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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I have to talk to BIL at this wedding?

25 replies

NameChanged22 · 14/12/2016 00:13

SIL getting married soon - get on very well with her and her future husband. The problem is her and DH's brother.

Almost 3 years ago, I fell pregnant. DH told MIL (who we know doesn't really like me, but whole other thread) about two days later I was rushed into hospital with horrendous pains and we found baby didn't have a heartbeat and had stopped growing around the 4 week mark. We had a choice, either continue the pregnancy and wait for the miscarriage to occur naturally, or medically manage. We chose to medically manage as we had another DS to look after. It was heartbreaking and we were both devastated.

Anyway, DH told MIL all this, and within a few hours his brother had posted on Facebook
'Congratulations to the new addition to the NameChanged22 family!'
I was very hormonal and very upset so sent him a messaging asking why on gods earth he thought that would be appropriate, considering the pain and ordeal we were going through, and just basically being incredibly confused as to why he'd posted this.
His message back was awful. He accused me of lying about it all, called me all sorts of horrible names, and told me I was poison and 'my lies would catch up with me'
I'm only presuming here, but as he lives with MIL, I can only think him and her have had a lively discussion about how awful I am and how I'm probably lying about the whole thing to keep DH with me. (She thinks I whisked her poor son away from her - didn't seem to matter than we'd been dating since we were 11 )
He then blocked me on everything and hasn't spoken to me since. I've since had another miscarriage and another son, hasn't been in contact at all. Messages DH with odd requests every now and then, which DH usually ignores.
But my question is, what do I do at this wedding? Everyone I talk to in real life (except my side of the family) just excuse his behaviour and don't see how I could be so hurt, and just say that's how he always is.
I don't want to talk to him. I don't really want DH to talk to him (he doesn't either!) but I know this will cause a big issue with MIL and I don't want any tension for SIL on her big day.
AIBU to not speak to him? Or should I just suck it up for the day??

(For some reference to MIL relationship, DS2 is now quite a few months old, she still hasn't met him and hasn't seen DS1 in nearly 18 months. She only requests to see DH. Nobody else)

OP posts:

Coffeeisnecessary · 14/12/2016 00:18

This is awful- what a dick bil is! I'm so sorry you had to go through with that- personally I would keep as far away from him at the wedding as possible. I'm angry on your behalf that you even have to be in the same building as him.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 00:18

Other than asking SIL to seat you all away from BIL & MIL - no, you don't have to talk to them. Be breezy, fob them off if approached and talk to everyone but.

ChasedByBees · 14/12/2016 00:20

No you don't have to see them.

Original poster

NameChanged22 · 14/12/2016 00:21

Thankfully, SIL has seated us away from them but I know after the food and everything, MIL will be all over DH within seconds, which means BIL won't be far behind (considering the rest of the family don't like him very much either, he only really has MIL and DH to even talk to!)
I dearly love my DH's family, his sisters, DF and DStepMum are amazing. They're just so used to BIL shitty behaviour and kind of excuse it, that I began to wonder if I was being unreasonable in still being hurt and angry!

OP posts:

Pallisers · 14/12/2016 00:23

tbh I'm not sure I'd go to the wedding with that bunch of weirdos waiting at the table for me.

Still if you like SIL you probably do want to go. I'd go, not really engage in conversation with the MIL and BIL. Talk to other people. If BIL comes anywhere near you just ignore, walk away, be breezy say "oh I have to go to the loo" every single time etc. What on earth would you talk about anyway?

Pallisers · 14/12/2016 00:24

I dearly love my DH's family, his sisters, DF and DStepMum are amazing. They're just so used to BIL shitty behaviour and kind of excuse it, that I began to wonder if I was being unreasonable in still being hurt and angry!

Stick with them at the wedding. They are not be reasonable about BIL but they are probably sucker punched after years of dealing with him.

ohfourfoxache · 14/12/2016 00:26

Could you talk to fil and smil and make sure that you spend as much of the day as you can with them? Or anyone else in the extended family?

