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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nativity. AIBU?

24 replies

wheresmyfairygodmother · 13/12/2016 21:14

Bit of background first...
There was a 'theft', by a biologically-close relative, of family photos which originally belonged to an equally close (to us both) relative. When the latter relative died, said photos were left between us. The photos have great emotional meaning to us both. Other living relative had them for a few yrs before I asked for them. They refused and I have given up for now trying to get hold of originals, and pursuing a copy instead. 1.5 years on, my sh*t selfish relative who stole the originals still hasn't given me a proper copy.
Throughout the whole upsetting & shocking saga, the rest of my family disowned the situation. Some of these ppl are very connected to it, but condoned the theft. I quote 'it's not my problem, nothing to do with me'. This situation has damaged my relationships with virtually all members of my family (we are a small family & not referring to my own household who feel as upset & let down as me).
My AIBU is this. My child's nativity tm. My gut is I don't want grandparents taking pics & possibly video of my child when they have not supported me & their grandchildren over the theft of these important photos. I feel they are morally corrupt to have condoned this behaviour. I don't trust their judgement & I dont want the photo thief getting copies or being shown photos of my children after what they've done to my family & the lies they said about me to justify what they did. I'm deeply upset about never being able to hold my dead relatives albums as it documents my childhood with them & is one of the only things I was (jointly) left.
AIBU to say grandparents can come to the nativity but no photos or film? Tbh I'd rather they didn't come at all. I have no faith in any of my family to consider my feelings or respect my wishes following what's gone before & it feels wrong to allow them to freely have images of my family, when they have condoned someone else stopping me & my children having images of ours.
I was looking forward to this nativity but now, I'm totally dreading it & stressed. To add, my children have some idea about whats gone on & aren't bothered about seeing any of them now.

OP posts:
Fiddlefaddle2303 · 13/12/2016 21:17

If it's any help For the past few years we have not been allowed to take photos at nativity because of safe guarding! So you may not have an issue!

Looneytune253 · 13/12/2016 21:19

Tbh it seems a bit harsh to stop them. It wasn't them that committed 'the crime' so would let up a bit tbh. It sounds like they decided it just wasn't worth the fight.

BackforGood · 13/12/2016 21:20

You sound a bit unhinged to me.
'Photo theft'.... 'damaged relationships with virtually all members of family'

Hmm

People sometimes act a bit strangely when bereaved.
You need to let it go - move on.

This whole scenario about "letting" grandparents do this but not that is ridiculous. apart from anything else, school might well say no photos anyway.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/12/2016 21:21

I'd remove the info if the children aren't bothered by seeing them.

Allthebestnamesareused · 13/12/2016 21:26

Unlikely you'd be able to take videos or pics at a nativity anyway. But if you feel that strongly about their treatment of your family why have you invited them anyway?

I assume its a sibling who has the albums. Couldn't you have asked to take them to a photographer for copies to be made as is usual in these cases; or if they thought you'd not return them ask them to get copies and you psy.

Original poster
wheresmyfairygodmother · 13/12/2016 21:28

School allows pics.
Not unhinged thanks. There is more to the theft than I have detailed here obviously. It was an utter betrayal of trust by someone I trusted supported by other people I trusted and yes I will be grieving til I die over the relative who passed away.
Sheeesh I guess you're lucky enough to have family who don't stand by while you're stabbed in the back. Then go partying with the stabber!

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/12/2016 21:30

I think you either invite them fully or not at all....

Original poster
wheresmyfairygodmother · 13/12/2016 21:31

I didn't invite. They pressured me into allowing them to go. I have been asking for copies for a yr. Apparently my relative has been 'too busy' to do it yet. In a year FFS.

OP posts:
SnowyWhiteChristmas · 13/12/2016 21:31

To add, my children have some idea about whats gone on & aren't bothered about seeing any of them now.

If your children are nativity age then thy should have absolutely no idea about how you feel. Why on earth have you shared all this with your children?

Oddbins · 13/12/2016 21:32

YABU

so other don't want to be embroiled in a bitter dispute for the sake of the family and that makes them morally corrupt?

