need to talk to someone!!! sorry

[miku]

Hi. I feeling very depressed. I have big bouts of this- I don't know if I have some sort of autism, because I feel I have never managed to do anything really. I look at people with careers and wonder how they got there. I have worked at a lot of different things. I am arty, and now work on 0 hrs for gardening charity.I have offered my self to do a free woodland management plan, and am now panicking about it. I have no work really at the moment-, but still have to be up for engaging with managers, and actually feel a little used n abused. Its so stressful. On top of this, Ive been put forward to do something that Im not sure I want to do- training guys , meaning I leave at 6 in the morning and get home 6 p.m. I feel so awful about saying no to this, as I need work BUT I am a single parent, and although my DD is 12, I still feel that it would tire me out so much, that I just wouldn't see her- and wont be here for her in morning. Feel like Im ranting too- but feel so crap- full of guilt , feeling like Im lazy blah blah blah. Im also feeling old and lonely (Im 53) my fam all live at least 5 hours drive away.

From everything you're saying it doesn't feel like this job is the right fit for you - and that's absolutely fine! Don't feel guilty, it's a job and it's not worth getting this stressed and upset over.
If you're certain you don't want to do the training - which it sounds like you are - I would honestly bite the bullet and tell them straight up "thank you for the opportunity but on reflection this won't fit in well with DD at the moment, I wanted to tell you now so that you can find someone else". If you find it easier put it in writing as an email.
I think you'll feel a lot better when you get that off your chest - and if you want to find a new job after that then go for it.
You don't sound lazy to me - just sounds like you haven't found the right job yet, so don't worry about that x

I agree with Bird Brain and then I think you should go to your GP and discuss your depression and explain why you feel you may have autism. It's a big effort I know, especially when you're feeling depressed but once you have released yourself from this job that you don't really feel is suitable and had a chat with GP, i'm sure you'll feel a bit better. Also, a lot of people feel down and lonely around this time of year. Are you able to visit your family over xmas with your daughter? Good luck, hope you come back to let us know how you're getting on.

Thank-you! I have just written and said no- feels better. They are so kind, and wanted to help ME out with some regular work....but as he said, it has to be right for everyone involved. Will go and see GP, as its a bit rubbish to be 53 and still working part-time (well, 0 hours....Id work more if it was given!) it is a choice I know, to do that to bring up my girl, but would really want a full time- its such a battle these days, and that's part of my feeling down, I think. Im exhausted!

Go easy on yourself op. You cant do everything. Totally understand the career thing, i have lots of successful friends and think "how did you DO that!" but we weren't all made to be drs and lawyers. As you said you have creative talents. Why not try getting a job that's boring but stress free (for the money) and then use your energy for your hobbies and your family life. And you're not old. :-) Think of some things you and your dd could do together to enjoy the holidays and feel happier. -Favourite film, christmas crafts, winter walk, visit to Costa for hot chocolate? x

Do you like gardening? My gardener just works for a few people (we are pleasant, flexible and understanding) with hours that suit him. He has teenage children. Yes, they are technically 0 hours contracts, but it gives him flexibility to be with his family when he needs to be. Christmas is time off but he does work over the summer and at Easter, but we are all flexible about that too! Perhaps you could advertise and see what comes up. He gets huge satisfaction out of it and it is significantly less stressful than his previous job. As you have one DD, try and talk to her about your need to work and see what hours you can do that fit around her needs. She is old enough to understand what your needs are as a family and you could investigate what she could do in the holidays to fit around your work.

Hi Bojorojo, yes I DO do gardening- I am busy all year except for Nov/Dec/Jan! I used to work privately, but work got busier for my job, with prep etc. This last year has been great- 4 projects going weekly.
No, the job Ive just turned down was just a bit crazy hours- leave house at 5.45 every day, back home at 6 p.m- she has no probs with me working crazy hours (sometimes home 3pm, sometimes 9p.m-out at 7 am etc.) Its not just work- its the fact I live miles away from fam, cant afford to move, don't get interviews for jobs nearer fam, blahblah blah. All the money I earn will now go on rent for the next 4 months. So its food/rent and nothing else. Which would be fine if I lived somewhere nice, with friends and family! Started applying for jobs in Sept- where I live these jobs are gone as soon as they are advertised.
I don't want to moan anymore, thanks for practical advise, will just keeeeeeep going. xx