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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex thinks i'm being dramatic, am i?

48 replies

GreatFuckability · 13/12/2016 23:16

My ex and I have 3 dc together. We've been split up for 3.5 years or so, and for the most part we get on ok. There are things about each other that the other isn't a fan of, but thats why we are not together anymore.
Our 13 year old DD came home from school today complaining of palpitations (she didn't use that word, she said her heart feels like its fluttering and stopping, which I have construed to mean palpitations, in the interest of full disclosure). She has previously complained of this, and I've mostly put it down to being winter and asthma season for her (her heart racing is often a sign of an imminent asthma flare up) and/or her being hungry as she sometimes skips lunch.
However, around 9pm she came into my room and said her heart was banging hard and her left arm was hurting. I took her pulse (which was pretty normal at 90bpm) and got her to do some deep breathing. I then rang my ex because I have 2 other kids here asleep, no car and I was concerned she might need OOH or something and I'll admit partly to get another adults take on the situation. We had a 30 sec conversation where he said she was 'fine earlier' (he saw her for 5 mins when picking up our other daughter) and that 'there's nothing wrong with her'.
This annoyed me that after not even a proper conversation he had unilaterally decided it was fine and I found his tone patronising.
So, is it REALLY so very unreasonable of me to phone her other parent when a child is complaining of chest and left arm pain?
I think she had an anxiety attack, as after 10 mins of deep breathing she said the pain had gone. I'm watching over her sleep though as I am concerned about it and will take her to my GP tomorrow.

OP posts:

Benedikte2 · 14/12/2016 00:45

Sounds like you're in a no win situation with your ex. If it had transpired that your DD was ill and needed treatment and you hadn't communicated with her father then I imagine he'd be the first to complain.
Good luck with GP tomorrow.

Didactylos · 14/12/2016 01:01

This is not in any way an attempt to diagnose over the internet but Ive seen many young people present with 'palpitations' as teens over the years who have had medical issues: various forms of tachycardia, structural 'wiring' issues such as Wolff Parkinson White syndrome, even early presentations of cardiomyopathy: these things are uncommon but they can certainly happen to teens, and often don't present in a 'classic' way. Has she had worsened asthma? has she been using her inhalers more? is she feverish? unwell with an infection? you mention her not eating: do you have any other concerns about her health eg eating/diet/anorexia as this can lead to electrolyte disturbance

She may just have looked up symptoms on the internet and be panicking or catastrophizing, she may just have noticed her heart hammering after exercise or salbutamol and been worried, but if she's mentioned it a few times its probably worth going to the GP and getting it checked out; and if it turns out to be nothing after some investigation, the reassurance of that may help her learn how to manage when it occurs rather than worrying. Its probably also better to be less dismissive than your OH has been: its good she feels confident enough to come to you with an issue.

I don't think you are in any way panicking to speak to her other parent when something like this comes up

nichito · 14/12/2016 01:14

BlueFolly

I've heard it all now. We were told how to take pulses at school when I was about 8. What kind of thicko doesn't know how to take a pulse?! Moreover, the OP is a healthcare professional so an inability to take a pulse - an action familiar to most children before they even reach secondary school - would be rather worrying.

garlicandsapphire · 14/12/2016 01:42

I wasn't there so I don't know. Maybe. I think you know your kid and when something is out of the ordinary. Its fine to ask the father his opinion surely.

I rang my ex when my DS came home crying in agony having landed on his arm on a friends trampoline because I was worried he'd broken it. My XH said no he wont have, kids have soft bones. Needless to say, I took him to A & E in the morning and he had broken it. They were wanting to know why I hadnt brought DS in the night before (10.30pm Saturday night with no one to mind my other child) but visibly relaxed when I told them his Dad was confident it wasn't broken. They laughed, 'Dad's always say that'. So probably it was just your XH being your XH - he would say that wouldn't he?

Baylisiana · 14/12/2016 02:14

When you're a parent you get disturbed at all hours with all issues, both the ones that turn out to be something and the ones that don't. He is a parent, whether he is there in person or not. He should also be there at all hours if you feel the need for practical back up or a second opinion. Even if he doesn't think it is serious or it turns out to be nothing, he shouldn't call you dramatic, he should say 'great, all is ok, but never hesitate to call as you never know'. This is assuming of course that you are not calling every two seconds about nothing, which you are not. You are calling very occasionally about potentially worrying things. YANBU.

I would get your daughter checked out, I hope all is well but worth getting checked.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 14/12/2016 03:22

Well basically you're treating her like she's having a heart attack when it was just a bit of anxiety.

OP didn't know at the time that it was due to anxiety. In fact, she still doesn't know, that's why she is taking her to the GP tomorrow.