Are you trying to damage the relationship with all your family and that your children have too?

Let it go. They are photos. Your memories are still there but this will colour your entire future and that of your family if you let it.

It's not about who was right about the photos it's about making memories and photos for your children

ThoraGruntwhistle · 13/12/2016 21:32

Will they not let you borrow the photos to scan them if they're 'too busy' to do it themselves? Or would they assume you'd keep them? Re the nativity, I'd tell them they're not invited.

MistresssIggi · 13/12/2016 21:34

Good grief

Sybys · 13/12/2016 21:36

Having them attend but asking them not take photos seems really bizarre to me. Either invite them without weird conditions or just don't have them there.

Original poster
wheresmyfairygodmother · 13/12/2016 21:37

The children know as they wanted to see the photos. I said yes of course let's get them off relative X who has them at the moment. What was I supposed to say when they didn't appear? Relative X has lost them? Lie?? I'm not comfortable with lying to my children.

OP posts:
WatchfulOwl · 13/12/2016 21:40

It's just a sing song at your child's school.
No need for all this drama Confused

corythatwas · 13/12/2016 21:44

So because you have been deprived of some photographs, you are depriving your children of their grandparents. And making them share the details of a family dispute that sounds totally unsuitable for their ages.

If you are this bitter with your parents, how do you think your children will feel about you when they are old enough to understand the inappropriateness of this. This is part of their childhood that you are spoiling for them.

You could perfectly well have explained you didn't have the pictures without making their children feel they didn't want to see their relatives again. You chose not to.

IJustWantABrew · 13/12/2016 21:51

Seems extreme over photos.
If you invite your parents there is nothing to stop them from telling this relative what your kids look like or what they are doing. Whilst it may be difficult, it seems a very trivial thing to prevent grandparents from having a proper relationship with their grandkids over some photos. Memories are much more special imo. If the kids are nativity age they seem way to young to understand this sort of family argument. All you would need to say is oh relative is going to make some copies when they can and leave it at that.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 21:55

Have you asked your cowbag relative if you can have the photos to get copies? May be worth a try.

thatdearoctopus · 13/12/2016 21:58

This all seems very dramatic.

No one's asking you to lie to your children. That's also an over-dramatic reaction to a reasonable point.

KERALA1 · 13/12/2016 22:01

YABU. What cory said.

Original poster
wheresmyfairygodmother · 13/12/2016 22:07

If I'd wanted to debate the ins & outs of the theft I'd have posted about that. It was background & there's much more to it than I'd put on here.
The point was I felt the grandparents are hypocrites & had concerns over my childs image being shared with someone I didn't want. I wish they weren't coming. I agreed under duress thinking it best for my child but turns out they aren't bothered & not because of this as such, just because generally they are rubbish grandparents who never make any effort unless it suits them. Which is literally a few times a yr & even then it's to do something they want rather than the kids (usually eating or sitting in watching TV Hmm). I spent years trying to encourage & organise activities, it was exhausting. Eventually I gave up.
Oh and I think our school does nativity longer than some (upto yr 6).

OP posts:
Izzabellasasperella · 13/12/2016 22:08

corythatwas has it.
They are just photo's, you have your memories. I'm guessing your relatives are trying to keep the peace between you and the family member.

Lalunya85 · 13/12/2016 22:10

If you feel so strongly about how you have been treated by your family (and it feels to me like we're missing some crucial detail here which might justify your anger towards your parents), then you need to go NC for a while.

If it's not that extreme for you, then you really need to start differentiating between your issues with your family, and your kids' relationship with them. You can't expect a normal grandparent - grandchild relationship to develop if you won't let them take pictures of their grandkids! That's very unreasonable and really unfair towards your kids.

How old are the kids?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 13/12/2016 22:12

Morally bankrupt? Christ. If we haven't had much of the story, I dread to think what drama the full backstory is.

OP, don't stay your children down with this. Let them live their family if they want to. And think about how to make this situation less drama-llamaesque.

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