Sounds like you may need to be surrounded by people who aren't arsewipes on the day

Original poster

NameChanged22 · 14/12/2016 00:26

Thank you everyone! Sometimes outside perspective is definitely needed!
I'll be sticking with the people I like, and hoping there's no drama! Luckily MIL usually just ignores me completely, so I should be fine on that front haha

OP posts:

RainbowJack · 14/12/2016 00:38

Just give him a wide berth.

Every time they come towards you, turn around and walk away. There will be other people there you can speak to/act as buffers. There's no need for you to engage with him/them.

Comedyusername · 14/12/2016 00:40

If you're taking the children with you, I find having something to do for them is the best excuse to get away from people, e.g. "Oh sorry, nappy change/ feeding/ nap time, got to go" etc.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2016 00:43

Children are such a great excuse to ignore people! Just look vague and ignore.

He sounds like an utter fucknugget.

Original poster

NameChanged22 · 14/12/2016 00:49

Sadly not taking children with us, DS1 is autistic, and would just not cope at all, so it's now our first night out together in nearly a year! I so desperately want to enjoy it, and I've been feeling so nervous about going because of MIL and BIL. But you're all right, I should just breezily ignore them, it's not like they can dislike me any more than they already do

OP posts:

Comedyusername · 14/12/2016 00:54

Even more reason to ignore and have a great time with your husband. Maybe you can just dance the night away and forget the idiots.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 01:03

Surely if Your DH knows what was said about you, he would also not give these horrid people the time of day and stick up for you, his wife especially after going through such devastating loss?!

AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2016 01:09

Ignore and avoid them, but be prepared to make a dignified but swift exit in case they 'refuse to be ignored'. Take a look around the venue and spot the exits. Have a plan with family members to serve as either 'escorts' or 'barricades'.

BiL sounds unhinged and MiL not much better. Sometimes weddings (+ booze) bring out the worst in people like that!

LellyMcKelly · 14/12/2016 01:21

Just remember, it's easy to ignore them during the ceremony and the meal. After, surround yourself with family and friends you like. Do not engage - at any point you are free to leave. You are not a prisoner there. So put on your best outfit, smile, and enjoy it. Pretend they aren't there.

Mellowautumn · 14/12/2016 07:12

Make it clear to SiL that you are going to walk away and Ignore for her sake rather than make a scene at the wedding !

NavyandWhite · 14/12/2016 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 14/12/2016 08:04

Enjoy the day & don't let the twunts ruin it. Steer well clear

HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/12/2016 09:22

Breezily ignore is the way to go

I have been to a wedding and managed to avoid speaking to a total arsewipe for the whole day & night. It is manageable.

HaloOnFire · 14/12/2016 09:41

Yep, just ignore.
I had similar with a SIL I am NC with as DS's 21st. They sat in their little coven with MIL, I had my best friend with me and we chatted and kept out of the way. Amusingly, her DH (My BIL) bought me a drink which I suspect went down like a lead balloon over on that table judging by the daggers shot at him as we stood at the bar

Just keep smiling, don't worry about what you perceive them to be saying, talk to those you know and enjoy yourself. You'll be reet

Original poster

NameChanged22 · 14/12/2016 10:00

Thank you everyone definitely calmed my nerves! I'll stick with my FIL and Step Mother- In Law, I'm sure that'll go down very well with MIL in BIL. Considering, the last wedding that happened, BIL told FIL that he didn't even vaguely consider him to be his dad and he didn't want any pictures with him
Man. I thought my family had its issues!

OP posts:

HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 10:20

Bloody hell what an awful human being he is. I would definitely avoid and ignore, the bonus is that you'll come across looking like the bigger person (which you undoubtably are!).

Candlestickchick · 14/12/2016 11:38

Have I understood correctly, he posted on social media a "welcome to the new addition to the family'" message about your miscarriage? That is actually one of the most spiteful things I have ever heard. You poor thing.

No you don't have to speak to them. Maybe discuss in advance with your DH - is he ok with speaking to his Mother all evening and are you ok with him doing so, or are you expecting him to give her a wide berth as well? Chat it out with him, come to a consensus and then just find someone else to talk to whenever she goes near DH.

Candlestickchick · 14/12/2016 11:39

*apologies if miscarriage is the incorrect term

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