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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP to be sober

39 replies

anyname123 · 13/12/2016 18:01

DP and I are friends with a couple, last night the wife and I went out for a few hours (to bingo, nothing wild), after being encouraged by both men. DP and the other husband looked after our 2 month old, great. Come home at 9ish to find both men drunk, not fall down drunk, but certainly glazed eyed, bit wobbly drunk.
Just for context we see this couple a lot, are going out for dinner with them Saturday , baby free, so can have a drink etc.
Am I being completely unreasonable to expect DP not to get pissed whilst looking after 2m/o? It was a Monday, absolutely no ocassion to celebrate, just stay sober for one bloody night.
I messaged him this morning saying I wouldn't want anyone else looking after her drunk, and whilst he's her Dad and has equal parental choice / responsibility, I really don't want him looking after her drunk either. He's told me I'm being unreasonable and that he was fine.
Before he gets home and an argument ensues, who is BU, me or him?

OP posts:
bluebeck · 14/12/2016 19:34

YANBU. So sorry you are having to deal with this.Flowers

Beebeeeight · 14/12/2016 19:39

Better to get out now when the wee one is too small to notice.

AndShesGone · 14/12/2016 19:41

I think you'd do better as a couple if you could agree that one of you is always not drinking while the baby is so young. Not because you couldn't drive as there's always taxis and you might both not want to drink for the next 18 years !

But because of the risk to the baby when they're so young of being too drunk to feed it/wind it. There's been some horrible accidents of over tired and slightly drunk parents suffocating the baby on the couch when they do a middle of the night feed when they're not sober.

Maybe up to 18 months or so you could agree that only one of you can drink at any one time?

I realise that emotions are very high with this at the moment because you're about to rip him a new one but it's not immediately obvious that one parent should be always be sober when they're so young.

I do think there's a way to sort this without rowing and leaving.

TiredMumToTwo · 14/12/2016 19:45

YANBU, I hate the fact that you feel trapped as I feel similar although in a different situation. If you are young, have one child and your Mum will take you - if I were you I'd run for the hills, not just on one night of stupidity but based on further posts on how you feel in general. Good luck

Thingywhatsit · 14/12/2016 19:45

It's tough - you feel like you can't do the right thing and you are stuck in a rut because of the housing issue. But you can leave - I did and I was in a very similar situation to you now. DD was 10 months when I left, stayed with my mother for a year whilst I waited to be housed. We now have a very nice house of our own. I had to quit work when I left, so been living off benefits, but over 18 months on, I am the happiest I have been in years. House is fully furnished within 6 months and we had nothing except a set of bunkbeds/tv/Hoover when I got the keys! Yes there are hard days, but I don't have to walk on eggshells in our home anymore, nor do I need to worry about dd when I was working on a late wondering how drunk he may be and that is worth its weight in gold! He is welcome in our house, and he will be spending Xmas eve here so he gets to see dd wake up on Xmas day, but whenever he is here and steps over the line/makes me feel uncomfortable/stepping on eggshells/is grumpy he is shown the door pretty rapidly. He is finally learning, so that doesn't happen a lot now....

So you can do it, if that is right for you, cos I did it and I am honestly not the strongest person in the world.... In fact I've surprised myself. Good luck to you xx

ragz134 · 14/12/2016 19:48

I have once got too drunk while in charge of my young baby. It was 9 years ago and I still feel bad about it! What if they got sick? What if there was an Emergency?
I get cross if DH drinks too much at home when I am out and kids are a lot older now. It's about being responsible. You can't be responsible if you're wasted...
I have friends who will both get pissed with little ones in the house. It winds me up and is one reason I don't visit them (he is an alcoholic and she seems to be trying to join him!)
YANBU

corythatwas · 15/12/2016 11:43

junebirth, why would the alternative to driving yourself be to call an ambulance? Surely unless the baby is very urgently ill, a taxi is what you'd call?

The problem arises when you are too drunk to escort the baby, because then you would also be too drunk to safely look after it in the home.

xStefx · 15/12/2016 11:48

To be honest its a bit irresponsible. Id say a 1 year old or 2 years old fine but not a 2 month old. He should have let you go out to let your hair down with you knowing that he is ok to look after the baby. Tell him youll worry now next time you go out and that's not fair.

Pickanameanyoldname · 15/12/2016 11:52

I remember one of your previous posts.

Pack up and go stay with your mum.

He can come and visits his DC there, under your/your mum's supervision.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 15/12/2016 11:59

YANBU.

A baby that young wakes too frequently needing feeds (bottle needs to be made and heated safely), nappy changes etc. Then there's the danger of falling asleep with them in a bad location (sofa) or deep sleep. You need to maintain yourself in a decent state of mind for decision making and action. (Aside from sleep deprivation!)

When a baby/ child can go to sleep with less chances of waking and needing intervention those boundaries can relax.

Good luck for the future OP

iamanintrovert · 15/12/2016 12:05

I'm often the only adult at home, and it's only now that my youngest is 3 years old that I'll allow myself to get a little bit tipsy when I am the only one in charge of the kids.

iamanintrovert · 15/12/2016 12:06

When they're in bed asleep of course, not during the day :)

Original poster
anyname123 · 15/12/2016 15:27

Thank you all so very much for your opinions and advice, I really appreciate your time.

We are having a crisis talk tomorrow, and if things don't drastically improve over the next 2 weeks then I'll be off, I'll have time to get settled and set up then before I have to go back to work in the summer.
I'll keep you informed Xmas Wink

OP posts:
LovingLola · 15/12/2016 15:36

My greater concern is that he may have had her in his arms (on bed or sofa) and fallen asleep and rolled on her. I know the chances of that were slim on this occasion (because of the friend who was in the house with him) but on his own it would be a risk. And not one I would be prepared to take.

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