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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex overly concerned about SIL's pregnancy

47 replies

brooklynbaby · 14/12/2016 18:52

My ex and I have a 2 year old dd. Throughout the pregnancy he didn't give a shit what I ate or what I did, it was all down to me. Some days I'd come in after a 10 hour shift and had already eaten without even thinking to put some extra on for me.

Sil (his brothers partner) is pregnant and they're currently having their house refurbished and only have a microwave and a small gas oven thing. So my ex cooks for them all the time which is obviously nice but he goes as far as to carefully check what ingredients he uses and researches them. As well as checking salt content.

Anyway today I bought her a burts bees expectant mum gift set from me and dd and I messaged my ex to say don't get her and bath stuff or whatever as I've already got her that. He replied asking whether I'd checked the perfume and ingredients in the set.

Is he fucking kidding? He showed no concern whatsoever when I was carrying our dd.

OP posts:

TitaniasCloset · 14/12/2016 23:36

That's really weird, why is he so concerned with her pregnancy? And Burt's bee stuff is lovely, how bloody rude of him to question your choice of present!! Is Sil one of those princess types who somehow manages to get every male in the vicinity running around after her? Its all very odd. I would be fuming too. Ten hour shift and couldn't even put some dinner on for you? What a total arse.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/12/2016 23:45

I would guess that he just likes her in a normal just liking way.

And he probally wasn't that keen on you

TitaniasCloset · 14/12/2016 23:48

^^ nice.

GravyAndShite · 14/12/2016 23:55

Agree with sock.

Maybe you were so poorly matched that it made him a selfish twat but now you are free of each other he can be more authentic and caring again. Presumably he was nice when you and he started going out, otherwise why sleep with him?

Seeingfae · 15/12/2016 00:05

He wants to show off how caring he is, in front of other people. Gets off on being praised by strangers and really really concerned that he looks like a good dad. Been there with my ex, he was really attentive to me during pregnancy when in public, carrying bags and telling me to sit and rest and telling people all about how he cares for me at home, cooks and cleans etc. At home just me and him? All of that was just talk, i was the one running after him.

Anyway now, he gave his sister £70 for her water bill so his nephew can have a bath but can't give me any money for my gas for his own daughter to have a warm home.

Why? Ex's dad is always denigrating him and but ex is desperate to please him will do whatever looks best to his dad in a quest to get some praise. Since exs dad despises me giving me money would only disgust his dad. If my ex was doing what yours is it would be make people assume that he was so good during your pregnancy that it must have been your fault the split happened. My ex pretends even to himself that he was a much better person than he actually is.

TitaniasCloset · 15/12/2016 00:07

Think Seeingfae might have a point.

SandyFeet177 · 15/12/2016 00:11

Either, he's grown up or he's doing it for the very reason to get a rise out of you. It's got to be one or the other. Personally, I wouldn't be buying presents for SIL, no matter how much I liked her, let alone confirming with your ex about it.

SandyFeet177 · 15/12/2016 00:18

I would donate them, sod it if she comes around and the presents she bought aren't "present", if she mentions it say, "like I've mentioned, we just don't have the room, it seemed like the perfect solution to donate them, thanks though, the insert whatever charity you chose were grateful and those kids will love them, I shall definitely do that again, it was very rewarding*

EddieStobbart · 15/12/2016 00:36

There are some complete twats on this thread. Words on a screen and all that but did you really feel good when you clicked "Post"?

OP, that would annoy me but it may be as Seeing says, it may also be that he has grown up a bit.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2016 01:17

In all fairness you don't tend to break up with people who are not arseholes.

You do tend to be nice and supportive to people you like.

One of my ex husbands hates me always did, he just didn't realise it until it was to late.

