Feeling smothered

[pishedoff]

Hi

I don't feel IABU but I'm willing to be told otherwise..!

I'll try and give as much detail as poss to avoid drip feeding

My youngest has been on chemo for just over a year. It's been a hard year, very unpredictable. It's changed my outlook on life. My family ( as in my husband and children) are my priority now. I won't now allow us to be told what to do, dragged around etc. Life is pretty shit as it is.

This morning I had a massive argument with Dad over the phone. Not helped by the fact he called to talk to me about it the morning we were due to be admitted into hospital. I was stressed about it all. He knew what was happening but still decided 8.30 this morning was a great time for a moan .

Basically he and mum feel side lined. He wants to know what they've done wrong. He has counted how many times we have been to his house ( not many I'll admit, but we still see them at least once a fortnight). He feels snubbed if we choose to do something that doesn't involve going to their house at the weekend.

Now, every other weekend DS1 is away at his Dad's. Chemo buggers up at least one weekend a month and you can pretty much guarantee that'll be one of our only 2 weeks with us all together. It's rubbish and just the way it is. This doesn't include regular nurse/hospital visits for DS which could be at weekends. It's not predictable so when we have a weekend that looks free then we go for it, having a good time with the children. That's not to say that good time couldn't be at my parents but their expectation is it should be.

He used language like being sidelined, it's not fair, being given the left overs. We see them at least every other week ( they come to us). He acted as if we deliberately avoid them. We don't, however we have such a crap time in life in general that we want to spoil the children abit.

To visit them would mean having a whole day free due to distance and the fact they wouldn't have us just pop in. We don't have many free full days!!!!! Wish we did!! We've even missed holidays this year due to chemo . It's really crap.

The argument included Christmas. We've always had it at my parents, for the last 12 years. Last year I reminded them that this year DS will be at his Dad's as it falls on his weekend. So DS2, DH and I will be at home as logistically it won't work with DS needing collecting on Xmas day afternoon. They weren't happy so we said we'd be down Boxing Day ( giving them the time the in laws normally have!) but this wasn't good enough. I've been accused of setting this up, deliberately plotting to have DS not with us .

I've had enough. Life is crap enough without been made to feel even more shit. My brother gets away with everything. He's announced he's away the whole of Christmas and that's ok.

AIBU to be fed up?!

YANBU.
I don't know what it must be like to have a sick Grandchild needing chemo but by God I would be doing everything I could to lighten your load. Certainly not whinging about not being your priority.
I hope your DS makes a good recovery.

Yanbu
I'd actually cut contact for a bit so you can focus on yourself and your family. Your parents have behaved absolutely disgracefully. What a horrible selfish way for them to behave when you've clearly got a lot more important things to focus on.

I hope your ds makes a full recovery soon and you all have a better year in 2017.

YANBU at all. I'm hoping your dad has a think after his rant and realises how unreasonable he has been. I find it difficult to fit in my kids seeing my parents with them going to their dads every other weekend- and I don't have chemo to fit in!!! if I'd been having that conversation I think I would have gone apeshit!

I really hope that if I am ever lucky enough to have children I never ever make them feel this way. YANBU at all.

Blimey, you see your parents every fortnight? I think that is plenty.

Realistically, you can only commit to things that are sensible. What your father wants is impossible.

When I was caring for someone I loved who was having chemo, we very quickly worked out who were fair weather friends/family and who were the ones who loved us enough to put up with the dregs of what was left of us in between treatments.

It's harder to deal with when it's family rather than friends, and I think your number one priority here needs to be looking after yourself and your kids. If I were you I would wait until you have a bit more space/time and then write a letter to your parents explaining how both his timing and his selfishness made you feel.

It must be very hard being a grandparent whose DGS is going through cancer and chemo but they need to be a support to you all, and get their own support for their emotions about it all from elsewhere.

Fingers crossed for your little boy. Life really isn't fair sometimes, is it?

YANBU, who puts all that on someone's head when their child is so ill and they are literally on their way to yet another hospital appointment? Message him and tell him it was a shitty thing to do and you won't be seeing them at all until you get an apology for them being so selfish. And that your children are your priority and as parents you expect them to understand that.

YANBU to be fed up.

How do you normally deal with your parents? Smooth the waters? Nod and smile? Whatever you've done until now, it's not working - and you need to change tack.

I'd tell them pretty much what you've said here. You have a child in chemo and - surprise, surprise - that child is the focus of your attention and they need to grow the fuck up and start supporting you, not doing the woe-is-me dance.

And yes, point out that phoning you at 8.w0 to have a moan on the day you are going into hospital again just highlights how self-absorbed they have become. Read him the riot act, because like I said, whatever you've been doing so far is not working.

((hugs))

YANBU bloody hell they should be supporting you not becoming another drain on your time and energy.

I agree with the comment that if I had a GC going through chemo I'd consider my first duty would be to lighten the load in any way I can.
Really the pressure he put on you is quite shameful. I hope he is looking back and feeling very very embarrassed.
You see them once a fortnight and have offered them Boxing Day - a very fair arrangement that most GDP would be thrilled about.
YANBU.

That is absolutely appalling. Please do not let your Dad make you feel guilty. You are right to put your DH and DC children first, particularly at such a difficult time. I can't imagine any parent being so cruel as your Dad is being to you.

YADNBU. You are absolutely right to concentrate on your immediate family and your DF should be being more considerate of yours and your sons needs. Going through chemo with a child is all encompassing and takes everything you have as a family. He is being a shit asking you to give more than you have to give when he should be supporting you. Put the shutters up OP and if he kicks off thats his business.

Thanks everyone

He's apologised but it's still really upset me. I just can't get my head around it and now it's left a bitter taste!

They've always been like this, had an expectation that the weekends we have DS1 will be spent with them, every Christmas with them, phone call every day etc. They are very close to DS1 in particular and have an opinion that he's never happier than when he's with them, at their house . I think that's where the Christmas issue stems from as they were expecting DS to refuse to go to his Dad's as it would mean not being with them. Don't get me wrong, DS loves them to bits, but is happy elsewhere too!

I think my biggest bugbear is my brother, who's forever "too busy" ( no children), is excused from everything. Sees them far less frequently than we do. I doubt they've even broached that subject with him, they wouldn't dare.

It is good that he has apologised quite quickly. It means that s showdown over it isn't hanging over you.
That doesn't mean that you have to immediately let things go back to normal though. People's boundaries change when they go through times of high stress and that's okay.
I found it hardest to deal with, when I was in a similar position, when people were making demands of me that added stress who loved me/DH/our kids and just couldn't see that they were making things harder do us rather than easier.

So sorry your son is sick. YANBU and just so you know you're not alone, I have had similar treatment from my father and his partner and now no longer have any contact with him. I'm not advising you cut them out of your life, but just know it's not you at fault

YANBU. I can only imagine that they aren't seeing the full picture or really appreciate how chemo affects the whole family. Are they particularly old, sometimes I think old people can be more selfish than children.

How would it work if they came to your house on Christmas Day?

Bear, not old at all!

They could come to us on Christmas Day but it'll be abit messy as we are out in the afternoon sorting out DS1, so it still won't be the Christmas they want! Also they've arranged older members of the family to stay with them over Christmas so I don't think they'd come as they'd have to bring them along.