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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying gifts for DH

21 replies

tigercub50 · 13/12/2016 00:11

Honestly I am fuming & my husband has totally overreacted imo. I was wrapping DDs birthday presents tonight & something was said about a Christmas toy I had bought her from Avon ages ago. DH went totally over the top, saying that I should have consulted him before I bought it & then the argument escalated ( usually these things aren't really about the thing that started it). In the end, I was almost crying with frustration because he was reacting as if I'd gone out & bought her a car or something ( the toy/ornament was about a fiver). The thing was, it was an impulse decision & I really didn't think I needed to run it past him - I told him about it soon after anyway. The row went on far too long & I know I shouldn't have tried to justify myself because it was ridiculous but I was trying to make him see how crazy it sounded. Wish I could have recorded it all. AIBU or is it perfectly normal to buy the odd pressie without it being a team effort??

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/12/2016 00:13

As nothing I can think of in the Avon book is over about ten YANBU. Sounds like he was itching for a row, and picked on this...?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/12/2016 00:14

Ah right. A fiver. Sounds like something else is going on here. It's not about the present.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 13/12/2016 00:15

He did say it wasn't about the money

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mynachos · 13/12/2016 00:17

is he always so tightfisted and controlling?

Izzy82 · 13/12/2016 00:27

A very bizarre reaction. My husband doesn't have a clue what I've bought the kids. He's just happy he didn't get dragged around the shops. It will be a surprise for him and the kids on Christmas morning!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/12/2016 00:32

Is a a controlling, abusive arsehole? Because without any other information, that's what he sounds like.

ChocoChou · 13/12/2016 00:38

What was the gift? Did he think it wasn't appropriate for her age?
I'm struggling to find a reason he would go crazy at you buying a bloody gift! My DH has nooooo idea what's all wrapped up for the DC !

Original poster
tigercub50 · 13/12/2016 09:11

Still trying to make him see how he's made me feel but he just keeps saying we're supposed to be a team & I wasn't behaving as if we were. Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Always when I try to tell him how I feel, he just thinks I am trying to get him to back down & say it's all his fault, which I'm not.

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Mulberry72 · 13/12/2016 09:15

He is definitely BU! As PP have said there's more to this than the gift! He's being an arse.

Stripeyblanket · 13/12/2016 09:17

Go the opposite way and ask him if you can do everything... he'all soon get fed up of you asking if you can go for a wee, have a drink, go to bed...

On a more serious note, does he have form for doing this? If so it is very controlling behaviour. Is it the first Christmas or something?
If my DH did this we talk about it to try and get to the root cause.

My DH doesn't know what we've got our LB. He is of the opinion that it will be lovely and whatever it is will be needed and appropriate. He hates shopping.

HaveNoSocks · 13/12/2016 09:17

Either he's very very stressed about something and not telling you or he's a controlling dickhead. I'm assuming that the £5 isn't going to stop you paying bills etc. so it's pretty outrageous of him to expect you to run it past him. Does he expect you to ring him up and ask him which loaf of bread to buy in the supermarket?

Original poster
tigercub50 · 13/12/2016 10:05

We do have money worries so I could understand if I'd spent a lot but I just don't get why he's so upset. It isn't like he doesn't buy things for DD when they are out & I'm at home.

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Original poster
tigercub50 · 13/12/2016 10:17

Another thing is that he will apologise but quite often it's said in such a way that he doesn't sound sorry but is just wanting a quiet life

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HaveNoSocks · 13/12/2016 10:26

Is he secretly really stressed about money and it's leaking out into this issue? If so surely you could agree a monthly budget each for random stuff (a coffee when out, little gift for DC etc) and as long as you stick to that no questions asked what you spend it on.

Sounds a bit like he always picks fights then does a fake "oh I can't be bothered with this I guess I'll just say sorry" apology which leaves tension in the air. That would bother me and I'd want to sort it out TBH.

Petalbird · 13/12/2016 10:26

Hmm depends how often you impulse buy things. I do get rather annoyed at my DP for doing so as he could have gotten the thing cheaper/ wasn't need. We now both look at everything before we buy even cheap things though I do buy his kids clothes without his approval as he's terrible with clothes

Snowflakes1122 · 13/12/2016 10:55

Sounds like he is obviously stressed about the money. Do you think he's annoyed thinking you aren't taking the money issues you say you have seriously?

He should have communicated the issue in a nicer more constructive way though.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 13/12/2016 11:06

Latest is he says not to buy him anything for Christmas but I have some money in my account that he gave me - think this is still coming from the upset. DH often says stuff he doesn't mean. It didn't help that because I was still smarting, I made a remark as I was leaving for town that I had to go & get my own pressie from him & that I had had to get my own Birthday pressie. Bad as each other in some ways

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pklme · 13/12/2016 11:21

Just to suggest a different POV.

My DH keeps buying extra crappy bits for our kids, which they don't particularly want. Or he goes and buys the Christmas presents without talking to me at all. We start the conversation about what we will get them with 'well, I've already got X,y and z'.

He bought a huge duplo train set when DS1 was two (I would have got brio had I been consulted).

There is a different mentality about it. He wants to just get it done, and buys indiscriminately especially if he sees a bargain. The amount of small crappy gifts they get means that they don't really appreciate the presents extended family members buy.

I want to get them one or two things they really want, and a stocking, knowing that they will get more smaller presents off relatives.

I'm sick and tired of it and just let it all wash over me now.

HaveNoSocks · 13/12/2016 11:54

I would let it settle for a while. Once you're no longer angry maybe you could offer the olive branch, apologise for any snappy comment you've made and say he's been seeming quite stressed lately is there anything you can do to help? Hopefully it's just a case of him having pent up stress about money and you can reopen the channels of communication.

Bluebolt · 13/12/2016 12:07

It does depend, I am not keen on the presents for the sake of the pile, a close friend spends more on the "just a fiver" gifts than the main presents. Many have not been found from under the sofa till February. It would not be a problem but these fivers are credit card fivers that will be still there long after the items have been binned.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 13/12/2016 12:17

Trying not to think about the " I don't want anything from you" comment (as in anything for Christmas). I don't know if it's particularly a man thing but DH can be so hurtful when we argue. Pretty sure he didn't really mean it

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