Your ex couldnt have known if she was ill so phoning his just seems to be wanting to spread the drama

That's why OP called her ex, to let him know their child was ill. It's not spreading drama to let her child's father know and to expect some help/advice. It doesn't sound like OP drives so probably added to her worry.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/12/2016 04:29

First of all, I hope your dd is ok op

Secondly I know exactly what you mean about wanting to talk to another adult about these things. If that had been me I might've phoned my mom or sister or the DCs' dad. He would not have made a row of it or thought I was being over dramatic because he knows I'm generally not a psnicker. He'd probably have come over.

Mondrian · 14/12/2016 04:36

Not a doctor but symptoms do sound like MVP as Mrs has it which apparently is common amongst women as it affects 20% When she was younger (pre-diagnosis) not knowing what was happening to her brought on anxiety attack afterwards which was scary when full on. However after correct diagnosis anxiety attacks stopped as she knew what was happening.

Make sure you mention MVP to GP as it took a heart specialist to make correct diagnosis.

LifeBeginsNow · 14/12/2016 04:45

To the PP downplaying the anxiety - it is a medical condition in itself. The DD's problem hasn't magically disappeared just because it might be anxiety. My anxiety causes physical symptoms that are pretty hard to ignore.

I think the OP was right to check in with the dad and I'm saddened by his reaction. It sounds as if the DD was in a state of panic and it's difficult to snap out of that. In fact without someone calmly talking to me, mine gets a lot worse.

The doctors should be able to check for anything underlying and may be able to coax her to speak about what's making her so anxious. I find watching vids on YouTube without the sound on relaxing. Hope she feels better soon and you both get some rest.

Original poster

GreatFuckability · 14/12/2016 05:10

Thank you for all your posts and suggestions. She is very shy and very much a 'people pleaser' who wants to do the right thing, so puts a lot of pressure on herself in terms of school work, which definitely adds to her anxiety. It is something we are aware of and are working on with her school. Her asthma is always worse in winter and she does have a cold at the moment, but no fever. The food issue is that she does gymnastics at lunch so will sometimes chose to skip eating in favour of gym, which obviously isn't a good idea, that wasn't the case yesterday, but I will bring it up with the doctor. She does have moderate hypermobility if that means anything.
I do drive, but typically I have no car at the moment, its in for repairs.
She has been fine over night so I will see how things go with the GP.
Thanks again

OP posts:

BlueFolly · 14/12/2016 11:31

nichito Wow, you are so rude!!!

HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 11:36

YANBU. It probably was an anxiety attack but I don't see why you can't just call her other parent just in case. It's not like you called out the air ambulance.

Neefs · 14/12/2016 16:01

YANBU. I would be very unhappy if my DP (if we were separated) didn't let me know our DC was/might be ill. I would also understand their desire to talk it over with me, even if I ultimately thought there may not be a problem.

OP still doesn't know what it is, and like a PP said if it does transpire to be anxiety related, the symptoms are still physical and her ex would need to know how to deal with those symptoms and the anxiety itself if it happens when DD is in his care.

Original poster

GreatFuckability · 14/12/2016 16:52

She's seen the doctor. We need to get an EEG and bloods done tomorrow in the paediatric ward. Doc wasn't convinced it was anxiety based on her description. So we have an appointment tomorrow

OP posts:

abbsisspartacus · 14/12/2016 16:57

Has she overused her reliever?

Original poster

GreatFuckability · 14/12/2016 17:12

I don't think so abbs getting her to use it when she needs too is hard enough work to be honest.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 14/12/2016 17:21

Sounds worrying op I hope she is ok. btw you were not being dramatic to phone her dad his child wasnt feeling well and you were worried.

QuestionableMouse · 14/12/2016 17:31

I ended up in A&E earlier in the year with symptoms like this. Docs were a bit worried to start but everything came back normal. The doc I saw said it was caused by a combination of stomach pain from the iron tablets I was taking and the anemia I had at the time.

alltouchedout · 14/12/2016 17:41

Well basically you're treating her like she's having a heart attack when it was just a bit of anxiety

Honestly, if you think taking someone's pulse, getting them to do some deep breathing and calling someone else to get their take on the situation is how you treat someone having a heart attack, I hope to god no one ever has a heart attack and relies on you for help.

Psychomumsucks · 19/12/2016 13:54

Well, how did it all turn out?

DailyFail1 · 19/12/2016 14:05

Are you sure they're anxiety attacks and not atypical asthma attacks? My friend used to get a sucession of attacks like these before huge asthma attacks. Next time this happens get her to A&E & yes you should def take her to the GP

Isadora2007 · 19/12/2016 14:11

Yanbu at all and there's nothing wrong with wanting someone else to be an adult and a parent alongside you. It's one thing that many people who have never been single parents cannot and do not appreciate or understand. It's bloody lonely being the one parent and it all hangs on you.
I'm glad you got advice and I hope all her health checks are clear.

TheCatsMother99 · 19/12/2016 14:17

You're both her parents, you were concerned, I don't blame you for calling him.

I can just imagine what it might have been like if it had turned out to be something serious and needing immediate attention if you hadn't called him. Miserable sod.

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