 15:16

I think probably keep your door closed. Some people don't have the same boundaries.

Original poster
PamplemousseRouge · 15/12/2016 15:17

Thanks Middle :)

OP posts:
Hellmouth · 15/12/2016 15:17

I lived in flatshares for 10 years, and I'd say this was normal if you happen to live with sociable people with sociable friends. Embrace the flatshare life!

MadHattersWineParty · 15/12/2016 15:18

I bet it was OP. Some people forget that you're not in a halls of residence once you start working and share a flat!

Original poster
PamplemousseRouge · 15/12/2016 15:18

Thanks Christmas :)

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 15/12/2016 15:19

I don't think it's a huge deal to not let you know when they have guests, but it's not on for said guests to just waltz into bedrooms.

Once she's gone let your flat mate know that her pal has no boundaries and that you want to know when she's coming over because you don't want her in your room.

willconcern · 15/12/2016 15:19

Sorry but I don't think it's reasonable to ask your flat mates to let you know every time they have someone round. Esp in the middle of the day - you said this was lunchtime.

bookworm91 · 15/12/2016 15:20

you are defo not unreasonable to feel upset about this. I am a massive introvert and would hate this situation. Tbh its downright rude of that girl to not bother knocking and to just assume that an open door means an open invitation. It does NOT! I'd be friendly about it on this occasion as you wanna get on with your flatmate , however should it become a frequent occurrence i would say something!

steppemum · 15/12/2016 15:24

Sounds fairly normal for a shared house, maybe a bit intrusive of her, but not unusual, she saw you and stopped to chat. I think you are over reacting a bit.

sleepingkoala · 15/12/2016 15:36

The girl just coming straight into your room like that was definitely rude. She doesn't even know you, she's a complete stranger and she doesn't even bother knocking or anything before entering your rude. YNBU about that at all. However I don't se why your flat mate should let you know every time there's a friend of there's in the house. I assume this wasn't an over night thing either as it was the middle of the day. It would be best to let peopel know about over night guests if possible especially you haven't met them yet or if you have met them and they'll be staying for a few nights or something. As obviously it would be awkward to bump into a stranger in the middle of night coming back from the shower or something. But that's just a courtesy thing obviously depending on length of stay etc. It just depends. The guest just happened to be very rude and intrusive but your flat mate didn't need to let you know she was there. She just shouldn't have behaved like that and your flat mate presumably wasn't to know she would.

Jinxxx · 15/12/2016 15:45

If your door was wide open, rather than just unlocked but closed, I don't think it's at all weird for a friendly daytime visitor to say hello and have a short chat. If they let themselves in to your room, I think that's rather pushy, though even then, it may have been a mistake. Perhaps she opened the wrong door, thinking it belonged to one of the girls she does know, and then just covered her surprise by saying hello etc.

VoodooPeople · 15/12/2016 15:54

Maybe I'm old-fashioned (or just old) but I don't think it's okay for someone you don't know to walk into your bedroom, irrespective of whether the door is open or closed.

blahblahnow · 15/12/2016 16:03

At least a knock whilst walking in would have been politer, and I'm surprised if she started chatting without an introduction. Don't think it's something to get 'freaked out' about though.

By contrast, some people would probably be offended if she'd walked past an open door and not said hello. I used to keep my door open if I was happy for flatmates to know I was there.

However, if your door was shut presumably she wouldn't even have known you were there and you wouldn't have been bothered by her.
Try not to feel upset and keep your door closed :-)

MiddleClassProblem · 15/12/2016 16:15

Sorry I thought you meant they had someone to stay not just pop over. I don't think they have to notify you for having a friend over, just guests to stay.
I'm a private person so would keep my door closed or be in communal areas to chat unless I invited someone in

Original poster
PamplemousseRouge · 15/12/2016 16:26

Thanks everyone 😊 I do see all points of view here. 'Freaked out' was the wrong choice of wording, definitely - it was because I was so surprised by my flatmate's friend being there.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 15/12/2016 16:32

Some people are very sociable and chatty.
We are all different.
Might not go down too well if you insist on enough notice to run a DBS check before any visitors are allowed over the threshold again!
If you like and trust your flatmates, their friends are probably going to be 'safe'.

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