Not being nasty and not I temding it to sound as if I was, it's just person A not very kind to person B when person A is quite capable of being kind as evidenced by person C it usually means that person A does not especially like person B even if they haven't admitted it to themselves yet

MrsMcMoo · 15/12/2016 01:45

Mrsdustybusty - yes, exactly! He definitely wants someone to see what a caring fellow he is. Yes this would do my head in too, OP. Xx

Bogeyface · 15/12/2016 02:19

Sounds like he is being the wonderful Uncle to be in front of his brother, whereas there was no audience when you were PG so he didnt need to bother.

Pathetic behaviour, and yes it would piss me off too that he cared more about the health of his brothers partner and unborn child than he did his own.

Pluto30 · 15/12/2016 02:42

It's got nothing to do with you. Move on.

He's your ex, and that's his SIL (not yours). End of.

Bogeyface · 15/12/2016 02:52

Are you really saying that you wouldnt have any harbouring resentment Pluto?

This has never happened to me but I can imagine how fucking pissed off I would be that a man who, at the time, was supposed to be my life partner yet couldnt care less about me and his own baby, but is falling over himself for his brothers child. He didnt bother to cook his pregnant OH some food after a 10 hour shift. Maybe he didnt care about her, but she was carrying his child, you would expect him to care about the babys well being at least. But he didnt, yet he reads the ingredients on a bottle of bath stuff for his SIL!

They are not together so no, it doesnt really matter. But it would bring back the hurt of the original shit treatment.

Pluto30 · 15/12/2016 02:55

That's what I'm saying. I don't think I'd give a rats about my ex if it didn't have to do with our DC. If you're incapable of having an amicable relationship and moving on/removing any resentment, then you shouldn't communicate unless it has to do with your DC.

The OP doesn't seem to like her ex, so why is she so invested in his life as to be messaging him about a present she got for his SIL? Telling him that he can't get X type of present because she already got it? Um. No. Get whatever present you like, and he does the same, and don't even bother communicating about it. It's a non-issue.

Bogeyface · 15/12/2016 03:05

You are totally missing the point! Its not about the gift at all. She told him what she had bought simply to avoid duplicating, if you have an amicable relationship then thats normal, ex and I do it all the time as he is still close to my parents and buys them gifts.

Its the fact that he was causing such a fuss about the ingredients of the gift in case it harmed the baby, his brothers baby, when he hadnt given two shiney shites about his own baby when the OP was PG. That is what has pissed the OP off.

TitaniasCloset · 15/12/2016 03:18

Bogeyface yep, exactly and its weird. How can you go from not caring if the exhausted mother of your own child has even eaten, (basic stuff) to becoming an expert on beauty product ingredients for someone else's baby?

Pluto30 · 15/12/2016 03:46

It is about though. It's about being overly involved. Talking about presents for his SIL is just an example of that.

They don't seem to have an amicable relationship. That's what I'm getting at.

BusterGonad · 15/12/2016 07:45

OP I completely understand why you are upset, I would be too, you ex sounds like a total twat, I think it it what seeing has said and he's trying to impress and prove he's a great guy!?! I do think that (I know it's not the point) you shouldn't have bothered telling your ex what you had bought, and I do understand why you are close to your sil. You are trying to keep the family close for your child's sake. Try not to let it get you down, you ex is sounds like a wanker, try to ignore it. If he is the dad of your sil's baby then Crikey, what a mess!!!

GravyAndShite · 15/12/2016 07:47

I just find this so understandable. In a totally non conspiratorial way. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean one or both parties are a twat per se.

Being resentful of it is an understandable reaction. But that doesn't mean he's doing it for show. Your resentment is a choice - a subconscious choice, but a choice nonetheless. It also only hurts you.

Make like Elsa. ❄️

BusterGonad · 15/12/2016 07:55

You have a point gravy, looking at it from the OPs eyes he looks like a twat!

228agreenend · 15/12/2016 07:56

Maybe he's grown up and suddenly 'got' what pregnancy is all about. Maybe SIL has health issues you don't,know about,,or has miscarried in past, so is being extra careful now.

How is he with your dc? Is he a caring dad?

i can see why you feel,irked, but don't let it eat you up, and be pleased for SIL that he seems to have turned a corner.

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