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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be so upset?

22 replies

stressedoutmam · 14/12/2016 23:52

Long back story so I will keep it brief - my DH has been unfaithful - it was years ago and I chose to forgive, so please no judging me for staying with him.
However tonight I feel like he's just completely disregarded my feelings and am sobbing my heart out.
We have several mutual single friends (all female) and recently he started going to a group with two of them. I don't want to say what group as its quite identifying but I know for sure that this group is where they go and have no problem with it.
A guy at this group has taken an interest in one of our friends and tonight DH has said he basically checked with him if it was okay. Because he thought DH was some way involved with her. Apparently at his first response 'no not all I don't look at her like that' the reply was 'yeah right just tell me I'm not arsed' and he said 'no honestly I don't look at her like that at all go for it'
AIBU to be upset that his response wasn't 'I am happily married' or even something like that shoved in?? I feel now like nobody at this group even fucking knows I exist and given that they obviously all socialise whilst there surely a guy he's become friends with (on phone number terms) should have thought about him being married?

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 14/12/2016 23:55

I think the first answer should probably have been "no, I'm married to someone else, ha ha" but I don't find his reply actively horrible.

Maybe he's never mentioned you because your two mutual friends know you (obviously) so he thinks it's obvious that he's married. Does he wear a ring or anything?

As an aside, asking another man for permission to approach a woman is so fucking 1850s I want to puke.

Original poster

stressedoutmam · 14/12/2016 23:59

Well that's my problem. Why wasn't that his first fucking answer? His insensitivity is just awful in this case if the kids weren't around I'd be going nuts! If another woman assumed a male friend was my partner he'd accuse me of behaving inappropriately with him to make someone think that

OP posts:

GravyAndShite · 15/12/2016 00:00

If another woman assumed a male friend was my partner he'd accuse me of behaving inappropriately with him to make someone think that sad

Is this an assumption or has something similar happened before?

Original poster

stressedoutmam · 15/12/2016 00:04

It's a very accurate assumption. I don't have male friends only acquaintances

OP posts:

GravyAndShite · 15/12/2016 00:05

Why not?

MrsHathaway · 15/12/2016 00:06

If another woman assumed a male friend was my partner he'd accuse me of behaving inappropriately with him to make someone think that

OK well that's a completely separate issue, and makes him sound like a complete arsehole.

Is he a complete arsehole?

RainbowJack · 15/12/2016 00:08

I agree, there was nothing actively horrible in what he said.

if the kids weren't around I'd be going nuts!

^ and that's an OTT reaction.

The issue looks like you still have lingering issues from his infidelity. Did you get couples/individual counselling or did you sweep it under the carpet?

Original poster

stressedoutmam · 15/12/2016 00:09

I know I'm stupid for allowing him to have female friends when I'm not given the same courtesy with male friends I just wanted a MN opinion on whether or not I am over reacting about the context of the conversation he told me about tonight

OP posts:

Original poster

stressedoutmam · 15/12/2016 00:10

If the shoe were on the other foot I would be asked WHY someone had assumed another man was my partner

OP posts:

GravyAndShite · 15/12/2016 00:12

allowing him to have female friends

He doesn't need permission for a friendship and neither do you. There was nothing wrong with this situation but there's plenty wrong with your relationship I think. No mutual respect, no mutual trust.

TheGruffaloMother · 15/12/2016 00:13

I think you're reading far too much into it really. The way men and women speak is different...report vs rapport. Your DH gave the necessary information to answer the other man's question. It's women who generally expect/give extra information.

Original poster

stressedoutmam · 15/12/2016 00:14

Okay IABU thank you

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 15/12/2016 00:18

Essentially, the way I see it:

He doesn't want you to have male friends, because in his mind you'd obviously only get close to a man if you wanted to fuck his brains out. You accede.

You don't mind if he has female friends because you make no such dumbfuck assumption. He does what he likes.

Other people assume that he is particularly intimate with a certain woman.

He corrects them with reference to her fanciability, not his availability.

This doesn't sound nice at all. No wonder you're upset, although I think you're upset about the wrong detail.

Seren85 · 15/12/2016 00:25

My DH's best friend is female. They've been friends since they were small children. When they go out to a gig or for a drink people who either only knows casually e.g. work acquaintance might ask if she is his partner. He always laughs and says "ugh no, it'd be like snagging my sister!" Doesn't bother me one bit that his first response isn't "oh no I'm married to Seren who isn't here tonight". I think your past experience with him cheating is clouding your thoughts somewhat but also the other stuff about friends of the opposite sex generally would concern me.

FizzySweeties · 15/12/2016 00:27

MrsHathaway has it down here: "He corrects them with reference to her fanciability, not his availability."

That would nark any wife/partner off. Even "I'm not with her, I'm married" would have been fine (normal).

Why's he told you about this anyway?

And do you think he likes this woman?

DixieWishbone · 15/12/2016 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/12/2016 00:33

A guy at this group has taken an interest in one of our friends and tonight DH has said he basically checked with him if it was okay. Because he thought DH was some way involved with her.

Who would do this ??? If he thought your DH and this woman were involved/a couple would he really have asked if your DH minded him being 'interested' in her ?

If this bloke fancied this woman but thought your DH was involved with her , why on earth would he ask if it was ok to make a move (or whatever he had in mind ) ??

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/12/2016 00:40

Posted too soon -

It's the same as a woman asking me if I mind her going on a date with my husband.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/12/2016 00:47

I think that you are overreacting a little because his brain doesn't work the same way yours does.

Clearly him being married doesn't put her off-limits, as he's cheated on you before (while married?) - so to him, saying "I'm married" wouldn't have given the other bloke clear enough information to say that he wasn't interested in the female friend.
Saying that he's not interested in her in that way is far more clear, both from his point of view and from the other bloke's (who knows if he is married or not!)

So yes, I can see why you feel you've been dismissed as unimportant, but that's not really what he did. He just wanted to give the other bloke the clearest message possible that he wasn't interested in the female friend.

Original poster

stressedoutmam · 15/12/2016 07:32

I suppose I'm wondering why it was even assumed

OP posts:

ChuckGravestones · 15/12/2016 07:42

Because people pick up on vibes.

Qwertie · 15/12/2016 07:43

I think ywbu, but given what you've said I think your DH has got you living on your nerves in your relationship and that is exactly where he wants you.
What are you getting out of this marriage?

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