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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with husbands messaging?

17 replies

SantanaBinLorry · 14/12/2016 09:23

My husband is part of a facebook group of people who work freelance in the same industry. They have been working together for a few months on a product that may or may not (very much a vanity project imho) go on to be sold.

I recently found out that a couple of the people working on the project are just kids. One aged 17 and one aged 14. Most of the work is done through private messaging, and it seems my husband haas taken on the role of mentoring these kids, advising and helping to teach them some of his skills. This is all for the good of the project. My husband has tutored and mentored before, but always face to face and in an arranged group setting.

I'm not sue why this makes me feel uncomfortable. Im thinking of our kids really, and in a short couple of years... would I be happy with them chatting to a grown man/stranger on the internt?
Now, I completely.trust my husband and nothing untoward is occuring in these messages, nust (dull) project stuff. But still, it makes me feel a little uneasy. Im thinking of asking my husband to stop private messaging with these kida, and ask that any discusion is done on the open forum.

AIBU, to feel uncomfortable and WIBU to ask bim to make the discusions public?
He has said making the chat public could jeopordise the project..

OP posts:

PansyGiraffe · 14/12/2016 09:25

Surely there's a difference between doing it in public and doing it in the context of a closed group with the others working on the project?

Do the 14 year old's parents know he is involved?

Thefitfatty · 14/12/2016 09:30

I think if there's nothing untoward happening in the messages and the kids parents are aware of what they are doing, no harm done?

Also, if it's something to do with intellectual property YABVU to ask him to talk about it on an open forum.

ChipIn · 14/12/2016 09:37

I can understand why you feel uneasy. It may be easy for another adult to misinterpret the private chats and jump to inappropriate conclusions (which is a very unfortunate reality). Your DH may end up having to unnecessarily justify himself.

Do the children's parents know another chats? Do they have easy access to the chats? If so, I don't think there's much to worry about. If not, I'd be asking DH to only use a private group setting. Is there any reason your husband needs to speak with them privately one on one, and can't do so in a group setting?

I think moving to a private group, even if that's with both children in it and no other adults, seems a bit easier to manage.

Original poster

SantanaBinLorry · 14/12/2016 09:37

Im not sure if its a closed group? Actually its probably not as I see project updates on my timeline, and im not in 'the group'

I have no idea if the 14year olds parents know...
I very much doubt my husband would have checked. He was a bit offended when I started.to ask questions about it. He has Aspergers.amd can often have trouble with seperating the actual from what could be perceived by others, if that makes?
So, nothing weird IS happening, so why would anyone THINK there was...

OP posts:

Original poster

SantanaBinLorry · 14/12/2016 09:44

bad typos, sorry!
if that makes sense

Yes, I understand the intelectual property stuff maybe I suggest a closed group for discussion and and Project Update page...? But its still 'closed/private' isnt it? Group chat with unknown adult of private... still the same thing.

They have been private messaging for months now, and I know my husband would feel uncomfortable suggesting a change. I'll ask if he knows wether the parents know, but honestly how would he/we know if that was the truth or not?

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 09:49

But if the parents came across the messages there would be nothing untoward in them? Just non personal dull project stuff.

It's not like he could be misconstrued as grooming them.

CozumelFox · 14/12/2016 09:54

He needs to get this sorted. Surely child labour laws would cause issues if anyone attempted to profit off a product made including a minor?

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 09:58

Cozumel I don't think there are any laws preventing under 18s developing a product for commercial use that they would benefit from financially.

teacher54321 · 14/12/2016 10:00

I think he should add the children's parents to the messages that he's sending. From a child protection point of view it makes me uneasy.

Original poster

SantanaBinLorry · 14/12/2016 10:03

Oh, definitely just dull project stuff. But does that matter.what the content, it adults chatting with kids privately. Someone somewhere could see this as weird. I'm uncomfortable and I know my husband is just I to the project.
Maybe im over thinking...?

Hhahaha, to child labour. These kids are in India!

OP posts:

Original poster

SantanaBinLorry · 14/12/2016 10:07

aarrgghh.
in to the project

"I think he should add the children's parents to the messages that he's sending. From a child protection point of view it makes me uneasy"

This is what I think/feel. My husband look at me as if I was crazy to suggest this. He just doesn't get that it COULD be taken the wrong way.

OP posts:

PineappleExpress · 15/12/2016 15:39

I get where you are coming from OP. DH plays online games and I overheard his side of the chat one day and asked him to mute it so I could talk to him.
It was nothing untoward or inappropriate, but something (can't remember what it was) he said caught my attention enough, so I asked who he was talking to.
It was a 14 year old boy, but they were playing 2 player, so it was just the two of them talking.
I just told him to be careful what he said and to try to keep it to only game chat, as I know some people are, understandably, wary of things like that.
He agreed and said he hadn't even thought about it like that. I suggested switching to group play, so there were others around.
Obviously, the project is a bit different, and is more of a teacher/student type relationship, but I agree with suggesting to the parents that they be added in to any group or private chats to keep everything completely transparent

Rixera · 15/12/2016 15:56

On the other side of things, my brother does coding stuff online and has done since 14ish. I worried about him being predated upon because of our background but nope, just equally nerdy people working on a very nerdy coding project for a game they liked. He is very talented however, and with the help and lessons learnt was able to be paid commission to code different custom things into the game for that summer holidays. Now he needs an income he's thinking of starting up a business doing just that.

As long as nothing shady is going on these mutually shared skills can be invaluable.

yellowpostitnote · 15/12/2016 16:05

I can see your POV - the only thing I can think of is CEOPS

www.thinkuknow.co.uk/Teachers/

Perhaps look at the site and be aware / get DH aware of the dangers etc to ensure he protects himself.

It would be better to have discussions in the group visible on FB or in a closed group but open to all the members including adults and maybe you too. He is potentially putting himself in a vulnerable position actually.

I can't work out if email would be a safer option, copying a parent into the message?

DailyFail1 · 15/12/2016 16:47

Er child labour is illegal in India too.

Original poster

SantanaBinLorry · 15/12/2016 19:22

Many things are illegal, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Its hardly unheard of in India.
But thats totally not the point of this thread. If it makes y'all feel better, of any money is made it will be split equally between project members.

Rixera Thats almost exactly whats happening here. The youngens are totally taking over! My husband is not a coder, he's on the design side of things. Best of luck to your bro.

Thanks for the understanding and advice, will check out that link and chat again with my husband.

OP posts:

doomf · 15/12/2016 19:48

If there's nothing untoward in the messages then I wouldn't worry too much. I'd maybe have a word with him and ask if their parents are aware of what's going on.

If I'm honest, meeting face to face could prove trickier as you could be accused of god knows what whereas if it's online then it's there to be seen in black and white.

As much for your husband's protection though, I'd have a word

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