Shy or on the autistic spectrum?

11 replies

bookworm91 · 15/12/2016 14:30

A good friend of mine moved to Scotland several years ago and I occasionally go up to visit her. She has a DS ( 4yrs old ) who is painfully shy. It takes him 2 days before he will even say anything to me and DD is extremely clingy towards his DM . He has been delayed in some developmental milestones such as walking and delayed speech.He is in school now and still tantrums like he is 2 over the slightest thing and doesn't seem to communicate his feelings in a more verbal way (screams on the floor for ages etc) is this normal for school aged kids to still tantrum this way? Friend has never said anything about it ,would I be unreasonable to broach the subject?

OP posts:

accidentalbride · 15/12/2016 14:42

I don't know how often you see your friend (you say "occasionally" which can mean different things). In essence, as someone who has a child with learning difficulties, I think it's not up to you to broach this subject. You probably don't know the child enough, he may be just very shy, or you don't know how much your friend is already thinking about it and doing behind the scenes. If there are any concerns, the school will flag it to her. What you can do is be very understanding and warm towards him, never show any judgement when his behaviour seems inappropriate and make your friend very comfortable so, if she wants to, she feels she can talk to you. If there is a problem, parents are usually the first to see it and worry about it. Many parents simply choose not to talk about it with everyone. It's exhausting and can be very upsetting as there is a lot of ignorance and misunderstanding out there we face every single day, often from very well meaning people. How much do you actually know about autism to have a meaningful conversation with her? It's one of the most complex and misunderstood conditions

R5l2 · 15/12/2016 14:48

If there is a chance he has, this will likely be said to her via the school who will be dealing with him everyday vs you occasionally seeing how he acts or she might already be getting help and seeking diagnosis or talking to teachers/GP about it (but hasn't said anything about it) I don't think it's it's your business to broach. I don't think you should say anything. If you must say something say that if she's worried about behaviour or development she can discuss with GP or teacher but i wouldn't mention autism as you have no clue if its because they are shy/autistic/something else being an issue

Original poster

bookworm91 · 15/12/2016 14:48

maybe 6 or 7 times a year ( usually stay for a long weekend at least). Before they moved we lived on the same street and had a close relationship with them. She is a very close friend I feel she would of told me about it if there was. You are right there is a lot of ignorance surrounding autism, i do not know enough which is why have taken to mumsnet! I think you are right best thing i can do is be supportive and non judgmental.

OP posts:

FaithFromTheRealmsOfGlory · 15/12/2016 14:48

It's impossible to say. At aged 4, very few experts would even give an autism diagnosis. Most wait til aged 7 before assessing. He may have additional needs. Equally he may just be shy. I say this as someone who has been diagnosed with ASD as a adult with a 3yo who I keep a close eye on.

We had neighbours with DD like this, very quiet, clingy to her parents. Turned out she had massive issues with glue ear, when her hearing was impaired her behaviour was worse...

What does he 'tantrum' over out of interest?

Original poster

bookworm91 · 15/12/2016 14:52

anything really FaithFromTheRealmsOfGlory If my DD has something he wants he will kick and scream on the floor until we give it to him , or if there is too much ketch-up on his plate, or if he doesn't have a specific fork he likes to use...

OP posts:

Manumission · 15/12/2016 14:55

It does sound like a meltdown.

Raaaaaah · 15/12/2016 15:03

Our DS has SEN's. We talk to very few friends about it and you can see people puzzling over what is different about him and whether we are aware. As accidentalbride says, we don't divulge simply because unless the friend has a really good knowledge or experience of the issue then their well intentioned comments can just be a bit irritating. Investigating and seeking help for SEN's can be a bit all consuming and when we are with friends we want to chat about other things and allow DS to interact with other children without any special allowances. I personally don't think you should broach the subject unless she mentions it to you first.

FaithFromTheRealmsOfGlory · 15/12/2016 15:03

It certainly sounds like he's very particular. My DD has had several tantrums/?meltdowns recently, usually stemming from fear (scared of the dark was one, not needing glasses at the optician?!). Not just like a tantrum but like foaming at the mouth, kicking me in the face rather that do as I ask! Is he fussy about what clothes he'll wear? The thing is, I do think any of these could be put down to just being 4 and fussy! However I'm a grown adult and I still have these issues. Social relationships is a big factor too.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask MN but based on what you say/what you know I don't think you should say anything to her. Be prepared that like R5I2 says, it may well be picked up at school and she'all benefit from your support in the future.

Original poster

bookworm91 · 15/12/2016 15:15

I think I won't touch this subject , will probably only lead to a fall out. its so hard to tell what is normal in terms of behavior and what is not. All children are bound to have there moments. hell even i sometimes feel like having a meltdown

OP posts:

Manumission · 15/12/2016 15:17

It's not bad behaviour. It's sensory overload.

If you do decide to mention anything )I wouldn't myself) steer well clear of that aspect. You'll stick your foot right in it.

DailyFail1 · 15/12/2016 16:29

Did he go to school/daycare before 4? Lots of kids I know who haven't are really shy and still tantrumn at school.

Flip