To feel hurt?

[winkywinkola]

So my mum is 83.

She lives two hours away.

She's had a health scare that she played down but that worries me enormously.

I offered to come and be with her for scans and scan results etc. She declined.

I had offered to come up and take her out for Christmas Day lunch. And OR manage Christmas Eve at hers with my h and four dcs. I would do all the work.

She said that I was not to bother, to leave her out of any plans, to forget it etc. That was in a text. She said she wanted to get past her diagnosis before committing to anything.

Fair enough.

Her ailment turns out to be minor. Thank god. I had a little cry of relief when she told me.

So I ask her again about Christmas. She says she can't face anything. Can't sit down for long. Doesn't want the fuss. Just to leave her to it.

Tonight I find out from my dad (they are divorced) she is going to my brother's for Christmas. He lives 30 mins away. No more of a journey than I would have asked her to take when taking her out for lunch. He has two dcs and a dw.

So I shouldn't take this personally right? But I have. It's clear that she doesn't mind the Christmas thing going on after all. She would just rather be with my brother.

She can of course choose where she wants to spend Christmas. I just feel very rejected.

Aibu?

Maybe your brother doesn't take no for an answer? My mum's a bit like yours but much younger and always refuses to go to my sister's house, but will travel an hour each way to come to mine because I don't give her a choice basically and will bundle her in the car. My brother does the same as me.

YANBU to feel hurt, and I'm guessing it's the lying that's hurtful rather than the fact you won't see her at Christmas. There's no need for deception on her part, silly woman (her, not you).

If I were you I'd check with your brother that she is actually going to his. I have a family member who would decline invitations from both children so that she could tell her neighbours and friends that she spent Christmas on her own and elicit their pity! Either way, let her know that you know the truth of the matter and move on from there. Absolutely no point in dwelling on it; at 83 she's unlikely to change her ways but might think twice before lying to you in future.

No. She's definitely going to his.

Perhaps with fewer children it's less hectic.

And perhaps I should just stop trying so hard. And leave her to it.

She not the martyr type. Far from it. She is frank and to the point.

I see, she is going to your brother's. I wouldn't call her dissembling "frank" though!!

It might have been arranged since we last spoke to give her the benefit of the doubt.

If she's frank and to the point op why not chat to her if you feel you can, to find out her thinking on this?

Maybe he asked first and she accepted and she was frightened to tell you the truth because she knew you'd be upset.

Or she is aware that your entire family spending Christmas in her house would be a big upheaval for you all so is trying not to be a burden/nuisance.

Or she can't cope with the noise etc of a family Christmas for more than a day, so being half an hour away from home means she can escape when it gets too much for her.

Try not to make this about you. Negotiating family Christmases can be a diplomatic minefield. She's an old lady. You need to put your own feelings aside and think what's easiest for her.

My Mum generally prefers going to my sister's for Christmas. It DID hurt for a while but I just accept it now. I don't know why she prefers it....but that's life I suppose.

If your brother lives so much closer is it possible that she is more used to going there and will therefore feel it is less of an upheaval to be somewhere familiar? I agree that is a bit hurtful, maybe she lied hoping to spare your feelings

Well that's the thing. He lives much nearer but rarely actually bothers to visit her.

Yep. I shouldn't make this about me. You're right.

She didn't lie. I think it was arranged after she said no thanks to me for the second time.

Actually, I think I'm just going to stop bothering.

We've taken her on holiday with us a few times. All paid for.

I have asked several times if we could visit her and take her out for lunch or dinner.

And invited her down here - I would drive to get her and being her back. Would give her my bed or pay for a local hotel like we have in the past.

I think she just doesn't really want to see us for whatever reason, however easy I try to make it.

She clearly isn't interested and sighs big sighs whenever I bring up the prospect of actually meeting. She never calls me or texts me. It's always me calling her. Always has been. It's like she can't really be bothered.

So I think I will just leave it.

Some people (me included) just don't feel the need for a lot of social contact - maybe that's how she is? It would explain the lack of phone calls etc. And why she'd go to your brother's (can go, spend a bit of time and then get back home alone to her piece and quiet). Or maybe your kids are noisier?
My mum is the type who would wonder (and panic) if I didn't ring yet doesn't seem remotely interested in what I say. They're all weird in their own "special" ways!

My mum has such low expectations of my brother because he's so crap with her that when he does take her somewhere once in a blue moon or gets her something (cake etc), she thinks it's amazing. Meanwhile her daughters do all the running around after her and while we are much loved, we do not get the same kind of appreciation that my brother gets. It's expected from us, IYSWIM. But she is also not blind to his faults.

If she is generally lovely and a good mum then I would let it be. Does she generally treat you and your DC the same as DB and his DC?

Missed your last post, sorry. Do you know if she spends time with your DB?

With her age the thought of travelling for two hours and the faff of sorting somewhere to stay could be why she often refuses to visit, even if you drive it still faff for her!

If she doesn't see your brother much, he's closer AND she been invited there for the day, rather than being offered out for a meal somewhere or her house being descended on on Christmas ever, then maybe, just maybe, the poor woman would actually like that time at your brothers being part of a normal Christmas instead of a pile of faffing?

I understand you being upset but you should be thinking of her needs and desires. You may offer things but that doesn't mean they're good or suitable for her

I would totally feel the same way you do up however in your situation I wouldn't necessarily stop bothering but I wouldn't ever expect her to meet up. What I mean is still invite her to do things but more so you're inviting her so she can never turn around and say you don't bother with her. But obviously invite her with the thought in your head that she's going to say no! That's personally what I would do

Maybe the 30 minute trip is all she feels up to.

There is a difference between a 30 minute trip to eat out where she may not feel comfortable to a 30 minute trip to a family members house where she can relax on a sofa, watch a bit of Tv etc.

You say to do the trip to yours is too far for her.

Maybe she doesn't want people at her house even if they are doing all the work and 4 kids does sound tiring especially if she has been ill. Maybe she wouldn't feel relaxed doing that. It would stress me out to have someone else using my kitchen etc

I am sure it is nothing personal about you but is personal choice for her to go somewhere where she will be able to relax and be looked after.